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How do you cope?
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 703185" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>There is nothing selfish about trying to reconcile and cope with your situation. It's healthy that you are striving to find some answers in how to deal with all of this.</p><p></p><p></p><p>My son will be 35 in a couple of months and he still behaves like a 14 year old on so many levels. My son refuses to own the choices that he has made that have led his life down a very difficult road. He wants to blame everyone else. My son is a grown man that has not grown up. Many of the adult difficult children that are discussed here share this trait. </p><p>If our adult difficult children were responsible in that they could truly take care of themselves without chaos, drama, drugs, sponging off mom and dad, etc....... then they wouldn't be adult difficult children, they would be responsible adults and we wouldn't be here discussing them.</p><p></p><p></p><p>We have no control over what our adult children do. We can suggest and even beg them to behave in a more responsible manner but in the end, they will do as they please.</p><p></p><p></p><ol> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">For me it was coming to the realization that my sweet little boy was gone. The sweetness he once possessed had been replaced with bitterness and anger. While I see him as an adult, I still do not see him as a responsible adult. I will never understand why my son has chosen the lifestyle he has but I have learned to accept it. Accepting it has allowed me to move on with my life.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">I found having some "canned answers" worked best for me. When a family member or friend says something like "you should do this or that" you can simply say "thank you for your input, I'll consider it" As for those who choose to pass judgment, there is nothing you can do. You should never have to defend your actions as a parent to anyone, not family or friends. Unless someone has walked in our shoes, lived in our homes and dealt with the chaos our difficult children create, they will never understand.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">It's called coming out of the FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. There are no perfect parents, we have all made mistakes but we have also done the best we could. The parents who come to this site are good parents that love their kids. We taught our children right from wrong, we instilled morals and values, we loved them. There comes a point in our children's lives that they start making decisions on their own. We as parents did not fail. There are many stories of adults who were raised in total dysfunction who go on to live very responsible, respectful lives. </li> <li data-xf-list-type="ol">Only you can answer that. It took me quite a few years. I probably would have done it sooner had I found this site years ago. My husband and I have given our son more second chances than I can remember. We have set him up in places to live, paid the rent, bought the food, the clothes, paid for everything and all our son had to was get a job. He could get jobs but holding onto them was another story. I had enough "several times" but would get sucked back into his chaotic vortex. Detachment takes time, it's like peeling back the layers of an onion. 2 steps forward, 3 back, 5 steps forward, 1 back and so on. Here is a link to the article on detachment that is at the top of PE forum. It offers some very practical tips on how to detach. Also, detaching does not mean that we stop loving our children, it just means that we will no longer allow them to hold our emotions hostage. <a href="http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz4QQAnbRMV" target="_blank">http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz4QQAnbRM</a></li> </ol><p>I'm really glad you found us here.</p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/notalone.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":notalone:" title="notalone :notalone:" data-shortname=":notalone:" /><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/staystrong.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":staystrong:" title="staystrong :staystrong:" data-shortname=":staystrong:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 703185, member: 18516"] There is nothing selfish about trying to reconcile and cope with your situation. It's healthy that you are striving to find some answers in how to deal with all of this. My son will be 35 in a couple of months and he still behaves like a 14 year old on so many levels. My son refuses to own the choices that he has made that have led his life down a very difficult road. He wants to blame everyone else. My son is a grown man that has not grown up. Many of the adult difficult children that are discussed here share this trait. If our adult difficult children were responsible in that they could truly take care of themselves without chaos, drama, drugs, sponging off mom and dad, etc....... then they wouldn't be adult difficult children, they would be responsible adults and we wouldn't be here discussing them. We have no control over what our adult children do. We can suggest and even beg them to behave in a more responsible manner but in the end, they will do as they please. [LIST=1] [*]For me it was coming to the realization that my sweet little boy was gone. The sweetness he once possessed had been replaced with bitterness and anger. While I see him as an adult, I still do not see him as a responsible adult. I will never understand why my son has chosen the lifestyle he has but I have learned to accept it. Accepting it has allowed me to move on with my life. [*]I found having some "canned answers" worked best for me. When a family member or friend says something like "you should do this or that" you can simply say "thank you for your input, I'll consider it" As for those who choose to pass judgment, there is nothing you can do. You should never have to defend your actions as a parent to anyone, not family or friends. Unless someone has walked in our shoes, lived in our homes and dealt with the chaos our difficult children create, they will never understand. [*]It's called coming out of the FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt. There are no perfect parents, we have all made mistakes but we have also done the best we could. The parents who come to this site are good parents that love their kids. We taught our children right from wrong, we instilled morals and values, we loved them. There comes a point in our children's lives that they start making decisions on their own. We as parents did not fail. There are many stories of adults who were raised in total dysfunction who go on to live very responsible, respectful lives. [*]Only you can answer that. It took me quite a few years. I probably would have done it sooner had I found this site years ago. My husband and I have given our son more second chances than I can remember. We have set him up in places to live, paid the rent, bought the food, the clothes, paid for everything and all our son had to was get a job. He could get jobs but holding onto them was another story. I had enough "several times" but would get sucked back into his chaotic vortex. Detachment takes time, it's like peeling back the layers of an onion. 2 steps forward, 3 back, 5 steps forward, 1 back and so on. Here is a link to the article on detachment that is at the top of PE forum. It offers some very practical tips on how to detach. Also, detaching does not mean that we stop loving our children, it just means that we will no longer allow them to hold our emotions hostage. [URL='http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz4QQAnbRMV']http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz4QQAnbRM[/URL] [/LIST] I'm really glad you found us here. :notalone::staystrong: [/QUOTE]
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