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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 632259" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I hear you. You're in the thick of it now, and I remember how difficult it is to be able to see any light in that darkness at all. </p><p></p><p>Not to contradict you, because I do understand where you're coming from, but those who can actually say, yes I did detach and my life is back on track usually stop posting here after awhile, because they move on with their lives. Those of us who stay, like myself, can tell you that yes, the kids are always there, but what does change is US. We can learn to take care of US, to put ourselves first, to learn how to respond differently, to let go of allowing another's choices to dictate how we feel, to find some peace and some joy in the midst of 'what is.' It has everything to do with detaching and accepting the situation we are in. Not to condone the actions of our kids, but to learn to accept what the truth is. Not to fix it, throw money at it, enable it, rescue it, repair it, change it, control it, or in any way shift it, but to learn to use the tools and the resources to find our way through it and to find a different way to live. </p><p></p><p>In my own case, it took a village to help me get off the crazy train and stop. But once I did, everything changed. For awhile, my daughter was the same, but I was different, I responded differently, I had learned how to let go and allow what was going to happen to happen without my interference. I stopped being dragged around by the choices of another. I just stopped. It took me two years with a lot of therapy, but I was determined to NOT have my life ruined by something or someone I had absolutely no control over. I wanted my life back and I became willing to do whatever it took to get it back. And I did. So can you. It takes a lot of work and a lot of help because it is like a runaway train that you have to stop and then start in another direction all on your own steam. It's not easy, but it is doable. Even with the circumstances you find yourself in. But it is YOU and your wife who will have to change. You can't wait around for your daughter to change because that ain't happening. YOU have to do it. But once you make that commitment, once you find your support system, once you begin to learn how to respond differently and gain some momentum, you will feel a WHOLE LOT BETTER. </p><p></p><p>Get help. Get support. Don't try to do this alone because you will likely fail, it's too hard. Like I said, I needed a village and you know what, I got what I wanted and needed, I just had to look. I had to want it so bad I would do anything to get my life back. The alternative was just way too grim. I refused to accept that reality. Those who accept it end up living in it. I refused. I suggest you do that too. Refuse to live this way, Find your way out. Start right now. You have to have that kind of a commitment to your self and your life and make that the largest priority. Your happiness matters. You matter. Don't give up. Fight for the life you want.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 632259, member: 13542"] I hear you. You're in the thick of it now, and I remember how difficult it is to be able to see any light in that darkness at all. Not to contradict you, because I do understand where you're coming from, but those who can actually say, yes I did detach and my life is back on track usually stop posting here after awhile, because they move on with their lives. Those of us who stay, like myself, can tell you that yes, the kids are always there, but what does change is US. We can learn to take care of US, to put ourselves first, to learn how to respond differently, to let go of allowing another's choices to dictate how we feel, to find some peace and some joy in the midst of 'what is.' It has everything to do with detaching and accepting the situation we are in. Not to condone the actions of our kids, but to learn to accept what the truth is. Not to fix it, throw money at it, enable it, rescue it, repair it, change it, control it, or in any way shift it, but to learn to use the tools and the resources to find our way through it and to find a different way to live. In my own case, it took a village to help me get off the crazy train and stop. But once I did, everything changed. For awhile, my daughter was the same, but I was different, I responded differently, I had learned how to let go and allow what was going to happen to happen without my interference. I stopped being dragged around by the choices of another. I just stopped. It took me two years with a lot of therapy, but I was determined to NOT have my life ruined by something or someone I had absolutely no control over. I wanted my life back and I became willing to do whatever it took to get it back. And I did. So can you. It takes a lot of work and a lot of help because it is like a runaway train that you have to stop and then start in another direction all on your own steam. It's not easy, but it is doable. Even with the circumstances you find yourself in. But it is YOU and your wife who will have to change. You can't wait around for your daughter to change because that ain't happening. YOU have to do it. But once you make that commitment, once you find your support system, once you begin to learn how to respond differently and gain some momentum, you will feel a WHOLE LOT BETTER. Get help. Get support. Don't try to do this alone because you will likely fail, it's too hard. Like I said, I needed a village and you know what, I got what I wanted and needed, I just had to look. I had to want it so bad I would do anything to get my life back. The alternative was just way too grim. I refused to accept that reality. Those who accept it end up living in it. I refused. I suggest you do that too. Refuse to live this way, Find your way out. Start right now. You have to have that kind of a commitment to your self and your life and make that the largest priority. Your happiness matters. You matter. Don't give up. Fight for the life you want. [/QUOTE]
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