I havent been on this forum for a while
and I wasnt quiet sure where to post this because it involves my 22yr difficult child and my 3yr grandson.
A bit of background history. My 22yr difficult child had issues since she was 4yrs. She ended up in a short term Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 6mths at age 15yr (the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) said she was one of the longest staying patients they had and they didnt know what to do with her). By the time she was 16yr old I signed her over voluntarily to foster-care for her own safety and for the well being of the rest of my family.
Fast forward a couple of yrs
my 18yrs difficult child meets a 17yr male difficult child in a structured class for court ordered/state custody kids (he molested a 6yr girl and did 4yrs in juvie and was just released). my difficult child and the male difficult child decided to have a child together so my difficult child could get out of foster-care at 18.5yrs old. So my difficult child gets pregnant, she gets released from foster-care and she ends up marrying the 17yr male difficult child. My difficult child ends up moving in with her new in-laws. During all of this I stay guarded and watch from a distance, I attend her wedding and help out minimally. My difficult child is good at dragging me into her drama. so much happened during my difficult children pregnancy, she ended up leaving her difficult child hubby 1 week before her baby is due. She moved in with us. She had her the baby (allowed her hubby in for the birth) in 2008 and ends up leaving the hospital with her hubby and moved back in with him.
Her difficult child hubby leaves the house with the 3 week old baby and doesnt return, with the help of his bipolar mother they get a restraining order on my daughter claiming she wanted to kill herself and her baby. The my difficult children bipolar motherinlaw (im guessing is the one who molested her own son) wanted to raise the grandbaby as her own (she is a crazy woman). My difficult child moves back to our home coz she is homeless (the restraining order didnt allow her back in the apartment she shared with her hubby). I was scared for the safety of my 3 week old grandson so we hire a lawyer and get the baby back. my hubby and I didnt want difficult child moving back into our home again. We had gone through so many yrs of drama and stress with her.
So we get the baby back, I run around with difficult child for 4mths getting services set up for her, got her on government housing, foodstamps etc. I wanted her self sufficient as soon as possible so I could get her out of my home. She fought with me, she didnt want to run around to get all the services she needed (she didnt think she needed any help). I did all the paperwork coz she is learning disabled. she roamed the streets in winter with her new baby all dolled up looking for a new man. I babysat my grandson while she went to work. I later found out she doesnt end up going to work. I was so glad government housing came through so we moved her out, we made her pay us back for gasoline, lawyers and anything else I paid for. As soon as she moved out I got the government to pay for daycare, daycare starts calling me with concerns about the baby being dirty, hungry and having marks on him. I call my daughters mentor about it, to get advice. The mentor tells my difficult child. My difficult child goes to a payday loan place, gets a loan to pay us off for everything we paid for to help her get on her feet plus the lawyer, then she stopped talking to us (this happened approx june/july 2008).
difficult child cut ties with all family members and hooks up with an illegal Hispanic who is approx 50yr+ old as soon as we moved her into her government housing. The illegal Hispanic worked at the same fastfood place difficult child worked at. difficult child gets pregnant again, this time to the illegal, her 2 kids are 15mths apart. All this time we have no relationship with difficult child. She get pregnant again to the illegal and ends up having 3 kids under 3yrs. Just before she was due to give birth to her 3[SUP]rd[/SUP] child I get in contact with her (the reason behind getting in contact is a long one, a death in the family and I had been in therapy for a yr due to the ptsd from having 3 difficult children, and my own abusive upbringing).
I am very guarded when it comes to getting hurt from difficult child, she was a nightmare of a kid. I will not let her, her illegal boyfriend or her kids into my home (she doesnt know this but im sure she is picking up on the fact I havent invited her over). My difficult children choice in partners has not been the best and to be honest I do not trust her judgment in people, I know nothing about this illegal guy she is with other than his first name. my daughter will not tell me anything about him (my son asked how old he was and she said old enough to drink) and I will not ask. Just before I got back in contact with my difficult child I was at her place of employment and I struck up a conversation with some people who work with her. they told me her illegal boyfriend doesnt work, he looks after the kids and she isnt happy coz he wont do anything to help her with the kids other than watch them when she is at work. he expects her to cook and clean and feed the kids before she leaves for work. my difficult child has told me her boyfriend works, I know my difficult child is an habitual liar, she will say whatever you want to hear. She has been labeled a chameleon by many mental health professionals. She will do, say and act to get her way, but as soon as you turn your back she is back to her old ways.
