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How to even talk on the phone with my son....
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 658627" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Echo. I so appreciate your wisdom gained, in the very heart of the pain in which I find myself.</p><p></p><p>My son has not phoned me since I threatened a block on the phone if he continued to disrespect me. I left a message for him a few days ago and momentarily had some peace. At least I had let down the barrier on my end.</p><p></p><p>After a few days more, beginning to suffer, I reminded myself that he may need the barrier, and that disrespecting me, had been, for him a way to make distance, because he has to.</p><p></p><p>Maybe he seeks growth, too, and rather than punishing me as I sometimes fear he is doing, he may be trying to overcome his dependency. </p><p></p><p>And this, too, I find scary. It is almost as if I am resisting the acceptance of that which I had wanted. That he grow away.</p><p></p><p>Growing up and apart is the nature of things. What we want. Yet at the same time, the trials of these difficult years, and his difficulty emancipating, have as if woven the pain into the bonds between us, and there is a tearing of the fabric of love, rather than a freeing.</p><p></p><p>There is something in me that still wants to believe in magic. If I do this or that, things will be resolved, healed.</p><p></p><p>Instead of the reality, that they change to some new state which may be equally difficult. Entailing another and different adjustment to yet another state, whatever that might be.</p><p></p><p>I am learning that what needs to change, again, is me. Not just in nots, not doing this and that...or shoulds...but a way to be without expectations and without knowing and without the need to keep hold. Because all the nots and shoulds have just resulted in another temporary state of things for which I am unprepared.</p><p> The place between saving and accepting, what is it for me? For now all I can say it is in the second of rest between the breath in and out. Nothing more.</p><p>I am on my way, Echo, but it is in the space between here and there, that is giving me problems. The moments that I miss him.</p><p></p><p>And I guess as I write this, missing him is okay. Because that is love. The instant between breathing in and out.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 658627, member: 18958"] Hi Echo. I so appreciate your wisdom gained, in the very heart of the pain in which I find myself. My son has not phoned me since I threatened a block on the phone if he continued to disrespect me. I left a message for him a few days ago and momentarily had some peace. At least I had let down the barrier on my end. After a few days more, beginning to suffer, I reminded myself that he may need the barrier, and that disrespecting me, had been, for him a way to make distance, because he has to. Maybe he seeks growth, too, and rather than punishing me as I sometimes fear he is doing, he may be trying to overcome his dependency. And this, too, I find scary. It is almost as if I am resisting the acceptance of that which I had wanted. That he grow away. Growing up and apart is the nature of things. What we want. Yet at the same time, the trials of these difficult years, and his difficulty emancipating, have as if woven the pain into the bonds between us, and there is a tearing of the fabric of love, rather than a freeing. There is something in me that still wants to believe in magic. If I do this or that, things will be resolved, healed. Instead of the reality, that they change to some new state which may be equally difficult. Entailing another and different adjustment to yet another state, whatever that might be. I am learning that what needs to change, again, is me. Not just in nots, not doing this and that...or shoulds...but a way to be without expectations and without knowing and without the need to keep hold. Because all the nots and shoulds have just resulted in another temporary state of things for which I am unprepared. The place between saving and accepting, what is it for me? For now all I can say it is in the second of rest between the breath in and out. Nothing more. I am on my way, Echo, but it is in the space between here and there, that is giving me problems. The moments that I miss him. And I guess as I write this, missing him is okay. Because that is love. The instant between breathing in and out. [/QUOTE]
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How to even talk on the phone with my son....
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