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How to even talk on the phone with my son....
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 657584" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>"...my son mocked." "...he taunted."</p><p></p><p>Your child betrayed your trust in him, Copa. </p><p></p><p>This will, and was designed to, hurt you on many levels. In some corner of your heart, you cannot even believe he really did this. So, if you were me, I would be having an underground battle somewhere I can't see it about whether this child you love is even the same person you believed him to be at all. And the other corner of your heart is staunchly defending him, and attacking you on about three levels. The level of the mother heart where we love our boys no matter what is having at you; the level of the core of you where the initial abuse occurred is whisper-hissing that there must be a connection between your father's initial betrayal and this betrayal, and you are experiencing Post Traumatic flashback to the original trauma so intense that your psyche is on overload, running through every defense in its arsenal to protect you. (I think I heard that in where you froze around the issue of the male voice.)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Right there. That is where I heard you freeze.</p><p></p><p>Plus, you are already vulnerable because the situation is unbalanced with your son, and you love him and he is in trouble and you are not sure this is the best way to proceed. </p><p></p><p>You have a right to be angry Copa, and you should be. When we are coping with abusive people from our broken core selves, sad is the only emotion we allow ourselves ~ but we have to abolish our "selves" to do it.</p><p></p><p>That is true, for me.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I'm sorry, Copa, but I think he wanted to assess the situation relative to showering at your house and never leaving. It comforts me, once I am calm enough to receive it, to remember that it is not the child who is bad or wrong. It is not me. It is the addiction or the illness. That is the bad or wrong thing. That is where I can step out of the circle. Nothing to fear; nothing to protect. It is what it is.</p><p></p><p>That helps me, Copa. Also slow, deep breaths. Slow deep breathing switches our bodies' responses from "flight or fight" to "rest or digest". Our brains do not know about time. Everything is happening now. Our breathing will help our brains to know we are fine. So you will be able to center.</p><p></p><p>And then, you will be able to think clearly again.</p><p></p><p>This is FOG, Copa.</p><p></p><p>That's only the FOG. It will pass.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 657584, member: 17461"] "...my son mocked." "...he taunted." Your child betrayed your trust in him, Copa. This will, and was designed to, hurt you on many levels. In some corner of your heart, you cannot even believe he really did this. So, if you were me, I would be having an underground battle somewhere I can't see it about whether this child you love is even the same person you believed him to be at all. And the other corner of your heart is staunchly defending him, and attacking you on about three levels. The level of the mother heart where we love our boys no matter what is having at you; the level of the core of you where the initial abuse occurred is whisper-hissing that there must be a connection between your father's initial betrayal and this betrayal, and you are experiencing Post Traumatic flashback to the original trauma so intense that your psyche is on overload, running through every defense in its arsenal to protect you. (I think I heard that in where you froze around the issue of the male voice.) Right there. That is where I heard you freeze. Plus, you are already vulnerable because the situation is unbalanced with your son, and you love him and he is in trouble and you are not sure this is the best way to proceed. You have a right to be angry Copa, and you should be. When we are coping with abusive people from our broken core selves, sad is the only emotion we allow ourselves ~ but we have to abolish our "selves" to do it. That is true, for me. I'm sorry, Copa, but I think he wanted to assess the situation relative to showering at your house and never leaving. It comforts me, once I am calm enough to receive it, to remember that it is not the child who is bad or wrong. It is not me. It is the addiction or the illness. That is the bad or wrong thing. That is where I can step out of the circle. Nothing to fear; nothing to protect. It is what it is. That helps me, Copa. Also slow, deep breaths. Slow deep breathing switches our bodies' responses from "flight or fight" to "rest or digest". Our brains do not know about time. Everything is happening now. Our breathing will help our brains to know we are fine. So you will be able to center. And then, you will be able to think clearly again. This is FOG, Copa. That's only the FOG. It will pass. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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