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Family of Origin
How much did you cry? And do you think they cried over you?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 667384" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I cried over my kids, back when I could not believe what was happening to us, and to them. Family of origin makes me feel very sad, but it is a sadness tinged with regret or frustration or anger. Or like, outraged confusion. I see their choices, and I don't understand why they do what they do. I don't understand the win in it for them. I've been researching that feeling of automaton, or numbing, in my memories of interacting with FOO.</p><p></p><p>I think I have been defended against them for a very long time.</p><p></p><p>I kept trying to change things, kept believing we could come together and be happy and so on.</p><p></p><p>I think the benefit of the FOO Chronicles is less about understanding them than it is about understanding how the differences between my family of origin and healthy families are affecting me today. It doesn't make me cry, to learn the why behind what is happening. It makes me sad, then mad; then it just becomes what it is. It was never me, it was them.</p><p></p><p>And I am so surprised about that, still.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing I need to do regarding improving family relationships because there is nothing I <em>can </em>do. They are making choices as surely as I am. They will always make the same kinds of choices. Once we see that, the hurt ~ I don't know. There is nothing to be hurt about.</p><p></p><p>If they weren't happy doing what they are doing, they would do something else.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing we have to do, about them.</p><p></p><p>I have been reading David Brooks' <u>The Road to Character.</u> It's an exploration of childhood preparation and of personal choice regarding right and wrong in adulthood. </p><p></p><p>It has been an interesting book for me to read at this time.</p><p></p><p>As we have explored the more traumatic aspects of our childhoods here together, I think I have been able to free energy once devoted to repressing feelings I was afraid to acknowledge because I didn't know what to do with them. Time will tell if this is true. I think this is true. Shame, really toxic, hurtful shame having to do with what the adults in my life believed the child I had been was capable of, or was entitled to, came to the forefront when my children were so troubled and I could not help us. Looking back, I am proud and amazed that I met those challenges with the strength and determination I did. </p><p></p><p>Family of origin saw my pain and confusion as vulnerability. They were wickedly unsupportive to downright destructive. I know that now, and I know how a supportive family would have behaved. When it was happening, I did not know those things. I believed my mother was correct, when I told her our daughter had been admitted to an Adolescent Crisis Center and she said that it looked like I hadn't been a good mother after all, had I. </p><p></p><p>That is why it is important for us to trace these things back.</p><p></p><p>If our families of origin have hurt us as children, they will hurt us as adults with whatever is at hand. Listening to them, believing them or believing in them, will weaken us.</p><p></p><p>When the kids are in trouble, we need to be strong and certain and affectionate. We cannot function as our best, strongest selves for our families we create when our families of origin sense vulnerability in our pain and confusion over our children and zero in on us. I would have been stronger and more centered in dealing with the chaos of what happened with my kids had I not seen my family of origin at all while I was questioning whether something in my parenting had sent my kids off on the paths they were on.</p><p></p><p>So, that is an important thing for all of us to remember.</p><p></p><p>No vulnerability to dysfunctional family of origin people, especially if they are our mothers. Or fathers, if father was the abuser. They will hurt us if they can, if there is an opening, a vulnerability in us.</p><p></p><p>I no longer feel shame at what happened to our family. I feel deeply sad that my children were not able to take advantage of the life path we might have opened for them, but I am not ashamed of them, or of myself. That is a blessing. Shame over what was happening to all of us should never have been part of what happened to all of us. Shame is not helpful.</p><p> </p><p>We need to know that. We need to know how our dysfunctional families hurt us. We need to know why they did what they did. We need to get it that they would have done what they did to any child, to every child. And we need to ~ well, I don't know.</p><p></p><p>There isn't anything to do with them, really. It is what it is. Once we understand that our people we love are less than we wish, instead of understanding that what happened to us happened because we are less than they wished, then we can heal.</p><p></p><p>It's as simple as that. But it's really hard to get there.</p><p></p><p>We are doing it, and for anyone reading here, you can do it, too.