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How to even talk on the phone with my son....
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 658026" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Copa, we can't know the answers to the questions that come in the dark night of the soul. </p><p></p><p>I call it the "Parade of the Terribles", the endless circular questions and longings and thinking that comes in the middle of the night about our DCs.</p><p></p><p>I am a thinker. I can think and think and think. I have often been accused of "overthinking" things, many times, throughout my life, and finally, I am starting to be a little freer from that. From whence it comes? I don't know. It is both a blessing and a curse.</p><p></p><p>I used to read and think and ask and call and study and research endlessly about my son. If only....</p><p></p><p>The mental illness---not addiction but something "else", a brain thing, a biochemical dysfunction, schizophrenia, bipolar, severe depression, whatever it might be, that confounded me the most. If this, then that? If he can't function, then what is my responsibility as his mother? On and on and on. It was never ending and it was incredibly painful and that kind of thinking kept me locked in a prison of my own making and my own mind. How much is truth? How much is him? How much is other people? Where do I fit into all of this, his fiercest advocate, his own mother?</p><p></p><p>It's enough to drive a person completely crazy.</p><p></p><p>The day I truly heard this...it was a gift...such a gift...to learn that until his drug use (alcohol and abuse of any type of substance) was stopped and he got into treatment, which is way beyond the physical side of it all, to include the mental, emotional, spiritual, etc., there was no way to know any of the above. </p><p></p><p>No way at all. In fact, I was told by the best professionals, often the other "stuff" completely disappears once they are free from substance abuse. All of the behaviors and bad thinking just...stops. </p><p></p><p>I had to be told this over and over again by multiple professionals before I would believe it, and then before I could hear it, and truly take it in, and allow my own self to be changed by this brand new information.</p><p></p><p>Now, I realize that many of us on this forum had diagnosis for our DCs well before the substance abuse began, and I can understand that this continues to confound us. </p><p></p><p>My own son was never diagnosed with anything before his drug use and alcohol use began, but I can see, looking back, that he at least had some degree of anxiety that I can identify, from very early on. However, he was functional and did well in school and had friends and really had few behavior issues (precocious redhead and very energetic little boy notwithstanding) before 7th grade. You would have said, well, he's just shy and a mama's boy and has lots of energy. All that was true. </p><p></p><p>For me...for me...unhooking from the endless thinking about what if was an important step on my journey. It went hand in hand, for me, with realizing I can't fix things for people. I can't fix the world. I can't fix my son. I can't fix the mental health system, the government, the police, the courts, the whatever. I can't fix anything really, except myself, and wow, isn't that a JOB? A full time job. </p><p></p><p>I had to release my son. Release him to the universe. To God. To my Higher Power. To the world. Was it painful? Yes it was terribly painful. And hard to do, and I backslid a lot. I had to simply face that he was a grown man and as much as I love him, I can't BE HIM and I can't do every single thing for him that is necessary for him to live a "normal life." I wish I could, but I can't. </p><p></p><p>That doesn't mean I don't love him, that I didn't have a lot of contact with him, because I did, even though it all, but I had to start thinking about myself more and what I could "take" and setting more and more boundaries for myself with him. </p><p></p><p>It is such a process and in my situation, I couldn't do anything else in order to save my own life. That's what it came down to, and I want to live. I want to live a great life, even if, even if, and I will say this outright, even if he can't. </p><p></p><p>I had to sort through all of this stuff I am writing about here, and much more, to get here. I am still sorting. I will always be sorting. I don't believe any of us are really different here, about all of this. </p><p></p><p>There has to be comfort there, knowing we, many of us, most of us, feel the same.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 658026, member: 17542"] Copa, we can't know the answers to the questions that come in the dark night of the soul. I call it the "Parade of the Terribles", the endless circular questions and longings and thinking that comes in the middle of the night about our DCs. I am a thinker. I can think and think and think. I have often been accused of "overthinking" things, many times, throughout my life, and finally, I am starting to be a little freer from that. From whence it comes? I don't know. It is both a blessing and a curse. I used to read and think and ask and call and study and research endlessly about my son. If only.... The mental illness---not addiction but something "else", a brain thing, a biochemical dysfunction, schizophrenia, bipolar, severe depression, whatever it might be, that confounded me the most. If this, then that? If he can't function, then what is my responsibility as his mother? On and on and on. It was never ending and it was incredibly painful and that kind of thinking kept me locked in a prison of my own making and my own mind. How much is truth? How much is him? How much is other people? Where do I fit into all of this, his fiercest advocate, his own mother? It's enough to drive a person completely crazy. The day I truly heard this...it was a gift...such a gift...to learn that until his drug use (alcohol and abuse of any type of substance) was stopped and he got into treatment, which is way beyond the physical side of it all, to include the mental, emotional, spiritual, etc., there was no way to know any of the above. No way at all. In fact, I was told by the best professionals, often the other "stuff" completely disappears once they are free from substance abuse. All of the behaviors and bad thinking just...stops. I had to be told this over and over again by multiple professionals before I would believe it, and then before I could hear it, and truly take it in, and allow my own self to be changed by this brand new information. Now, I realize that many of us on this forum had diagnosis for our DCs well before the substance abuse began, and I can understand that this continues to confound us. My own son was never diagnosed with anything before his drug use and alcohol use began, but I can see, looking back, that he at least had some degree of anxiety that I can identify, from very early on. However, he was functional and did well in school and had friends and really had few behavior issues (precocious redhead and very energetic little boy notwithstanding) before 7th grade. You would have said, well, he's just shy and a mama's boy and has lots of energy. All that was true. For me...for me...unhooking from the endless thinking about what if was an important step on my journey. It went hand in hand, for me, with realizing I can't fix things for people. I can't fix the world. I can't fix my son. I can't fix the mental health system, the government, the police, the courts, the whatever. I can't fix anything really, except myself, and wow, isn't that a JOB? A full time job. I had to release my son. Release him to the universe. To God. To my Higher Power. To the world. Was it painful? Yes it was terribly painful. And hard to do, and I backslid a lot. I had to simply face that he was a grown man and as much as I love him, I can't BE HIM and I can't do every single thing for him that is necessary for him to live a "normal life." I wish I could, but I can't. That doesn't mean I don't love him, that I didn't have a lot of contact with him, because I did, even though it all, but I had to start thinking about myself more and what I could "take" and setting more and more boundaries for myself with him. It is such a process and in my situation, I couldn't do anything else in order to save my own life. That's what it came down to, and I want to live. I want to live a great life, even if, even if, and I will say this outright, even if he can't. I had to sort through all of this stuff I am writing about here, and much more, to get here. I am still sorting. I will always be sorting. I don't believe any of us are really different here, about all of this. There has to be comfort there, knowing we, many of us, most of us, feel the same. [/QUOTE]
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