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How do I go about getting my son to move out
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 467716"><p>IT's a concern that you said he would be out by Oct. 1st and didn't stick to this, especially since it seems he is still doing things that are inappropriate. Is it your intention to have him move out now? Have you made up your mind?</p><p></p><p>You said that therapy helps (somewhat). I'm glad you are going and considering Al Anon. No doubt Al Anon will be very helpful. It would be great if he would go to therapy as well. </p><p></p><p>Do you have someone who supports you emotionally in all of this? It might be very easy for him to take advantage of your good heart and very easy for you to be taken advantage of if there is no one around who is helping you. Do you have a close friend or relative you can confide in to help you? Do you have any friends that he respects that could talk to him now and again?</p><p></p><p>I would consider offering your son reasonable help in finding a job or job skills training. And therapy, especially for substance abuse. </p><p></p><p>However, if he refuses these things and/or if he is abusive to you, you really need to SERIOUSLY consider having him move out of your home and set up a date. Make sure you have the support/back up of good friends in this.</p><p></p><p>He is a little on the young side and if you feel strongly about it, you might want to give him until a certain point in time...let's say 18 1/2 years of age to do the right thing. Or, you can just say Nov. 1st. Just pick something. Anything, that makes SOME sense. </p><p></p><p>However, whatever you decide to do, you should do it quickly and FIRMLY. Being firm and consistent is probably the most important thing of all. Make the criteria to staying home clear and make the move out date clear too. I too like the idea of a WRITTEN CONTRACT.</p><p></p><p>If down the road he has to move in with friends because he simply can nor or will not abide by appropriate rules and/or standards of living, you can always let him know that you love him and (because he is still on the young side) will do your best to help pay for any treatment (therapy) or legitimate medical expenses (for a period of time).</p><p></p><p>However, you respect yourself too much to allow someone who breaks the law, is disrespectful to you and refuses to follow house rules to remain in your home.</p><p></p><p>You should seriously consider, as hard as it is, setting a good/clear example, of self respect and logical consequences.</p><p></p><p>Here is something (I believe from the livestrong website) that is helpful:</p><p><strong>How to Develop Detachment</strong></p><p><strong></strong>In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:</p><p></p><p><strong>First:</strong> Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.</p><p></p><p><strong>Second:</strong> Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being. </p><p></p><p><strong>Third:</strong> "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own. </p><p></p><p><strong>Fourth:</strong> Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things. </p><p></p><p><strong>Fifth:</strong> Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change. </p><p></p><p><strong>Sixth:</strong> Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing. </p><p></p><p><strong>Seventh:</strong> Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel. </p><p></p><p><strong>Eighth:</strong> Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness. </p><p></p><p><strong>Ninth:</strong> Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.</p><p></p><p><strong>Tenth:</strong> Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.</p><p></p><p><strong>Eleventh:</strong> Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life. </p><p></p><p><strong>Twelfth:</strong> Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Remember, if you set up a contract and if you set up a new date, you MUST stick to it! Must, must and MUST!</p><p></p><p>HANG IN THERE!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 467716"] IT's a concern that you said he would be out by Oct. 1st and didn't stick to this, especially since it seems he is still doing things that are inappropriate. Is it your intention to have him move out now? Have you made up your mind? You said that therapy helps (somewhat). I'm glad you are going and considering Al Anon. No doubt Al Anon will be very helpful. It would be great if he would go to therapy as well. Do you have someone who supports you emotionally in all of this? It might be very easy for him to take advantage of your good heart and very easy for you to be taken advantage of if there is no one around who is helping you. Do you have a close friend or relative you can confide in to help you? Do you have any friends that he respects that could talk to him now and again? I would consider offering your son reasonable help in finding a job or job skills training. And therapy, especially for substance abuse. However, if he refuses these things and/or if he is abusive to you, you really need to SERIOUSLY consider having him move out of your home and set up a date. Make sure you have the support/back up of good friends in this. He is a little on the young side and if you feel strongly about it, you might want to give him until a certain point in time...let's say 18 1/2 years of age to do the right thing. Or, you can just say Nov. 1st. Just pick something. Anything, that makes SOME sense. However, whatever you decide to do, you should do it quickly and FIRMLY. Being firm and consistent is probably the most important thing of all. Make the criteria to staying home clear and make the move out date clear too. I too like the idea of a WRITTEN CONTRACT. If down the road he has to move in with friends because he simply can nor or will not abide by appropriate rules and/or standards of living, you can always let him know that you love him and (because he is still on the young side) will do your best to help pay for any treatment (therapy) or legitimate medical expenses (for a period of time). However, you respect yourself too much to allow someone who breaks the law, is disrespectful to you and refuses to follow house rules to remain in your home. You should seriously consider, as hard as it is, setting a good/clear example, of self respect and logical consequences. Here is something (I believe from the livestrong website) that is helpful: [B]How to Develop Detachment [/B]In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to: [B]First:[/B] Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on. [B]Second:[/B] Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being. [B]Third:[/B] "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own. [B]Fourth:[/B] Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things. [B]Fifth:[/B] Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change. [B]Sixth:[/B] Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing. [B]Seventh:[/B] Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel. [B]Eighth:[/B] Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness. [B]Ninth:[/B] Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things. [B]Tenth:[/B] Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life. [B]Eleventh:[/B] Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life. [B]Twelfth:[/B] Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change. Remember, if you set up a contract and if you set up a new date, you MUST stick to it! Must, must and MUST! HANG IN THERE! [/QUOTE]
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