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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 643023" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi EOOR, I am glad you are here with us. I understand and empathize with your horrible dilemma. What to do?</p><p></p><p>I believe you have made tremendous progress since you started posting here. The simple fact of your connection with Al-Anon is a sea change. Hearing and seeing and experiencing a new way of thinking and acting has an influence on you and your wife both. I hope you will continue going because there are many layers of the process of freeing ourselves of the desire to control people, places and things. Every time I go I hear in a new way. </p><p></p><p>Second, your daughter's situation is bound to change. I read that you said she hasn't gotten into trouble again in the past months. However, if she is an addict, as you know, it is a progressive disease. It gets worse. Something is bound to happen---a break in the status quo---even if you don't do anything different.</p><p></p><p>I have a lot of family in Oklahoma and I know their laws are...er...antiquated?...like in many other states. It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place legally in terms of the grandchildren. I can't know what i would do in your situation but I am sure you love your grandchildren---innocent in all of this---beyond measure and that complicates anything you consider doing in terms of setting physical boundaries with your daughter.</p><p></p><p>I think you have gotten good advice here all the way around. Continue to work on yourself, see what can be done to gain custody, if that is your wish, work on your marriage---please don't also let that be a casualty of this disease. I am sure you and your wife love each other very much and are committed to your family, and I also know that the pressure on the family that comes with this disease is tremendous. It takes so much patience to stay the course. And when it's right in your face, it's really hard.</p><p></p><p>You talk about many who are separated and divorced in Al-Anon and here. I am divorced too. I am divorced, after a 29-year marriage, because my ex-husband---father of my two sons, was an active high functioning alcoholic. His disease progressed toward the end of our marriage, as it always does, and his disease was exposed to all. Having no recovery myself and no knowledge of alcoholism and drug abuse as a primary diagnosis and mental illness, I was up in his face demanding that he stop drinking now and change his ways. Little did I know...</p><p></p><p>I began going to Al-Anon---it was a life preserver for me---and started "getting it" but stopped after 18 months when we separated. He stopped drinking, went to an intensive outpatient program (IOP) and AA seven nights a week but nothing seemed to change between us. I stayed with him a year after he stopped drinking and then I was just...done. I was so done. I am sorry I couldn't wait longer for him to mature in his recovery but it was over. That is my story of divorce. My son's drug addiction didn't surface until 5 years ago---about two years after my divorce. I knew right where to go---and I ran back to Al-Anon as fast as I could get there. This time I was ready to truly work the program and I have. I have changed and I have learned so much about acceptance. I have not forgotten the things that have happened with my ex-husband and my son but I have forgiven them. I know today that their illness has been in charge most of their lives. They are sick and always will be, with this disease, but they can recover from it, if they work every single day to do so.</p><p></p><p>I don't know, there is no easy course here. It is about us accepting the reality that is right in front of us and somehow learning to live with it. It isn't at all what we ever thought or hoped for. It just is, and it is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow.</p><p></p><p>Warm hugs to you tonight. Please keep coming back. We care about you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 643023, member: 17542"] Hi EOOR, I am glad you are here with us. I understand and empathize with your horrible dilemma. What to do? I believe you have made tremendous progress since you started posting here. The simple fact of your connection with Al-Anon is a sea change. Hearing and seeing and experiencing a new way of thinking and acting has an influence on you and your wife both. I hope you will continue going because there are many layers of the process of freeing ourselves of the desire to control people, places and things. Every time I go I hear in a new way. Second, your daughter's situation is bound to change. I read that you said she hasn't gotten into trouble again in the past months. However, if she is an addict, as you know, it is a progressive disease. It gets worse. Something is bound to happen---a break in the status quo---even if you don't do anything different. I have a lot of family in Oklahoma and I know their laws are...er...antiquated?...like in many other states. It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place legally in terms of the grandchildren. I can't know what i would do in your situation but I am sure you love your grandchildren---innocent in all of this---beyond measure and that complicates anything you consider doing in terms of setting physical boundaries with your daughter. I think you have gotten good advice here all the way around. Continue to work on yourself, see what can be done to gain custody, if that is your wish, work on your marriage---please don't also let that be a casualty of this disease. I am sure you and your wife love each other very much and are committed to your family, and I also know that the pressure on the family that comes with this disease is tremendous. It takes so much patience to stay the course. And when it's right in your face, it's really hard. You talk about many who are separated and divorced in Al-Anon and here. I am divorced too. I am divorced, after a 29-year marriage, because my ex-husband---father of my two sons, was an active high functioning alcoholic. His disease progressed toward the end of our marriage, as it always does, and his disease was exposed to all. Having no recovery myself and no knowledge of alcoholism and drug abuse as a primary diagnosis and mental illness, I was up in his face demanding that he stop drinking now and change his ways. Little did I know... I began going to Al-Anon---it was a life preserver for me---and started "getting it" but stopped after 18 months when we separated. He stopped drinking, went to an intensive outpatient program (IOP) and AA seven nights a week but nothing seemed to change between us. I stayed with him a year after he stopped drinking and then I was just...done. I was so done. I am sorry I couldn't wait longer for him to mature in his recovery but it was over. That is my story of divorce. My son's drug addiction didn't surface until 5 years ago---about two years after my divorce. I knew right where to go---and I ran back to Al-Anon as fast as I could get there. This time I was ready to truly work the program and I have. I have changed and I have learned so much about acceptance. I have not forgotten the things that have happened with my ex-husband and my son but I have forgiven them. I know today that their illness has been in charge most of their lives. They are sick and always will be, with this disease, but they can recover from it, if they work every single day to do so. I don't know, there is no easy course here. It is about us accepting the reality that is right in front of us and somehow learning to live with it. It isn't at all what we ever thought or hoped for. It just is, and it is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. Warm hugs to you tonight. Please keep coming back. We care about you. [/QUOTE]
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