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How do I go about getting my son to move out
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 466145" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>He is now an adult. He s not working, he is not in school, he is not paying rent and he is not respectful. He does NOT belong in your home. AT. ALL. Esp not if he is using drugs. Most of the time if a person admits to pot they are doing a LOT more. There are a few who don't, but that is a pretty general rule.</p><p></p><p>Why do you feel you must let him stay to the end of the year? It will be very cold then, and he will use that to play on your guilt. in my opinion tell him that at the end of the week he has to go, or the end of the month, and that if he damages ANYTHING, or threatens you or hurts you in ANY way, then you will call the police and press charges. AND DO IT. Get a list of local shelters and give it to him. </p><p></p><p>If he stays in your home, everything paid for, not having to do anything like hold a job or go to school or be useful in any way, why would he grow up and be a man? Seriously, if someone paid for you to do nothing, what would motivate you to go and work hard? THAT is what he is experiencing. He bullies you into letting him live there, either with guilt or whatever, and then he doesn't have to do much of anything.</p><p></p><p>in my opinion drugs mean an adult kid is out of my house NOW. Go sleep on the street. WHY? Because until their life is so awful, so horrible that they cannot stand it, they won't get clean and they won't grow up.I can see how parents want to know their kids are okay. But honestly, if your kid is using drugs how can he be okay?</p><p></p><p>I am far harder on this than many because I grew up with a bro that was an alcoholic by age 12 and abused me in many ways before that, but it got a lot worse after the sub abuse started. My parents couldn't see it or cope with it. My kids started as toddlers learning how I felt about drugs/alcohol abuse - and that if they chose it, they wouldn't live with me. I won't go back.</p><p></p><p>But I CAN see how hard this is on your heart, and how your son has probably blamed YOU for everything. After hearing that said a few million times, it is a lot easier to believe it, or at least wonder if it is true than to put it back on him. That is what addicts and abusers do. </p><p></p><p>You may not be able to make him move out now. It is okay. You don't have to do it all at once. The first two things you do are find a therapist for YOU and start going at least once a week, and to find the local alanon or narcanon meetings and attend as many each week as you possibly can. You don't have to talk at meetings. EVER. You NEED to go to them though.</p><p></p><p>Addiction is a family disease. It isn't like cancer that only makes one person sick. Addiction makes the entire family sick. Those who aer not addicted learn to be codependent. Alanon and a good therapist will help you work through this and get to the point where you don't wrap yourself up in resentment and where you are ready to say "You gotta go. Now. Bye! I hope you do very well, and if/when you are ready to live a clean and sober life, I will help you as much as I can. But you have to do it, and you have to go. I love you very much, see you somewhere else."</p><p></p><p>It may sound cold, and it may take you a long time to be able to say that. I know people in their 70's who still haven't told their 50yr old kids that. I know those who have, and decades later their child is still not clean and sober. They love their kids, and are doing what they are ready to do. </p><p></p><p>I do know that if you continue to let your son live at home and you pya his bills, he has NO incentive to work. when you are crashing on couches, eating what you can find, NOT having the internet, etc.... and the games and toys you were used to at your parents, you then have some motivation to find work and to keep a job. Not everyone takes that road, some become homeless, but that is their CHOICE. You have to get to the point where you can let your son live with the natural and logical consequences of his choices. </p><p></p><p>YOU chose to get a job, work hard, build a life, have a home. You CHOSE to get all the help you could for your son, including giving him up to a group home for a period of time so that he could learn what he needed to learn to function in the world. Now is the time to CHOOSE to go to therapy, to CHOOSE to go to alanon, and to begin to make the choice to let him live with teh consequences of his slacker, drug use lifestyle. He may spend time in a shelter or even on the streets. WHen he is ready to do the work, and to find a way to get clean, then he will. Then you may be able to help him, but right now your help is helping him to choose a life that is not healthy or productive.</p><p></p><p>Do NOT NOT NOT beat yourself up over not tossing him out right away, or whatever you do. the goal is not perfection - it is progress. Progress usually comes in baby steps, like making that appointment with the therapist, or wth a second or third therapist if the first one isn't right for you (ANY therapist who says you need to keep difficult child in your home is NOT the right therapist, in my opinion. Esp if they use guilt to do it!). Looking up those alanon meetings is a step, going is another one.