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How to even talk on the phone with my son....
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 659497" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Separation is different from a cut off. I know why you feel so hurt. As you know, I have suffered many FOO cut offs and it is humiliating and causes shame in us, but that isn't rational. We are just flashing back to our little girls who felt shame and unloved. It would be so much easier to understand if our brains just told us flat out why we were so horrified rather than letting us try to decipher our terror. Well, I k now I felt a terror in the pit of my stomach each time my sibling cut me off (well, until the last few times when I got used to it). And when my mother disowned/disinherited me, even though it was obvious that this was what she was going to do. I denied it until it happened. You know my story well.</p><p></p><p>Both of you feel abandoned. How do I know your son does? I'm not sure, but his birthparents left him and all of my adopted children have that hurt. Jumper told me (and she's very well adjusted) that adoption should be considered a special need. Copa, being adopted is different. Your son was almost two when you got him and his subconscious remembers the orphanage and waiting to be hugged. Adopted kids are more vulnerable to feeling no good, because their birthparents didn't want them or were not suitable parents, and perhaps when you said you'd block him, he was triggered with an emotional flashback and thought, "So what. I'll bae alone again. I started out that way." And he triggered you by bringing up your father, who was so incredibly hurtful to you. So both of you had emotional flashbacks and you both reacted. Adoption, Copa. It is VERY significant here. He can not turn into your parents as he doesn't have their DNA and a ny issues he has are not related to being like they are. He could also have some attachment issues...shaky attachment. He loved you but always maybe with a guard up. You are not responsible for all his challenges. Or that he is adopted, thus abandoned. You didn't do those things. His birthparents did.</p><p></p><p>Hear me? You are not responsible for how he came into this world or his emotional flashbacks.</p><p></p><p>I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you what I'd do. And what I did with Goneboy.</p><p></p><p>I did try to contact him. He didn't block me, but the phone calls kept deteriorating. I look back and wonder if anything triggered HIM. He was in an orphanage for six years. I think I might have triggered something in him. I don't know. But I feel guilty too and wish I could live that time over again, although I'm not quite sure what I'd do. At the time, he was rejecting his sister Princess whom he had always counted on and loved. Like you, I was ill equipped to deal with this conflict. I am still not good with conflict so I avoid it by stepping out of the fight.</p><p></p><p>It is up to you what you do about this. If you want it to stand, do nothing. He may contact you again once he is over it. If you want to try to discuss it, you can call him on somebody else's phone. You can do nothing else, but try to work it out. Since you were the once who was blocked, he is the one who has to decide what to do if he talks to you or hears from you. I would not grovel. He won't respect you at all if you do that.</p><p></p><p>I was able to move on from Goneboy, but a big part of that is having other people, plus four other kids. Copa, I adopted three kids (actually more, but one turned out to be dangerous) because I wanted a big family. Like you, I did not feel a part of my FOO and wanted to have a family. I thought that adopting an older child would be ok...I did not k now as much about attachment as I do now. But when he left, I had other people who loved me to fall back on, plus I felt that I had rightly defended my daughter from him. His wife was very jealous of their closeness. All of his girlfriends before his wife tried to befriend her because they were so close. This one pretty much wanted her out of the picture and his religious beliefs tell him that you stick to what your spouse says. I know that's vague, but it was multi-layered and, in the end, had lots to do with the identity that Goneboy felt he did not have. Now he has a ethnically-the-same wife who follows her culture and his kids are growing up in a that type of ethnic home. He wanted this very much. I'm glad he got it.</p><p></p><p>At any rate, I wish you peace and the ability to make a rational decision, not based on fear of being alone, which you are not. I just wish I k new the answer, but I don't.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and try to have a good day.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 659497, member: 1550"] Separation is different from a cut off. I know why you feel so hurt. As you know, I have suffered many FOO cut offs and it is humiliating and causes shame in us, but that isn't rational. We are just flashing back to our little girls who felt shame and unloved. It would be so much easier to understand if our brains just told us flat out why we were so horrified rather than letting us try to decipher our terror. Well, I k now I felt a terror in the pit of my stomach each time my sibling cut me off (well, until the last few times when I got used to it). And when my mother disowned/disinherited me, even though it was obvious that this was what she was going to do. I denied it until it happened. You know my story well. Both of you feel abandoned. How do I know your son does? I'm not sure, but his birthparents left him and all of my adopted children have that hurt. Jumper told me (and she's very well adjusted) that adoption should be considered a special need. Copa, being adopted is different. Your son was almost two when you got him and his subconscious remembers the orphanage and waiting to be hugged. Adopted kids are more vulnerable to feeling no good, because their birthparents didn't want them or were not suitable parents, and perhaps when you said you'd block him, he was triggered with an emotional flashback and thought, "So what. I'll bae alone again. I started out that way." And he triggered you by bringing up your father, who was so incredibly hurtful to you. So both of you had emotional flashbacks and you both reacted. Adoption, Copa. It is VERY significant here. He can not turn into your parents as he doesn't have their DNA and a ny issues he has are not related to being like they are. He could also have some attachment issues...shaky attachment. He loved you but always maybe with a guard up. You are not responsible for all his challenges. Or that he is adopted, thus abandoned. You didn't do those things. His birthparents did. Hear me? You are not responsible for how he came into this world or his emotional flashbacks. I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you what I'd do. And what I did with Goneboy. I did try to contact him. He didn't block me, but the phone calls kept deteriorating. I look back and wonder if anything triggered HIM. He was in an orphanage for six years. I think I might have triggered something in him. I don't know. But I feel guilty too and wish I could live that time over again, although I'm not quite sure what I'd do. At the time, he was rejecting his sister Princess whom he had always counted on and loved. Like you, I was ill equipped to deal with this conflict. I am still not good with conflict so I avoid it by stepping out of the fight. It is up to you what you do about this. If you want it to stand, do nothing. He may contact you again once he is over it. If you want to try to discuss it, you can call him on somebody else's phone. You can do nothing else, but try to work it out. Since you were the once who was blocked, he is the one who has to decide what to do if he talks to you or hears from you. I would not grovel. He won't respect you at all if you do that. I was able to move on from Goneboy, but a big part of that is having other people, plus four other kids. Copa, I adopted three kids (actually more, but one turned out to be dangerous) because I wanted a big family. Like you, I did not feel a part of my FOO and wanted to have a family. I thought that adopting an older child would be ok...I did not k now as much about attachment as I do now. But when he left, I had other people who loved me to fall back on, plus I felt that I had rightly defended my daughter from him. His wife was very jealous of their closeness. All of his girlfriends before his wife tried to befriend her because they were so close. This one pretty much wanted her out of the picture and his religious beliefs tell him that you stick to what your spouse says. I know that's vague, but it was multi-layered and, in the end, had lots to do with the identity that Goneboy felt he did not have. Now he has a ethnically-the-same wife who follows her culture and his kids are growing up in a that type of ethnic home. He wanted this very much. I'm glad he got it. At any rate, I wish you peace and the ability to make a rational decision, not based on fear of being alone, which you are not. I just wish I k new the answer, but I don't. Hugs and try to have a good day. [/QUOTE]
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