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How to stop enabling abusive narcissistic entitled adult children
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 753704" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Calgary Mom</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry you are being put through this.</p><p></p><p>I think the first thing that needs to happen for you and the rest of us is that we face up to reality, without flinching, which you are doing. Your son is your son. Regardless of diagnosis. He does what he does.</p><p></p><p>That is reality.</p><p></p><p>He knows and you know what he does and the effect. The very safe presumption is that he will keep doing it. As you say, the responsibility is your own to learn to respond in a different way.</p><p></p><p>That he may mistreat, con, deceive, manipulate, lie, avoid responsibility, not follow through on commitments, seems to be a given.</p><p></p><p>Whether he loves you or not, is neither here nor there. The way he treats you is NOT loving. Boundaries are not only limits that we set for others not to cross. Boundaries also exist in our own heads. So that we don't indulge ourselves in ways that cause us pain. When we are not treated with love by our adult children, who are self-absorbed and self-serving, we feel very sad. We need to work very hard to avoid this. It doesn't help us or them. Many of us spend valuable time trying to fix our kids. You seem beyond that. Good for you. </p><p></p><p>I think the next steps for you are setting limits so that communications and contacts with your son are not so damaging. This requires, too, that your thinking changes, about you, him and your life.</p><p></p><p>Learning to turn to people who value you, do things that give you pleasure, think in ways that reinforce strength and well-being, and to not indulge feelings that are undermining and make you feel bad. Many of us turn to spirituality, exercise, therapy, 12 step groups, art, friends, etc. to bolster well-being and meaning in our lives, as an antidote to the stress we feel with our children, but also to come to experience ourselves as greater, more and deeper than our customary roles.</p><p></p><p>Others will be around shortly. I want to welcome you to the site, and hope you continue to post. It helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 753704, member: 18958"] Dear Calgary Mom I'm sorry you are being put through this. I think the first thing that needs to happen for you and the rest of us is that we face up to reality, without flinching, which you are doing. Your son is your son. Regardless of diagnosis. He does what he does. That is reality. He knows and you know what he does and the effect. The very safe presumption is that he will keep doing it. As you say, the responsibility is your own to learn to respond in a different way. That he may mistreat, con, deceive, manipulate, lie, avoid responsibility, not follow through on commitments, seems to be a given. Whether he loves you or not, is neither here nor there. The way he treats you is NOT loving. Boundaries are not only limits that we set for others not to cross. Boundaries also exist in our own heads. So that we don't indulge ourselves in ways that cause us pain. When we are not treated with love by our adult children, who are self-absorbed and self-serving, we feel very sad. We need to work very hard to avoid this. It doesn't help us or them. Many of us spend valuable time trying to fix our kids. You seem beyond that. Good for you. I think the next steps for you are setting limits so that communications and contacts with your son are not so damaging. This requires, too, that your thinking changes, about you, him and your life. Learning to turn to people who value you, do things that give you pleasure, think in ways that reinforce strength and well-being, and to not indulge feelings that are undermining and make you feel bad. Many of us turn to spirituality, exercise, therapy, 12 step groups, art, friends, etc. to bolster well-being and meaning in our lives, as an antidote to the stress we feel with our children, but also to come to experience ourselves as greater, more and deeper than our customary roles. Others will be around shortly. I want to welcome you to the site, and hope you continue to post. It helps. [/QUOTE]
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