</p><p></p><p>Just coming here to read was a good step. Posting was another good step. So you are already on the path!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 466145, member: 1233"] He is now an adult. He s not working, he is not in school, he is not paying rent and he is not respectful. He does NOT belong in your home. AT. ALL. Esp not if he is using drugs. Most of the time if a person admits to pot they are doing a LOT more. There are a few who don't, but that is a pretty general rule. Why do you feel you must let him stay to the end of the year? It will be very cold then, and he will use that to play on your guilt. in my opinion tell him that at the end of the week he has to go, or the end of the month, and that if he damages ANYTHING, or threatens you or hurts you in ANY way, then you will call the police and press charges. AND DO IT. Get a list of local shelters and give it to him. If he stays in your home, everything paid for, not having to do anything like hold a job or go to school or be useful in any way, why would he grow up and be a man? Seriously, if someone paid for you to do nothing, what would motivate you to go and work hard? THAT is what he is experiencing. He bullies you into letting him live there, either with guilt or whatever, and then he doesn't have to do much of anything. in my opinion drugs mean an adult kid is out of my house NOW. Go sleep on the street. WHY? Because until their life is so awful, so horrible that they cannot stand it, they won't get clean and they won't grow up.I can see how parents want to know their kids are okay. But honestly, if your kid is using drugs how can he be okay? I am far harder on this than many because I grew up with a bro that was an alcoholic by age 12 and abused me in many ways before that, but it got a lot worse after the sub abuse started. My parents couldn't see it or cope with it. My kids started as toddlers learning how I felt about drugs/alcohol abuse - and that if they chose it, they wouldn't live with me. I won't go back. But I CAN see how hard this is on your heart, and how your son has probably blamed YOU for everything. After hearing that said a few million times, it is a lot easier to believe it, or at least wonder if it is true than to put it back on him. That is what addicts and abusers do. You may not be able to make him move out now. It is okay. You don't have to do it all at once. The first two things you do are find a therapist for YOU and start going at least once a week, and to find the local alanon or narcanon meetings and attend as many each week as you possibly can. You don't have to talk at meetings. EVER. You NEED to go to them though. Addiction is a family disease. It isn't like cancer that only makes one person sick. Addiction makes the entire family sick. Those who aer not addicted learn to be codependent. Alanon and a good therapist will help you work through this and get to the point where you don't wrap yourself up in resentment and where you are ready to say "You gotta go. Now. Bye! I hope you do very well, and if/when you are ready to live a clean and sober life, I will help you as much as I can. But you have to do it, and you have to go. I love you very much, see you somewhere else." It may sound cold, and it may take you a long time to be able to say that. I know people in their 70's who still haven't told their 50yr old kids that. I know those who have, and decades later their child is still not clean and sober. They love their kids, and are doing what they are ready to do. I do know that if you continue to let your son live at home and you pya his bills, he has NO incentive to work. when you are crashing on couches, eating what you can find, NOT having the internet, etc.... and the games and toys you were used to at your parents, you then have some motivation to find work and to keep a job. Not everyone takes that road, some become homeless, but that is their CHOICE. You have to get to the point where you can let your son live with the natural and logical consequences of his choices. YOU chose to get a job, work hard, build a life, have a home. You CHOSE to get all the help you could for your son, including giving him up to a group home for a period of time so that he could learn what he needed to learn to function in the world. Now is the time to CHOOSE to go to therapy, to CHOOSE to go to alanon, and to begin to make the choice to let him live with teh consequences of his slacker, drug use lifestyle. He may spend time in a shelter or even on the streets. WHen he is ready to do the work, and to find a way to get clean, then he will. Then you may be able to help him, but right now your help is helping him to choose a life that is not healthy or productive. Do NOT NOT NOT beat yourself up over not tossing him out right away, or whatever you do. the goal is not perfection - it is progress. Progress usually comes in baby steps, like making that appointment with the therapist, or wth a second or third therapist if the first one isn't right for you (ANY therapist who says you need to keep difficult child in your home is NOT the right therapist, in my opinion. Esp if they use guilt to do it!). Looking up those alanon meetings is a step, going is another one. Just coming here to read was a good step. Posting was another good step. So you are already on the path! [/QUOTE]
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