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How do you cope?
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 703280" data-attributes="member: 4152"><p>I recall that our son, who is actually NOT our problem child, went through a very tumultuous time at ages 17 and 18. He is doing very well today, but we incorporated a lot of therapy and tough love.</p><p></p><p> Our daughter is the difficult child and went through multiple difficult periods, but those years were also most unpleasant.</p><p></p><p>Periodically, in order to cope with our Difficult Child, my husband and I saw a therapist, NOT due to marriage difficulties, but in order to discuss various strategies because caring for an emotionally or mentally ill individual is profoundly draining.</p><p></p><p>I also saw a therapist privately off and on.</p><p></p><p>My husband and I learned to take little mini vacations. They were life savers!!!!!!</p><p></p><p>You asked specifically:</p><p></p><ul> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">How and when do you stop seeing the little boy who once loved you and needed you and start seeing the man?</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">How do you deal with friends and relatives who try to be supportive but don't understand and who are maybe even be judgmental of your parenting.</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">How do you cope with the feeling of failure, no matter how unreasonable that is?</li> <li data-xf-list-type="ul">When is it right to detach?</li> </ul><p></p><p>1. With our daughter, I think I had to grieve that LOSS that she was not the person I had hoped she would be. It's a little different in our situation, because she has been ill since childhood. But, I think no matter how you look at it, it's a loss, there is grieving process, an awareness of reality and a push to go forward.</p><p>2. OMG! RE: friends/relatives/judgment. Age old important questions. This usually takes time. For a very long time time, the way we "handled it," is that we had several levels of information we put out there. We told extremely close friends the truth (one or two people), most people a cleaned up version, and some people either nothing or what they absolutely HAD to know. Not too many judged. In due time, we discovered that people down the road realized that their judgement of us was foolish and needed to be suspended.</p><p>3. I still sometimes feel like a failure...but rarely. My husband often reminds me that we did the best we could and that our daughter would like be far worse off had we not done the very best we could. I do feel like there were times we put in 110% and I can tell you from personal experience it is dangerous to one's well being to put 110% into anything!!!!</p><p>4. I started to detach somewhat when my child turned 18, but more fully when she turned 21. I felt that I should consider being more present in her life since she had / has special needs. But ,the bottom line is detachment is more than that. It is about letting her make her own decisions and letting her be accountable for those decisions and removing my psyche from all of that baggage. I still have my moments...but it is significantly better. I think it's almost always the right time to detach, especially once they turn 18.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 703280, member: 4152"] I recall that our son, who is actually NOT our problem child, went through a very tumultuous time at ages 17 and 18. He is doing very well today, but we incorporated a lot of therapy and tough love. Our daughter is the difficult child and went through multiple difficult periods, but those years were also most unpleasant. Periodically, in order to cope with our Difficult Child, my husband and I saw a therapist, NOT due to marriage difficulties, but in order to discuss various strategies because caring for an emotionally or mentally ill individual is profoundly draining. I also saw a therapist privately off and on. My husband and I learned to take little mini vacations. They were life savers!!!!!! You asked specifically: [LIST] [*]How and when do you stop seeing the little boy who once loved you and needed you and start seeing the man? [*]How do you deal with friends and relatives who try to be supportive but don't understand and who are maybe even be judgmental of your parenting. [*]How do you cope with the feeling of failure, no matter how unreasonable that is? [*]When is it right to detach? [/LIST] 1. With our daughter, I think I had to grieve that LOSS that she was not the person I had hoped she would be. It's a little different in our situation, because she has been ill since childhood. But, I think no matter how you look at it, it's a loss, there is grieving process, an awareness of reality and a push to go forward. 2. OMG! RE: friends/relatives/judgment. Age old important questions. This usually takes time. For a very long time time, the way we "handled it," is that we had several levels of information we put out there. We told extremely close friends the truth (one or two people), most people a cleaned up version, and some people either nothing or what they absolutely HAD to know. Not too many judged. In due time, we discovered that people down the road realized that their judgement of us was foolish and needed to be suspended. 3. I still sometimes feel like a failure...but rarely. My husband often reminds me that we did the best we could and that our daughter would like be far worse off had we not done the very best we could. I do feel like there were times we put in 110% and I can tell you from personal experience it is dangerous to one's well being to put 110% into anything!!!! 4. I started to detach somewhat when my child turned 18, but more fully when she turned 21. I felt that I should consider being more present in her life since she had / has special needs. But ,the bottom line is detachment is more than that. It is about letting her make her own decisions and letting her be accountable for those decisions and removing my psyche from all of that baggage. I still have my moments...but it is significantly better. I think it's almost always the right time to detach, especially once they turn 18. [/QUOTE]
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