If there is any chance at all for your daughter to grow into a contributing, healthy, functioning adult who takes responsibility for her life, in my opinion, in my experience and everything I've read and heard from all the experts I was privy to, said, YOU have to stop enabling her. YOU have to discontinue the milk train that your daughter had become accustomed to. She is a survivor, she survived all of those illnesses already. She is not a victim, don't treat her as one.
Yes, it is hard to overcome our instincts and particularly in the case of your daughter who has had fragile health. But you do her no favors by giving in to her now. She is where she is because she broke the law. She needs to see that and take that responsibility. It isn't about you and what you did or didn't do, she is doing what our kids do, trying every trick in the book to get you to cave so you will continue giving her what she wants, not what she needs. She needs to grow up. She knows every single button of yours to push, she's an expert at it, she knows how to hurt your heart so you will give her what she wants. She is likely brilliant. And, when the "if you really loved me" stuff stops, you may see a venom the likes of which you have never witnessed before. There are clear stages and predictable responses in our kids after we say no. It's almost scary how alike they all are.
My daughter's husband committed suicide. My daughter's in-laws blamed her for that. She was taken through hell and back. She has a mental illness of some kind. I thought for many years that all of those things added up to me taking care of her, me paying for everything, taking care of everything for her. That's what a good mother does. She is my only child. She treated me badly. She was entitled. She was selfish and self serving, manipulative, obnoxious and lazy. She did nothing for herself, she was parasitic with me and with others.
When I went through that program I told you about and first heard about detaching and beginning to let go and live MY life, I thought these people are out of their minds, I felt judgmental of them and in fact, righteous. I arrogantly thought who do they think they are anyway, they have no idea what love is, how a parent feels. But, I started to listen. I started to hear things I was surprised about, I started to see patterns in my relationship with my daughter. I began to see how I presumed a lot, how I thought I knew better then she did, how I stepped in. How many of the times I stepped in for ME so I didn't have to deal with the intense feelings of guilt and sorrow. It was an amazing journey. And, then I began letting go, setting strong boundaries, saying no and putting my focus on ME and taking it off of her. I didn't even think that was an option, that I could actually do that. But I did.
It began to change, then my daughter went to jail. It was a nightmare. But I didn't bail her out. She went back 3 more times, I never bailed her out. This last time seems to have made the difference. The judge told her one more time, you serve the whole sentence and probation is revoked. I said I was essentially DONE. Then she changed. No more loop holes, we closed them all up. No where to go, No one to help. It was about her all along, she was the only one who could make those changes. I couldn't do it. I couldn't fix her or control her or make her do anything. And, believe me, I tried.
I see this as an opportunity for all of you. And, it feels really bad for all of you. But if you can hold on, refrain from taking any action, live through the insults and manipulations and blame..............if it gets too much for you, don't go to the jail, don't take the calls. I did that too. She needs to sit and think about this. Not be pulled out of the consequences of her own choices.
Stay the course. Hold on.
