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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 622064" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It does define our futures, doesn't it, Strength. I never even thought about it like that. Since I have changed the way I think, there have been any number of good, positive changes in every area of my life ~ not just in the way I feel about my relationship to my children, but in how I feel about myself.</p><p></p><p>Small steps. And one day you look back, and you are so far from where you started you hardly recognize yourself. Though you remember the pain and the darkness of that other time, it seems that hopelessly defeated person could not have been you.</p><p></p><p>Thank heaven we are all here on this site, healing and teaching and learning. It would have been such a sad thing, never to have reclaimed ourselves.</p><p></p><p>How are you doing this morning, End of Our Rope?</p><p></p><p>I thought about you last night. While we have stepped in a few times, we have not taken our grandchildren permanently. As one of us is always saying, if you continue doing what you have always done, you will get what you always got.</p><p></p><p>So, you have to break the lock your daughter has on you. Once things start to move, your options will open up.</p><p></p><p>I think your daughter and her children need to move into their own home as soon as possible. If they are able to make a family, you are free. If your daughter is an irresponsible parent, you can sue for custody or take any number of other actions.</p><p></p><p>What you cannot continue to do is harbor someone in your home who resents and treats you badly. It is not the best thing for you, for your daughter (who needs the responsibilities of an adult to help her grow into an adult), or for your grandchildren to live together in what must be a tension-charged atmosphere.</p><p></p><p>Is it possible for you to take a time away with your wife? First, you need a break away together and second, once you are away and your heads have cleared and you are calmer, you need to discuss where it is you want your lives to go. What you want your lives to look like three months from now, a year or two years down the road? Do you want to be playing and sunning and fooling around in some warm, southern clime...or raising grandchildren and parenting a rebellious thirty-three year old. </p><p></p><p>Who may have given you a third grandchild, by that time.</p><p></p><p>That kind of envisioning your future will help you know what choices and decisions you intend to make, today.</p><p></p><p>Daughter and the kids need to leave.</p><p></p><p>If you can afford it, rent them somewhere for a month or even a week. You need alone time with your wife to reconnect with her, and to decide, as a couple, what you want to do next.</p><p></p><p>You are stronger and more powerful than you know. Your daughter is an adult. She can only learn to take responsibility by taking responsibility. </p><p></p><p>I changed my mind about pressing charges. I was only thinking daughter would go to jail and the kids would be safe with you. This morning, I am thinking I was wrong in suggesting that. This morning, I think you should face your daughter head on and move her out of your house.</p><p></p><p>Then you can think what to do next.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 622064, member: 17461"] It does define our futures, doesn't it, Strength. I never even thought about it like that. Since I have changed the way I think, there have been any number of good, positive changes in every area of my life ~ not just in the way I feel about my relationship to my children, but in how I feel about myself. Small steps. And one day you look back, and you are so far from where you started you hardly recognize yourself. Though you remember the pain and the darkness of that other time, it seems that hopelessly defeated person could not have been you. Thank heaven we are all here on this site, healing and teaching and learning. It would have been such a sad thing, never to have reclaimed ourselves. How are you doing this morning, End of Our Rope? I thought about you last night. While we have stepped in a few times, we have not taken our grandchildren permanently. As one of us is always saying, if you continue doing what you have always done, you will get what you always got. So, you have to break the lock your daughter has on you. Once things start to move, your options will open up. I think your daughter and her children need to move into their own home as soon as possible. If they are able to make a family, you are free. If your daughter is an irresponsible parent, you can sue for custody or take any number of other actions. What you cannot continue to do is harbor someone in your home who resents and treats you badly. It is not the best thing for you, for your daughter (who needs the responsibilities of an adult to help her grow into an adult), or for your grandchildren to live together in what must be a tension-charged atmosphere. Is it possible for you to take a time away with your wife? First, you need a break away together and second, once you are away and your heads have cleared and you are calmer, you need to discuss where it is you want your lives to go. What you want your lives to look like three months from now, a year or two years down the road? Do you want to be playing and sunning and fooling around in some warm, southern clime...or raising grandchildren and parenting a rebellious thirty-three year old. Who may have given you a third grandchild, by that time. That kind of envisioning your future will help you know what choices and decisions you intend to make, today. Daughter and the kids need to leave. If you can afford it, rent them somewhere for a month or even a week. You need alone time with your wife to reconnect with her, and to decide, as a couple, what you want to do next. You are stronger and more powerful than you know. Your daughter is an adult. She can only learn to take responsibility by taking responsibility. I changed my mind about pressing charges. I was only thinking daughter would go to jail and the kids would be safe with you. This morning, I am thinking I was wrong in suggesting that. This morning, I think you should face your daughter head on and move her out of your house. Then you can think what to do next. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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