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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 632875" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I'm so glad you went to the meetings and found it a good experience. </p><p></p><p>Being a fixer as you put it has it's own qualities of addiction, it may help you to look at it like your own recovery from the drug of fixing......in the beginning our brains believe we need to 'fix' to help, to control, to enable, to rescue, it is extremely hard to not run for the drug of 'fixing.'</p><p></p><p>It helped me to see it that way too. I had an army of therapists it seems, coaching me along and giving me these tidbits of info which helped so much. Your brain has to recalibrate, out of the ordinary response to the stimulus of your perception of your daughter needing your help. I say perception because it is what has developed between you and she over decades.......she provides the need, you provide the solution. It's going to take time for you to move away from that. Both you and your daughter will have to redefine what it means for you to be her parent now, because it's all changed. You see more of the truth and it's almost impossible to go back to denying it.</p><p></p><p>We get cemented in to our roles, our expectations of ourself and cultural expectations of us, the all giving mother, the protector/provider father.............and we come to find out we have clay feet. What an insult to our beliefs about ourselves and the remarkable power we have to fix ANYTHING. I thought by my sheer force of will that I could do anything. Turns out I can't. And, I hadn't really noticed the toll it was taking on me over a long time........the exhaustion, the worry, the fear, the anxiety.......all born out of my own thinking that I could enact change in another, that I could make it happen, that I could control the outcome...........even though the person I was helping, had no desire to change.</p><p></p><p>So you and I are like heroin addicts...........there is going to be a withdrawal period and honestly, EOOR................it really sucks. It's really hard. You're describing what all of us who are practicing detachment go through, particularly in the beginning when it's all we can do to get through the day without collapsing from the profound devastation of it all.</p><p></p><p>Being angry is appropriate EOOR, of course you are angry. In fact, being angry is healthy. She stepped WAY, WAY over the line. The appropriate response to that is anger. And, realistically, you are likely bringing past angers you buried to the forefront now. The anger you likely felt a lot before but were operating out of what you thought you SHOULD be doing as a Dad. Well, here's my advice to you, throw those shoulds overboard right now and focus on what the truth is. Your daughter stole, broke the law, got arrested and is in jail. She already stole from you, but you posed no threat because you imposed no consequences so the ante got upped and now she is facing the result of her actions. As it should be. And you are angry, as you should be and should have been. Anger will clear your head, it'll be crummy ...........but it will help to heal you........and then underneath that will be the sorrow. There's a lot to deal with on this crazy journey.</p><p></p><p>Your wife is right. In the middle of all of this, you'll need to find some pleasure, some delight, some laughter and whimsy........the good stuff of life. </p><p></p><p>Have your feelings and then when possible, put them aside for a little while and enjoy life. </p><p></p><p>Yes, your plans got messed up for your future. So did mine. I put a lot of years into my granddaughter's life as my daughter roamed aimlessly around being a kind of a jerk........I was angry too. And then I got a lot of help. And, then I woke up and realized life was going by no matter what I was up to, I could suffer..........and I did.............or I could find ways to be okay...............and I did.............So can you, EOOR. It's going to take a little time. Make YOUR recovery the most important thing now............go to those groups.........go a lot. </p><p></p><p>And remember what Winston Churchill said............</p><p></p><p><em>"if you're going through hell, keep going."</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 632875, member: 13542"] I'm so glad you went to the meetings and found it a good experience. Being a fixer as you put it has it's own qualities of addiction, it may help you to look at it like your own recovery from the drug of fixing......in the beginning our brains believe we need to 'fix' to help, to control, to enable, to rescue, it is extremely hard to not run for the drug of 'fixing.' It helped me to see it that way too. I had an army of therapists it seems, coaching me along and giving me these tidbits of info which helped so much. Your brain has to recalibrate, out of the ordinary response to the stimulus of your perception of your daughter needing your help. I say perception because it is what has developed between you and she over decades.......she provides the need, you provide the solution. It's going to take time for you to move away from that. Both you and your daughter will have to redefine what it means for you to be her parent now, because it's all changed. You see more of the truth and it's almost impossible to go back to denying it. We get cemented in to our roles, our expectations of ourself and cultural expectations of us, the all giving mother, the protector/provider father.............and we come to find out we have clay feet. What an insult to our beliefs about ourselves and the remarkable power we have to fix ANYTHING. I thought by my sheer force of will that I could do anything. Turns out I can't. And, I hadn't really noticed the toll it was taking on me over a long time........the exhaustion, the worry, the fear, the anxiety.......all born out of my own thinking that I could enact change in another, that I could make it happen, that I could control the outcome...........even though the person I was helping, had no desire to change. So you and I are like heroin addicts...........there is going to be a withdrawal period and honestly, EOOR................it really sucks. It's really hard. You're describing what all of us who are practicing detachment go through, particularly in the beginning when it's all we can do to get through the day without collapsing from the profound devastation of it all. Being angry is appropriate EOOR, of course you are angry. In fact, being angry is healthy. She stepped WAY, WAY over the line. The appropriate response to that is anger. And, realistically, you are likely bringing past angers you buried to the forefront now. The anger you likely felt a lot before but were operating out of what you thought you SHOULD be doing as a Dad. Well, here's my advice to you, throw those shoulds overboard right now and focus on what the truth is. Your daughter stole, broke the law, got arrested and is in jail. She already stole from you, but you posed no threat because you imposed no consequences so the ante got upped and now she is facing the result of her actions. As it should be. And you are angry, as you should be and should have been. Anger will clear your head, it'll be crummy ...........but it will help to heal you........and then underneath that will be the sorrow. There's a lot to deal with on this crazy journey. Your wife is right. In the middle of all of this, you'll need to find some pleasure, some delight, some laughter and whimsy........the good stuff of life. Have your feelings and then when possible, put them aside for a little while and enjoy life. Yes, your plans got messed up for your future. So did mine. I put a lot of years into my granddaughter's life as my daughter roamed aimlessly around being a kind of a jerk........I was angry too. And then I got a lot of help. And, then I woke up and realized life was going by no matter what I was up to, I could suffer..........and I did.............or I could find ways to be okay...............and I did.............So can you, EOOR. It's going to take a little time. Make YOUR recovery the most important thing now............go to those groups.........go a lot. And remember what Winston Churchill said............ [I]"if you're going through hell, keep going."[/I] [/QUOTE]
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