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How to detach when grandkids are involved.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 643076" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh boy, losing your parents on top of now going for guardianship and a difficult child daughter.......yikes. That is SO much to deal with EOOR, no wonder you are feeling so desperate. I am so glad you are seeking professional help, keep trying, you'll find someone or someplace to go. Have you tried NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)? They have great courses for us parents with our troubled kids. They might have some roster of therapists who can help you.</p><p></p><p>I understand how it all hits at once. I took my granddaughter when she was 11, went to court and fought my only daughter for her only daughter. I got permanent guardianship easily and without an attorney, I did it myself. At the same time,my husband at the time did not want to raise any more children and left me. So in one fell swoop, I gained a child and lost a husband. I was completely bereft and having to deal with a child who was now acting out about her own circumstances while my daughter was hating me for what I had done. I didn't think I was going to make it through that time. I was desperate too. I cried all the time.</p><p></p><p>It was a devastating time. And YET, I sought out help and I developed a big willingness to change as you are doing. And, over time, everything in my life changed. Fast forward 7 years, my granddaughter is a healthy young woman in her first year of college.......I am married to the love of my life, my daughter and I are developing a healthy relationship and life in general is really good now........it was work EOOR, I won't lie to you, it forced me to change in many ways, those control issues had to go, I had to take a look at ME and make choices to shift some things about myself in order to move in to a different zone where I could find some peace. That was my goal, to find peace of mind amidst the chaos of life. I did whatever it took for me to find a different way of being in the world, one in which I could let go of the tight grasp I had on everything. It began with my daughter and ended up with me. I was the one who did all the changing. Like that Bob Marley quote, "you don't know how strong you are until your only choice is to be strong."</p><p></p><p>I read some books like Man's Search for Meaning by Vicktor Frankel and Night by Elie Wiesel, both Concentration camp survivors, both men went through circumstances which were a living nightmare and came out having found some meaning. Those books gave me a compass. A glimpse in to how the human spirit can rise above the most devastating circumstances. I looked for those compasses everywhere, maps where humans had overcome obstacles and found their way out.</p><p></p><p>Like you, I am a problem solver. This is going to be the greatest problem you ever solved EOOR, your own self and how to get to the other side of this issue you find yourself enmeshed in. You've taken steps already, the decision to gain guardianship is a big one, once the decision is made, all the angst of what to do will diminish, you have now decided to raise the kids. I did that too, there was no other choice to keep my granddaughter safe and I believe it was the right choice.</p><p></p><p>In our professional lives we've had to be a certain way to gain success......and now at our age, we have to put aside what we learned to do and discover a different way. It can feel like a death. And, it is. It can feel like too tall an order to shift that whole 'out in the world persona' and give up all that control.......yikes, it can feel so weird........but life is different now, it requires a different skill set, one we may not have learned out there in the business world.</p><p></p><p>You have a lot of grief. The loss of your parents and the loss of retirement in the fashion you believed would happen. Now you're parenting again. There is grief in the loss of the dreams you had for your daughter and grief in the loss of the way you have to let go of parenting her now. You have been her caregiver, now it's time to let go of that role. Those are a lot of endings EOOR, in addition to having to take action now in regard to the guardianship, you have to take care of the children, find ways to reconnect with your wife and figure out how to detach emotionally and physically from your daughter. Whew.</p><p></p><p>A good therapist can help guide you through this maze. Help you to be able to express all of the feelings that go along with it. Help you make a plan of action. Going for guardianship is a huge step and I believe it is the appropriate choice. And, it is a hard one. One in which parts of your life will change dramatically and where you will have to let go of your own dreams to some extent. Geez EOOR, you have so much on your plate.</p><p></p><p>Get help. Make a plan. Find ways to reconnect with your wife. As I mentioned to you before, in the thick of it, my husband and I would take off every Saturday for a drive to the ocean, to the woods, to the city for the day. A day where we were not embroiled in parenting or worrying or figuring stuff out about my daughter. I so looked forward to those trips. We still do it too. Find a way where you can leave the "stuff," the kids, the worry, at home and have a day where you remember who you are and why you are together.</p><p></p><p>You and I have a lot in common. I very much relate to your story. And, really, EOOR, if I can make it through this crazy story, so can you. You've made great progress in choosing to go for guardianship and choosing to detach from your daughter. You're doing all the right things.............and I know it still feels like crap. It will for awhile, until you get your new sea legs in this stormy sea. </p><p></p><p>We're here EOOR. Anytime you want to talk. Hang in there, it WILL change.......stay the course......