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How do you cope?
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 703290" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>What a brilliant post, Nomad.</p><p></p><p>This is the only piece of your post I am turning around in my head. I have had a difficult time with detaching, for so many reasons. I know I am better than I was, but by the same token, I am again very, very involved in how my son is living his life. After a significant period of time where I detached objectively and physically--very little contact, no searching for him, no calling him, when he called--I would not talk--you know he has been home for most of the past 10 months.</p><p></p><p>And if anything, I re-attached. And I recognize that the detaching I did, in the way I did it for many years--was really running away. </p><p></p><p>Nowadays, I want to support my son. And even though it is extremely difficult on M and myself, harder on him of late--we do not see ourselves as pulling back.</p><p></p><p>But I am changing, and we are changing our game plan. I have gotten beyond much of my anger, and I am able to be more loving, and rooted in my love for my son. More humble--I am. More able to spell out conditions and boundaries, from a neutral not defensive and demanding space.</p><p></p><p>And M is becoming the bad cop. He now sees that both of us cannot cede at the same time. That my son sees this as weakness, as an opportunity. One of us has to be tough, demanding, and borderline rejecting--or my son will eat us up alive.</p><p></p><p>But my son seems to be responding to my humility and greater stability and my willingness to give up power and control while I maintain boundaries and conditions.</p><p></p><p>It is complex. Everybody else says it, but I will say it too. <em>This is not easy.</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 703290, member: 18958"] What a brilliant post, Nomad. This is the only piece of your post I am turning around in my head. I have had a difficult time with detaching, for so many reasons. I know I am better than I was, but by the same token, I am again very, very involved in how my son is living his life. After a significant period of time where I detached objectively and physically--very little contact, no searching for him, no calling him, when he called--I would not talk--you know he has been home for most of the past 10 months. And if anything, I re-attached. And I recognize that the detaching I did, in the way I did it for many years--was really running away. Nowadays, I want to support my son. And even though it is extremely difficult on M and myself, harder on him of late--we do not see ourselves as pulling back. But I am changing, and we are changing our game plan. I have gotten beyond much of my anger, and I am able to be more loving, and rooted in my love for my son. More humble--I am. More able to spell out conditions and boundaries, from a neutral not defensive and demanding space. And M is becoming the bad cop. He now sees that both of us cannot cede at the same time. That my son sees this as weakness, as an opportunity. One of us has to be tough, demanding, and borderline rejecting--or my son will eat us up alive. But my son seems to be responding to my humility and greater stability and my willingness to give up power and control while I maintain boundaries and conditions. It is complex. Everybody else says it, but I will say it too. [I]This is not easy.[/I] [/QUOTE]
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