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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 638667" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I'm here EOOR! Just checked and there you were.........</p><p></p><p>Gee, I'm sorry you're having a hard time.....</p><p></p><p>Well, I see your point. </p><p></p><p>But, here's another curve ball..........a hundred years ago in one of my many therapy sessions the therapist told me this, "when you only see two choices in any situation, you are not seeing the whole picture, you're stuck in an either/or mess where your mind can't grasp a way out." </p><p></p><p>I think sometimes those kinds of statements, about being right or being happy, although truthful in some measure, are simplistic and don't allow for all of our feelings and reduce a complex situation in to a sound bite. I don't believe it's either/or in the way you're perceiving it. I think the main crux of the issue for us parents is that we have to come to the enormous realization that we cannot control the choices of our kids. We have to let go. Whether we are happy about that or not is not relevant now, whether we are right is not relevant, what is relevant is the understanding that we have to let go. </p><p></p><p>I don't believe your values have to be compromised either. When you cannot help someone, when that someone is not willing to help themselves, the loving thing to do is to let go and allow that person to face the consequences of their choices. </p><p></p><p>It sounds more to me like you are not interpreting the words and phrases the same way your wife is. Our perceptions of what is right and wrong, our definitions of words and our beliefs about values, about what is right and what is wrong is all based on our experience and our background.............in an intense drama such as you are involved, all of those perceptions and definitions and beliefs come flying out of their dormancy and wreck havoc. What may be prudent is for you and your wife to find someone to mediate, to be able to help the two of you really be able to see and hear what the other is saying so that you can again form a united front where your daughter is concerned. Don't allow your marriage to be yet another casualty of your daughter's dramas. </p><p></p><p>This stuff is so hard EOOR. It blows up all of our perceptions of parenting, of right and wrong, of everything you are talking about. But we can survive this, we can move beyond it. Go take your drive, I must have driven thousands of miles while my daughter was in the worst place, blow out the thoughts in your mind, get out of Dodge.......seek clarity. </p><p></p><p>We're all still here if you need to vent. I'm sorry EOOR, I really do know how incredibly hard this is. Hang in there......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 638667, member: 13542"] I'm here EOOR! Just checked and there you were......... Gee, I'm sorry you're having a hard time..... Well, I see your point. But, here's another curve ball..........a hundred years ago in one of my many therapy sessions the therapist told me this, "when you only see two choices in any situation, you are not seeing the whole picture, you're stuck in an either/or mess where your mind can't grasp a way out." I think sometimes those kinds of statements, about being right or being happy, although truthful in some measure, are simplistic and don't allow for all of our feelings and reduce a complex situation in to a sound bite. I don't believe it's either/or in the way you're perceiving it. I think the main crux of the issue for us parents is that we have to come to the enormous realization that we cannot control the choices of our kids. We have to let go. Whether we are happy about that or not is not relevant now, whether we are right is not relevant, what is relevant is the understanding that we have to let go. I don't believe your values have to be compromised either. When you cannot help someone, when that someone is not willing to help themselves, the loving thing to do is to let go and allow that person to face the consequences of their choices. It sounds more to me like you are not interpreting the words and phrases the same way your wife is. Our perceptions of what is right and wrong, our definitions of words and our beliefs about values, about what is right and what is wrong is all based on our experience and our background.............in an intense drama such as you are involved, all of those perceptions and definitions and beliefs come flying out of their dormancy and wreck havoc. What may be prudent is for you and your wife to find someone to mediate, to be able to help the two of you really be able to see and hear what the other is saying so that you can again form a united front where your daughter is concerned. Don't allow your marriage to be yet another casualty of your daughter's dramas. This stuff is so hard EOOR. It blows up all of our perceptions of parenting, of right and wrong, of everything you are talking about. But we can survive this, we can move beyond it. Go take your drive, I must have driven thousands of miles while my daughter was in the worst place, blow out the thoughts in your mind, get out of Dodge.......seek clarity. We're all still here if you need to vent. I'm sorry EOOR, I really do know how incredibly hard this is. Hang in there...... [/QUOTE]
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