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 643076, member: 13542"] Oh boy, losing your parents on top of now going for guardianship and a difficult child daughter.......yikes. That is SO much to deal with EOOR, no wonder you are feeling so desperate. I am so glad you are seeking professional help, keep trying, you'll find someone or someplace to go. Have you tried NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)? They have great courses for us parents with our troubled kids. They might have some roster of therapists who can help you. I understand how it all hits at once. I took my granddaughter when she was 11, went to court and fought my only daughter for her only daughter. I got permanent guardianship easily and without an attorney, I did it myself. At the same time,my husband at the time did not want to raise any more children and left me. So in one fell swoop, I gained a child and lost a husband. I was completely bereft and having to deal with a child who was now acting out about her own circumstances while my daughter was hating me for what I had done. I didn't think I was going to make it through that time. I was desperate too. I cried all the time. It was a devastating time. And YET, I sought out help and I developed a big willingness to change as you are doing. And, over time, everything in my life changed. Fast forward 7 years, my granddaughter is a healthy young woman in her first year of college.......I am married to the love of my life, my daughter and I are developing a healthy relationship and life in general is really good now........it was work EOOR, I won't lie to you, it forced me to change in many ways, those control issues had to go, I had to take a look at ME and make choices to shift some things about myself in order to move in to a different zone where I could find some peace. That was my goal, to find peace of mind amidst the chaos of life. I did whatever it took for me to find a different way of being in the world, one in which I could let go of the tight grasp I had on everything. It began with my daughter and ended up with me. I was the one who did all the changing. Like that Bob Marley quote, "you don't know how strong you are until your only choice is to be strong." I read some books like Man's Search for Meaning by Vicktor Frankel and Night by Elie Wiesel, both Concentration camp survivors, both men went through circumstances which were a living nightmare and came out having found some meaning. Those books gave me a compass. A glimpse in to how the human spirit can rise above the most devastating circumstances. I looked for those compasses everywhere, maps where humans had overcome obstacles and found their way out. Like you, I am a problem solver. This is going to be the greatest problem you ever solved EOOR, your own self and how to get to the other side of this issue you find yourself enmeshed in. You've taken steps already, the decision to gain guardianship is a big one, once the decision is made, all the angst of what to do will diminish, you have now decided to raise the kids. I did that too, there was no other choice to keep my granddaughter safe and I believe it was the right choice. In our professional lives we've had to be a certain way to gain success......and now at our age, we have to put aside what we learned to do and discover a different way. It can feel like a death. And, it is. It can feel like too tall an order to shift that whole 'out in the world persona' and give up all that control.......yikes, it can feel so weird........but life is different now, it requires a different skill set, one we may not have learned out there in the business world. You have a lot of grief. The loss of your parents and the loss of retirement in the fashion you believed would happen. Now you're parenting again. There is grief in the loss of the dreams you had for your daughter and grief in the loss of the way you have to let go of parenting her now. You have been her caregiver, now it's time to let go of that role. Those are a lot of endings EOOR, in addition to having to take action now in regard to the guardianship, you have to take care of the children, find ways to reconnect with your wife and figure out how to detach emotionally and physically from your daughter. Whew. A good therapist can help guide you through this maze. Help you to be able to express all of the feelings that go along with it. Help you make a plan of action. Going for guardianship is a huge step and I believe it is the appropriate choice. And, it is a hard one. One in which parts of your life will change dramatically and where you will have to let go of your own dreams to some extent. Geez EOOR, you have so much on your plate. Get help. Make a plan. Find ways to reconnect with your wife. As I mentioned to you before, in the thick of it, my husband and I would take off every Saturday for a drive to the ocean, to the woods, to the city for the day. A day where we were not embroiled in parenting or worrying or figuring stuff out about my daughter. I so looked forward to those trips. We still do it too. Find a way where you can leave the "stuff," the kids, the worry, at home and have a day where you remember who you are and why you are together. You and I have a lot in common. I very much relate to your story. And, really, EOOR, if I can make it through this crazy story, so can you. You've made great progress in choosing to go for guardianship and choosing to detach from your daughter. You're doing all the right things.............and I know it still feels like crap. It will for awhile, until you get your new sea legs in this stormy sea. We're here EOOR. Anytime you want to talk. Hang in there, it WILL change.......stay the course...... [/QUOTE]
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