</p><p></p><p>For those of us with very toxic families of origin, committing to see it and have it and to bringing ourselves out the other side of it will change everything about our lives, today. </p><p></p><p>I do not believe anyone in my family of origin cries over me. I make them uncomfortable, I suppose. </p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 667384, member: 17461"] I cried over my kids, back when I could not believe what was happening to us, and to them. Family of origin makes me feel very sad, but it is a sadness tinged with regret or frustration or anger. Or like, outraged confusion. I see their choices, and I don't understand why they do what they do. I don't understand the win in it for them. I've been researching that feeling of automaton, or numbing, in my memories of interacting with FOO. I think I have been defended against them for a very long time. I kept trying to change things, kept believing we could come together and be happy and so on. I think the benefit of the FOO Chronicles is less about understanding them than it is about understanding how the differences between my family of origin and healthy families are affecting me today. It doesn't make me cry, to learn the why behind what is happening. It makes me sad, then mad; then it just becomes what it is. It was never me, it was them. And I am so surprised about that, still. There is nothing I need to do regarding improving family relationships because there is nothing I [I]can [/I]do. They are making choices as surely as I am. They will always make the same kinds of choices. Once we see that, the hurt ~ I don't know. There is nothing to be hurt about. If they weren't happy doing what they are doing, they would do something else. There is nothing we have to do, about them. I have been reading David Brooks' [U]The Road to Character.[/U] It's an exploration of childhood preparation and of personal choice regarding right and wrong in adulthood. It has been an interesting book for me to read at this time. As we have explored the more traumatic aspects of our childhoods here together, I think I have been able to free energy once devoted to repressing feelings I was afraid to acknowledge because I didn't know what to do with them. Time will tell if this is true. I think this is true. Shame, really toxic, hurtful shame having to do with what the adults in my life believed the child I had been was capable of, or was entitled to, came to the forefront when my children were so troubled and I could not help us. Looking back, I am proud and amazed that I met those challenges with the strength and determination I did. Family of origin saw my pain and confusion as vulnerability. They were wickedly unsupportive to downright destructive. I know that now, and I know how a supportive family would have behaved. When it was happening, I did not know those things. I believed my mother was correct, when I told her our daughter had been admitted to an Adolescent Crisis Center and she said that it looked like I hadn't been a good mother after all, had I. That is why it is important for us to trace these things back. If our families of origin have hurt us as children, they will hurt us as adults with whatever is at hand. Listening to them, believing them or believing in them, will weaken us. When the kids are in trouble, we need to be strong and certain and affectionate. We cannot function as our best, strongest selves for our families we create when our families of origin sense vulnerability in our pain and confusion over our children and zero in on us. I would have been stronger and more centered in dealing with the chaos of what happened with my kids had I not seen my family of origin at all while I was questioning whether something in my parenting had sent my kids off on the paths they were on. So, that is an important thing for all of us to remember. No vulnerability to dysfunctional family of origin people, especially if they are our mothers. Or fathers, if father was the abuser. They will hurt us if they can, if there is an opening, a vulnerability in us. I no longer feel shame at what happened to our family. I feel deeply sad that my children were not able to take advantage of the life path we might have opened for them, but I am not ashamed of them, or of myself. That is a blessing. Shame over what was happening to all of us should never have been part of what happened to all of us. Shame is not helpful. We need to know that. We need to know how our dysfunctional families hurt us. We need to know why they did what they did. We need to get it that they would have done what they did to any child, to every child. And we need to ~ well, I don't know. There isn't anything to do with them, really. It is what it is. Once we understand that our people we love are less than we wish, instead of understanding that what happened to us happened because we are less than they wished, then we can heal. It's as simple as that. But it's really hard to get there. We are doing it, and for anyone reading here, you can do it, too. For those of us with very toxic families of origin, committing to see it and have it and to bringing ourselves out the other side of it will change everything about our lives, today. I do not believe anyone in my family of origin cries over me. I make them uncomfortable, I suppose. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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How much did you cry? And do you think they cried over you?
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