My difficult child always said there was nothing wrong with her when she was a teen, and that I had the problem, she use to bait me for responses/reaction all the time. the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) said they have never had a kid like her, she was the first female in 14yrs to be blocked from communicating with all the male staff. She never did get a diagnosis because she showed signs of so many diagnosis, from a.d.d, to mild aspergers/Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), to o.d.d, to severe c.a.p.d. She was tested for many yrs. At the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) she was tested again, she lied on the tests so they coudnt get an accurate diagnosis. The Residential Treatment Center (RTC) sent her to another hospital for testing and they were the ones who said she showed signs of so many diagnosis they didnt know what was wrong with her. She had an IEP in school for c.a.p.d, a.d.d and emotional problems. She received mental health help while in fostercare. I was told by several mental health professionals that my difficult child showed signs of borderline and narcissistic personality disorders but they didnt want to label her coz she was under 18yr old at the time.
Now her firstborn child, who is 3yr 4mth son is showing signs of a.d.h.d, c.a.p.d, and O.D.D (same diagnosis my difficult child had). I understand he is 3yrs old, and that 3yr olds can be a handful, but every time I have been around him he has been out of control, he runs off knowing he isnt allowed to, he kicks and hits his mother in the grocery store if she tries to control his out of control behavior, he screams to get his own way, spits at people, constantly into things he shouldnt, he reminds me of his mother. He looks at you and smiles when he knows he is doing wrong. He attention seeks. he will not accept the word no, he will keep asking and asking even though you tell him no many times. he runs off, waiting for you to come and get him with a smile on his face. Not once have I seen him behave. My daughter turns off and ignores his behavior. I use to stop whatever I was doing and address my childs behavior, put my child in timeout, apologize for my childs behavior, then go back to what I was doing. my daughter sometimes addresses her child behavior and sometimes she ignores it. she gets frustrated and says her child doesnt act like this when her boyfriend is around. that is not true, he acts out of control no matter who is around. when others make comments or are frustrated with her child she ignores it.
I suggested Headstart to my difficult child for her 3yr the other day, she said she worries about her 3yr because he is very energetic. I dont know how to tell her that her child may have behavioral problems, since she never accepted she had problems herself. there is no way my difficult child will get her son tested, she will not accept that her kids have a problem. She has no health insurance, she thinks she is the mother of the year because she doesnt feed her kids fast food (because she cant afford it and is living off of food stamps). the bio father to the 3yr has been in and out of jail on meth and drug charges. Up until I reconnected with my difficult child she allowed her son to visit with her ex and his family. my grandsons bio dad and his family have major pyscho, emotional issues on top of being filthy and raunting the govt for money coz they refuse to work. I think my difficult child used them as free daycare/respite (which boggles my mind considering they stole her child from her 3yrs ago and we went to court to get him back). the bio dad is a deadbeat dad, he never shows up for visitation, doesnt pay child support, his family picks up my grandson when they are bored and its not consistent, they allow my grandson to do whatever he wants when he is with them (its easier to ignore a kid then teach him).
My difficult child tries to discipline by doing time outs for 30 seconds but that doesnt help at all. she walks away from the timeout chair and he runs off. difficult child is not consistent with parenting. I think she ignores most of his behaviors, she truly is overwhelmed with the 3 kids. She and her illegal partner would rather give in to the kids for some peace, than to discipline and teach them.
To top everything off my hubby and my other kids want nothing to do with difficult child, and I dont blame them. I dont know how to keep balance in my family. my difficult child is a filthy person, her kids are always dirty, she drives with no license, I believe she doesnt know how to discipline her kids and I can tell you its not fun visiting her with an out of control kids. (her 2yr old girl is starting to act out) Any advice on how to tell my difficult child her kid needs help? i almost regret getting back in contact with her. I dread every occasion/holiday/birthday coz I dont know how to tell her she isnt welcome in my home so I make excuses to go to her home, meet in the park, or say I have other plans. I think her Hispanic boyfriend (who doesnt speak any English) has picked up on the fact I will not help them financially (he called us white rich people). I will not cook, clean and raise their kids for them. i wonder why this Hispanic guy (who is older then hubby and I) is with my daughter, I believe his mental capacity isnt all there. why would he be with a 22yr old (who isnt functioning very well) if he is nearly 50yrs old. I think he is living off my daughter for free food, housing etc. the more kids they have the more food stamps and govt help they get. Only problem is my daughter isnt a citizen, she is a legal permanent resident, so she ends up having to pay it all back with her taxes every yr.
