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Family of Origin
How much did you cry? And do you think they cried over you?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 667410" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>When I was little (and I think that is why I don't cry today unless it has to do with my kids ~ and even then, I can count on the fingers of one hand the times I cried in front of them over something they were doing), to cry was to admit I'd been broken; was to admit to the abuser that she had won. </p><p></p><p>Crying was self pity, to me.</p><p></p><p>I cried for myself, when I cried, and I did not admire myself for that.</p><p></p><p>That is probably why my sister's tears can affect me so. I cannot imagine the pain I would have to feel to cry in front of someone. But then, I realized through posting here that my sister watches me while her eyes fill with tears.</p><p></p><p>Who does that.</p><p></p><p>People who are manipulating you with their crying, that's who.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/Graemlins/919Mad.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":919Mad:" title="Mad :919Mad:" data-shortname=":919Mad:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p>But I still do feel badly, when I think about my sister crying.</p><p></p><p>I think the difference for me now is that I don't get stuck in protective mode, now. I want clarification about why she is crying.</p><p></p><p>That's the difference.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/vacuumsm.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":vacuumsm:" title="vacuumsm :vacuumsm:" data-shortname=":vacuumsm:" /></p><p></p><p>Maybe that is where that feeling of calmness you describe comes from, Serenity. We are not automatically stepping into the expected roles.</p><p></p><p>We are thinking about what is really happening when our families of origin expect us to behave in certain ways. Maybe that is the difference, now. We don't believe anymore that the shame in us is an authentic place to respond from.</p><p></p><p>But when we don't respond from a shame based role, communication stops between ourselves and our families of origin.</p><p></p><p>And we see there was never any real communication happening, at all.</p><p></p><p>Ever.</p><p></p><p>It's disorienting. That is probably why researching the motivation beneath shaming and shunning fascinates me now. I am trying to figure out what real communication should look and feel like.</p><p></p><p>Or, what being a real person looks and feels like.</p><p></p><p>With those shame based cores we were hurt into falling apart, we have nothing to guide us in determining right from wrong thought or action. </p><p></p><p>For me right now, a kind of angry defiance seems to be the default position.</p><p></p><p>I hope I don't get stuck here.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/consoling.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":consoling:" title="consoling :consoling:" data-shortname=":consoling:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 667410, member: 17461"] When I was little (and I think that is why I don't cry today unless it has to do with my kids ~ and even then, I can count on the fingers of one hand the times I cried in front of them over something they were doing), to cry was to admit I'd been broken; was to admit to the abuser that she had won. Crying was self pity, to me. I cried for myself, when I cried, and I did not admire myself for that. That is probably why my sister's tears can affect me so. I cannot imagine the pain I would have to feel to cry in front of someone. But then, I realized through posting here that my sister watches me while her eyes fill with tears. Who does that. People who are manipulating you with their crying, that's who. :919Mad: But I still do feel badly, when I think about my sister crying. I think the difference for me now is that I don't get stuck in protective mode, now. I want clarification about why she is crying. That's the difference. :vacuumsm: Maybe that is where that feeling of calmness you describe comes from, Serenity. We are not automatically stepping into the expected roles. We are thinking about what is really happening when our families of origin expect us to behave in certain ways. Maybe that is the difference, now. We don't believe anymore that the shame in us is an authentic place to respond from. But when we don't respond from a shame based role, communication stops between ourselves and our families of origin. And we see there was never any real communication happening, at all. Ever. It's disorienting. That is probably why researching the motivation beneath shaming and shunning fascinates me now. I am trying to figure out what real communication should look and feel like. Or, what being a real person looks and feels like. With those shame based cores we were hurt into falling apart, we have nothing to guide us in determining right from wrong thought or action. For me right now, a kind of angry defiance seems to be the default position. I hope I don't get stuck here. :consoling: Cedar [/QUOTE]
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How much did you cry? And do you think they cried over you?
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