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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 643011" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I am so sorry you are suffering. It is hard, I know. We all know here.</p><p></p><p>However, regarding your marriage AND the extreme of your angst. Most of us did not stay together 38 years then divorce. You are unique in this.</p><p></p><p>You are not struggling only because of your difficult child. Nobody else can control us, not even our children. You and your wife are allowing your difficult child to disrupt your marriage. Some marriages grow closer in crisis. It is personal choices. You two can decide to compromise and not let your marriage fail or you can continue to disagee without compromise and your marriage can fail. Either way it is not because of your difficult child. It is because you are deciding your difficult child is worth fighting over so badly that your marriage can tank after all those years. Your difficult child has NO control over you. You have 100% control over you, but nobody else and nobody has control over you unless you allow it, which is within your control (I know that sounds a bit confusing). Got much of that from Al-Anon. You are still trying to control your grown child and her choices and that is why she is such a huge part of your life. It is not necessary. Many of us let go of grown children and let them write their own story, whatever it is. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HER ONE BIT. YOU CAN NOT FIX HER!!!! ONLY SHE CAN FIX HERSELF.</p><p></p><p>Can you make her leave perhaps yet keep tabs on the grands?</p><p></p><p>By allowing difficult child to live with you, you are creating the drama you live with. She isn't allowing herself to live there. You are. By your own admission you give her help because of the grandkids. I am not judging. I am simply saying that there are some who will NOT help, regardless, and some who will fight their grown Peter Pans for custody of their children. Your daughter obviously is a bad influence on her kids and she probably takes them places you don't know about that you don't even WANT to know about and they are still living with her dysfunction.</p><p></p><p>All of that is because you allow her to. Again, not saying it is right or wrong to let her live there. Some of us do. Some of us don't. It is a far more peaceful life for us if they are not there. We have some parents with custody of grands. I've been on this board a long time and have read a lot of very sad stories.</p><p></p><p>At some time, you will either have to choose to have a good life in spite of your daughter or devote your entire life to the angst she causes you. You can have a dysfunctional adult child and have a great life in spite of that, although sorrow and love will always touch your heart. But many of us are doing it. How? You need to think good and hard and go for professional help and although Al-Anon is great, I never heard of a group that stops at Step 3. I would find a group that completes it. JMO. And I'd find myself and wife a good marital counselor so both of you can get on the same page with difficult child. You may not like what the counselor tells you, but he or she is an uninvolved, unemotional outsider who can see more clearly what is going on in your marriage and in your life and she probably has ideas for your grandkids that you never thought about.</p><p></p><p>Your 28 year old easy child is proably lacking in family attention because she is living life the right day and doing the right things. It happens all the time. But is it fair? This isn't a question you should answer here. It's just fodder for thought.</p><p></p><p>Unless you and your wife or just one of your CHANGE how you react to your difficult child in some profound way, she will not have any motivation to change or grow up or take any responsibility for herself. What is going on is not working. She is approaching middle age and still can't live on her own or care for her kids. That's shameful. Trust me, I have a 37 year old baby son. The only thing I can say about him is althoughe is an emotional child, he does work and take care of himself and his own child. But we would never give him money or help him out if he didn't, child or no child. We'd probably fight for custody.</p><p></p><p>What about the grandkid's father? Is he in the picture? Do you think your daughter is done making babies?</p><p></p><p>Lots to think about. No easy answers. Nothing is right or wrong. It is really in your hands...if you feel your marriage is worth saving, difficult child or not, and if you and your wife are happy or feel obligated to do the things you are doing now. You have many options, including keeping things status quo.</p><p></p><p>I hope things calm down for a while at least and that next year is a better year for your family <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 643011, member: 1550"] I am so sorry you are suffering. It is hard, I know. We all know here. However, regarding your marriage AND the extreme of your angst. Most of us did not stay together 38 years then divorce. You are unique in this. You are not struggling only because of your difficult child. Nobody else can control us, not even our children. You and your wife are allowing your difficult child to disrupt your marriage. Some marriages grow closer in crisis. It is personal choices. You two can decide to compromise and not let your marriage fail or you can continue to disagee without compromise and your marriage can fail. Either way it is not because of your difficult child. It is because you are deciding your difficult child is worth fighting over so badly that your marriage can tank after all those years. Your difficult child has NO control over you. You have 100% control over you, but nobody else and nobody has control over you unless you allow it, which is within your control (I know that sounds a bit confusing). Got much of that from Al-Anon. You are still trying to control your grown child and her choices and that is why she is such a huge part of your life. It is not necessary. Many of us let go of grown children and let them write their own story, whatever it is. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HER ONE BIT. YOU CAN NOT FIX HER!!!! ONLY SHE CAN FIX HERSELF. Can you make her leave perhaps yet keep tabs on the grands? By allowing difficult child to live with you, you are creating the drama you live with. She isn't allowing herself to live there. You are. By your own admission you give her help because of the grandkids. I am not judging. I am simply saying that there are some who will NOT help, regardless, and some who will fight their grown Peter Pans for custody of their children. Your daughter obviously is a bad influence on her kids and she probably takes them places you don't know about that you don't even WANT to know about and they are still living with her dysfunction. All of that is because you allow her to. Again, not saying it is right or wrong to let her live there. Some of us do. Some of us don't. It is a far more peaceful life for us if they are not there. We have some parents with custody of grands. I've been on this board a long time and have read a lot of very sad stories. At some time, you will either have to choose to have a good life in spite of your daughter or devote your entire life to the angst she causes you. You can have a dysfunctional adult child and have a great life in spite of that, although sorrow and love will always touch your heart. But many of us are doing it. How? You need to think good and hard and go for professional help and although Al-Anon is great, I never heard of a group that stops at Step 3. I would find a group that completes it. JMO. And I'd find myself and wife a good marital counselor so both of you can get on the same page with difficult child. You may not like what the counselor tells you, but he or she is an uninvolved, unemotional outsider who can see more clearly what is going on in your marriage and in your life and she probably has ideas for your grandkids that you never thought about. Your 28 year old easy child is proably lacking in family attention because she is living life the right day and doing the right things. It happens all the time. But is it fair? This isn't a question you should answer here. It's just fodder for thought. Unless you and your wife or just one of your CHANGE how you react to your difficult child in some profound way, she will not have any motivation to change or grow up or take any responsibility for herself. What is going on is not working. She is approaching middle age and still can't live on her own or care for her kids. That's shameful. Trust me, I have a 37 year old baby son. The only thing I can say about him is althoughe is an emotional child, he does work and take care of himself and his own child. But we would never give him money or help him out if he didn't, child or no child. We'd probably fight for custody. What about the grandkid's father? Is he in the picture? Do you think your daughter is done making babies? Lots to think about. No easy answers. Nothing is right or wrong. It is really in your hands...if you feel your marriage is worth saving, difficult child or not, and if you and your wife are happy or feel obligated to do the things you are doing now. You have many options, including keeping things status quo. I hope things calm down for a while at least and that next year is a better year for your family :) [/QUOTE]
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