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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 632937" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I had to smile EOOR, in keeping with my usual M.O., like yourself and many of us here, I just don't give up......you will have to throw me overboard with the shoulds I told you about............I'm not a quitter!!! (As evidenced by my 41 year old daughter having the longest childhood in history!!)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>We've <u>all</u> 'failed miserably'. Each of us, as Cedar described, diligently turning over every boulder, looking in every corner, being superman and superwoman..........except we didn't realize we were operating in a completely different universe where all the rules we knew didn't apply. </p><p></p><p>I too, like you and COM and Cedar and her husband, have a remarkable will, amazing tenacity, SUPER powers to move through every obstacle before me/us...........except this.............and therein lies some of the horror of it all, that we CAN'T FIX THIS. Our own sense of self is assaulted. Our belief that we can control our own kingdom........blown to smithereens. </p><p></p><p>That's why it helps to get support. It's not just about our kids. It's about us. And our inability to let go, to let go of control. The fear that can set in underneath that understanding is pretty profound...........this chaos and uncertainty puts us in the sphere of mere mortals who don't have any control over their lives. Well, you know what I've discovered EOOR?...........that control was an illusion. We never really had that control. We just thought we did. And this <em>illusionectomy</em> is amazingly painful and it takes us awhile to recoup.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I can identify strongly with that statement having felt all of that in the beginning myself. When we have been attached to our ability to control, the loss of that control leaves you feeling all of that..........the failure, doom and uncertainty..........we can't fix it, if we could, we would have. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there EOOR, it's a process, it takes time, it's an inch forward sometimes and then we fall into the abyss again. Man it's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I imagine, as a man, without the same cultural freedoms to cry, express and talk to your "girlfriends" about it, you may have a tendency to bottle this up. DON'T do that EOOR, that is not healthy, nor productive. Doing it here will help, but some kind of face time out there in the real world is going to help a lot more..........in Al Anon, or NAMI or in private therapy, whatever you choose, just use it to express what you're feeling............it's too much to bear alone..........it's staggering in it's intensity and magnitude, you MUST express that OUT of you. </p><p></p><p>If you can't find a convenient Al Anon meeting, you can go to a CoDa meeting, which is codependents anonymous. I went to those in the beginning. I drove 45 minutes sometimes to attend those meetings, some later in the night, I didn't care what I had to do, as long as I could be SOMEWHERE where SOMEONE understood or could listen, or I felt heard............it was almost desperate at times. There is also Families Anonymous and Narc Anon. Do whatever you have to do EOOR to take care of YOU. That will ease the pain a lot and in my opinion, shorten the process considerably. The more supportive environments you place yourself in, the better you will feel. And the sooner you will feel better. I am so glad you are seeking that out.</p><p></p><p>Even if you can just go out the front door and take a walk for over 11 minutes, that will shift your brain onto a new track. I hike <u>a lot</u>. Limit sugar and alcohol, eat well, get enough sleep, run, play tennis, get out in nature. Take care of<u> you</u>. It's been quite the lesson for me to take the focus off of my daughter and place it on myself.............we matter too EOOR, we matter too.</p><p></p><p>I'm here for you EOOR, you're not alone, COM, Cedar, MWM, Janet, the whole gang is here for you..........we know what this is like, we're living it too...........we're an odd tribe of ex enablers, old control junkies, multi tasking academy award winning fixers and wounded and exhausted warriors, just trying to love our troubled kids............and let them go into their own destiny, without us holding them up anymore............it's a helluva ride we didn't choose to get on, but here we are.................all we can do is learn to accept it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 632937, member: 13542"] I had to smile EOOR, in keeping with my usual M.O., like yourself and many of us here, I just don't give up......you will have to throw me overboard with the shoulds I told you about............I'm not a quitter!!! (As evidenced by my 41 year old daughter having the longest childhood in history!!) We've [U]all[/U] 'failed miserably'. Each of us, as Cedar described, diligently turning over every boulder, looking in every corner, being superman and superwoman..........except we didn't realize we were operating in a completely different universe where all the rules we knew didn't apply. I too, like you and COM and Cedar and her husband, have a remarkable will, amazing tenacity, SUPER powers to move through every obstacle before me/us...........except this.............and therein lies some of the horror of it all, that we CAN'T FIX THIS. Our own sense of self is assaulted. Our belief that we can control our own kingdom........blown to smithereens. That's why it helps to get support. It's not just about our kids. It's about us. And our inability to let go, to let go of control. The fear that can set in underneath that understanding is pretty profound...........this chaos and uncertainty puts us in the sphere of mere mortals who don't have any control over their lives. Well, you know what I've discovered EOOR?...........that control was an illusion. We never really had that control. We just thought we did. And this [I]illusionectomy[/I] is amazingly painful and it takes us awhile to recoup. I can identify strongly with that statement having felt all of that in the beginning myself. When we have been attached to our ability to control, the loss of that control leaves you feeling all of that..........the failure, doom and uncertainty..........we can't fix it, if we could, we would have. Hang in there EOOR, it's a process, it takes time, it's an inch forward sometimes and then we fall into the abyss again. Man it's hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I imagine, as a man, without the same cultural freedoms to cry, express and talk to your "girlfriends" about it, you may have a tendency to bottle this up. DON'T do that EOOR, that is not healthy, nor productive. Doing it here will help, but some kind of face time out there in the real world is going to help a lot more..........in Al Anon, or NAMI or in private therapy, whatever you choose, just use it to express what you're feeling............it's too much to bear alone..........it's staggering in it's intensity and magnitude, you MUST express that OUT of you. If you can't find a convenient Al Anon meeting, you can go to a CoDa meeting, which is codependents anonymous. I went to those in the beginning. I drove 45 minutes sometimes to attend those meetings, some later in the night, I didn't care what I had to do, as long as I could be SOMEWHERE where SOMEONE understood or could listen, or I felt heard............it was almost desperate at times. There is also Families Anonymous and Narc Anon. Do whatever you have to do EOOR to take care of YOU. That will ease the pain a lot and in my opinion, shorten the process considerably. The more supportive environments you place yourself in, the better you will feel. And the sooner you will feel better. I am so glad you are seeking that out. Even if you can just go out the front door and take a walk for over 11 minutes, that will shift your brain onto a new track. I hike [U]a lot[/U]. Limit sugar and alcohol, eat well, get enough sleep, run, play tennis, get out in nature. Take care of[U] you[/U]. It's been quite the lesson for me to take the focus off of my daughter and place it on myself.............we matter too EOOR, we matter too. I'm here for you EOOR, you're not alone, COM, Cedar, MWM, Janet, the whole gang is here for you..........we know what this is like, we're living it too...........we're an odd tribe of ex enablers, old control junkies, multi tasking academy award winning fixers and wounded and exhausted warriors, just trying to love our troubled kids............and let them go into their own destiny, without us holding them up anymore............it's a helluva ride we didn't choose to get on, but here we are.................all we can do is learn to accept it. [/QUOTE]
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