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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 632257" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I am so very sorry for all of your losses. I am sorry that the situation with your daughter continues. I think you are right in not bailing out your daughter. Like most of us here, we try every single thing and then we try to detach. For many of us, it's easier to detach when they are in jail or not right in our face all the time.</p><p></p><p>I completely understand your feelings about raising your grand kids. I am a grumpy old person too and I've raised my granddaughter and it ain't easy. She leaves in 2 weeks for college and although I will miss her a lot, I am also glad to have my own life back now. </p><p></p><p>I hope you've continued going to the NAMI classes. You and your wife might consider some kind of counseling so you can get on the same page and weather this storm together. You don't mention how you are at odds, so presumably it is about how to handle your daughter and how or if you will raise the grandkids too.</p><p></p><p>As you know, this is a landscape like no other, filled with mine fields that blow up continuously and often take us out. The best advice I can offer you is to get some professional support for both you and your wife. Find a place you can go together or separately or better both, and begin to piece together your lives.........get back on <u>your </u>track, the one you and your wife share. Try to find a common ground to stand on. </p><p></p><p>One thing my husband and I did when we were embroiled in the drama my daughter created, was every single Saturday, we took off. We went to the ocean, the mountains, the city, on hikes, on excursions, to lunch, to shows, to exhibits, anything that was OUT OF TOWN. We would leave early and come back late. It was a life saver. In the beginning we would talk about my daughter, but after we vented we would start to enjoy the day. After awhile we started to really look forward to those days. We still do it every Saturday, but now we do it purely for the fun of it.</p><p></p><p>If you have the kids, then get a babysitter and get yourselves out of Dodge.</p><p></p><p>Do you know how long your daughter will have to stay in jail? If it is for awhile, are you considering gaining guardianship for the kids? If you are, then you will be raising them, but you can let go of continuing to '<em>raise'</em> your daughter, once the kids are safe, you could let go of any financial responsibility for her. It sounds as if you were helping her to help the kids. Perhaps this event will help you gain guardianship, or the kids father to step in and together you all can determine what is now best for the kids. I found in my own journey that often these dramatic events lead somewhere and put me on a different path. Perhaps now you can separate from your daughter, engage the kids father, in their care, get legal action taken and be able to get out from under your daughters reign of terror. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry. I do know firsthand how difficult this all is. And the damage it does to our relationships. Get yourself support. Talk with your wife and come up with a plan for YOU and she. Figure out what you really want to do. I know it's hard. Stay connected to this group. We do understand where you are and how devastating it all is. I'm glad you came back, but so sorry you needed to.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 632257, member: 13542"] I am so very sorry for all of your losses. I am sorry that the situation with your daughter continues. I think you are right in not bailing out your daughter. Like most of us here, we try every single thing and then we try to detach. For many of us, it's easier to detach when they are in jail or not right in our face all the time. I completely understand your feelings about raising your grand kids. I am a grumpy old person too and I've raised my granddaughter and it ain't easy. She leaves in 2 weeks for college and although I will miss her a lot, I am also glad to have my own life back now. I hope you've continued going to the NAMI classes. You and your wife might consider some kind of counseling so you can get on the same page and weather this storm together. You don't mention how you are at odds, so presumably it is about how to handle your daughter and how or if you will raise the grandkids too. As you know, this is a landscape like no other, filled with mine fields that blow up continuously and often take us out. The best advice I can offer you is to get some professional support for both you and your wife. Find a place you can go together or separately or better both, and begin to piece together your lives.........get back on [U]your [/U]track, the one you and your wife share. Try to find a common ground to stand on. One thing my husband and I did when we were embroiled in the drama my daughter created, was every single Saturday, we took off. We went to the ocean, the mountains, the city, on hikes, on excursions, to lunch, to shows, to exhibits, anything that was OUT OF TOWN. We would leave early and come back late. It was a life saver. In the beginning we would talk about my daughter, but after we vented we would start to enjoy the day. After awhile we started to really look forward to those days. We still do it every Saturday, but now we do it purely for the fun of it. If you have the kids, then get a babysitter and get yourselves out of Dodge. Do you know how long your daughter will have to stay in jail? If it is for awhile, are you considering gaining guardianship for the kids? If you are, then you will be raising them, but you can let go of continuing to '[I]raise'[/I] your daughter, once the kids are safe, you could let go of any financial responsibility for her. It sounds as if you were helping her to help the kids. Perhaps this event will help you gain guardianship, or the kids father to step in and together you all can determine what is now best for the kids. I found in my own journey that often these dramatic events lead somewhere and put me on a different path. Perhaps now you can separate from your daughter, engage the kids father, in their care, get legal action taken and be able to get out from under your daughters reign of terror. I am sorry. I do know firsthand how difficult this all is. And the damage it does to our relationships. Get yourself support. Talk with your wife and come up with a plan for YOU and she. Figure out what you really want to do. I know it's hard. Stay connected to this group. We do understand where you are and how devastating it all is. I'm glad you came back, but so sorry you needed to. [/QUOTE]
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