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How can l stop feeling sorry for my 21 year old??
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 764855" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Acceptance. A buzzword in the recovery industry. It is a hard thing to practice. Some of the terms used have been triggers for me. I felt really angry when the first therapist I went to called me an “enabler”. It seemed harsh, a label, my mind went to defense mode. “She doesn’t understand, she doesn’t know how it feels to watch helplessly as your child plummets into darkness and drags your grandchildren with her.”</p><p>I was deep into trying with all my might to stop the train wreck. I couldn’t see what was happening to me, my younger children, my household. </p><p>I was in fact, an enabler. </p><p>Looking back, I can see it, and say it. </p><p>Acceptance is another hard one for me. Accepting that this is the choice my two daughters make, to keep using meth, to abandon themselves and family for the street life. </p><p>Accepting that there is nothing I can do or say that will stop them.</p><p></p><p>Thank you Copa for this stark reminder. This is acceptance. It’s not that we are comfortable with their choices. I don’t use the word hate much, but I hate how my two are living. It is what it is. </p><p></p><p>Truth. </p><p></p><p>It’s hard to look at. But this is true for my two as well. I don’t think they bat an eye over the emotional damage the family has suffered. </p><p></p><p>Amen. Looking back and taking honest inventory of all of the time, money, emotional heartache and energy put into trying to fix my two, did not change the trajectory they chose. </p><p>It is a constant learning process for those of us who love and live with the reality of wayward adult children. Learning to focus on what we can change, our response, what we do with the precious time we have on this earth, that is a challenge. I cannot ignore my initial reaction, my feelings, but with prayer and Gods grace, I can overcome, rebuild and redirect my focus. </p><p>Gafese, you can too. It takes a lot of work, but you are worth the effort. </p><p>I hope each day brings you strength. It is not an easy journey to take an honest inventory of misteps along the way, and do the necessary work to blaze the trail for a new path. At first, it feels like giving up. It is not. We begin by understanding the reality that our adult kids will choose as they do, no matter how it affects us. While we intensely focus on them, we are not even a blip on their radar. With the exception on what they can get out of us. I had to realize years ago that when my two are actively using drugs, I became an “opportunity” for them. They were using me and my love for them. Allowing them to cross boundaries and continue as is was a cruel game that hurt us all. </p><p>A large part of switching focus is knowing the truth of what Copa so eloquently points out in her response. “Loving our adult children is to allow them to live their lives as they are able, and to learn.”</p><p>May we all find peace.</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 764855, member: 19522"] Acceptance. A buzzword in the recovery industry. It is a hard thing to practice. Some of the terms used have been triggers for me. I felt really angry when the first therapist I went to called me an “enabler”. It seemed harsh, a label, my mind went to defense mode. “She doesn’t understand, she doesn’t know how it feels to watch helplessly as your child plummets into darkness and drags your grandchildren with her.” I was deep into trying with all my might to stop the train wreck. I couldn’t see what was happening to me, my younger children, my household. I was in fact, an enabler. Looking back, I can see it, and say it. Acceptance is another hard one for me. Accepting that this is the choice my two daughters make, to keep using meth, to abandon themselves and family for the street life. Accepting that there is nothing I can do or say that will stop them. Thank you Copa for this stark reminder. This is acceptance. It’s not that we are comfortable with their choices. I don’t use the word hate much, but I hate how my two are living. It is what it is. Truth. It’s hard to look at. But this is true for my two as well. I don’t think they bat an eye over the emotional damage the family has suffered. Amen. Looking back and taking honest inventory of all of the time, money, emotional heartache and energy put into trying to fix my two, did not change the trajectory they chose. It is a constant learning process for those of us who love and live with the reality of wayward adult children. Learning to focus on what we can change, our response, what we do with the precious time we have on this earth, that is a challenge. I cannot ignore my initial reaction, my feelings, but with prayer and Gods grace, I can overcome, rebuild and redirect my focus. Gafese, you can too. It takes a lot of work, but you are worth the effort. I hope each day brings you strength. It is not an easy journey to take an honest inventory of misteps along the way, and do the necessary work to blaze the trail for a new path. At first, it feels like giving up. It is not. We begin by understanding the reality that our adult kids will choose as they do, no matter how it affects us. While we intensely focus on them, we are not even a blip on their radar. With the exception on what they can get out of us. I had to realize years ago that when my two are actively using drugs, I became an “opportunity” for them. They were using me and my love for them. Allowing them to cross boundaries and continue as is was a cruel game that hurt us all. A large part of switching focus is knowing the truth of what Copa so eloquently points out in her response. “Loving our adult children is to allow them to live their lives as they are able, and to learn.” May we all find peace. New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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How can l stop feeling sorry for my 21 year old??
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