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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 764358" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hello Ithurts,</p><p>I’m so sorry for your pain. I think it is so important to process the emotions, and find healthy ways to rise above whatever situation unfolds. It is not easy, that’s for sure. Know that you are worth the effort, your life has value.</p><p></p><p>I’m so sorry to read this. While my two have gone down the rabbit hole with meth, they have not spoken about suicide. It is unfathomable to suffer hearing that from a loved one.</p><p></p><p>This is most reasonable and logical. I have had to make the same decision. That was a huge change for me and was difficult to stick by. My daughter Tornado has asked several times to “come back home”. At first, I would go into an emotional tailspin after saying <strong>no</strong>, because I was focused on worst case scenarios. The truth is that my two never got better living at home. The truth is also that there are programs and agencies that will help my two if they <em>want help.</em> The same for your son.</p><p></p><p>Hopefully your son will figure out that drinking is not the answer and is harming him.</p><p></p><p>Who knows what is in the minds of our addicted adult children? I do know that talk of suicide is serious and warrants a call to 911. I also feel that it is extremely emotionally abusive for a loved one to have to hear. Whatever the case with your son, I am glad he is back in treatment. Hopefully he will get the help he needs and follow through with the steps he needs to take to get well.</p><p></p><p>You are on the right path with boundaries and not giving money. It does not mean you will be comfortable. It’s hard to create new paths and walk the walk. We have literally been conditioned by our adult children’s addicted state, to react in ways that are not healthy for them, or us. It’s like being stuck in a whirlpool, whipped into reluctant submission by the constant drama and chaos, feeling like we have to do <em>something. </em>The hard reality for my hubs and I was that the more we did, the more my two sunk into their addiction and we got pulled down into the “quicksand” with them. I see more and more now that my two took full advantage of our despair, and used it to further their drug use. Understanding this, and making efforts to change our knee jerk reaction to the “newest catastrophe” helps to pull up and out of the muck. I had to remove myself emotionally, and that was tough. Still is, but, I am recovering more quickly and learning to recognize when I am creeping towards the rabbit hole. My demise, my enabling did absolutely nothing to help them and was slowly killing me. Looking back on those crazy years, I am horrified at what we put up with. But, I suppose that is part of this journey. Rinse, repeat until we know better.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry for your aching heart. It is a most difficult thing to watch. Our wayward adult children have their lives to live, choices to make and we have <em>no contro</em>l over this. What we do have control over is ourselves and our reactions. I am hoping that you find the right therapist to help you navigate through the pain and hard reality. What helped me tremendously, besides coming here and writing and receiving kind and understanding responses, was walking. A lot of walking and praying. I ended up giving my two in prayer back to God. They were only on loan to me to raise up, they truly belong to Him. I don’t mean to sound preachy, but this really helped me to let go of a misconceived notion that I could somehow “help” them make better choices. I can only love them, and hope and pray that one day they find their light and potential. Whatever your beliefs are, I think it is crucial to find healthy ways to let go of the toxic attachment that can develop when faced with addicted loved ones.</p><p></p><p>No need to apologize. I have written a few “books” here. I think writing is a good way to work through the grief. We are grieving these choices our wayward kids make. It is a very tough road, and we are all at different points. I have many times tripped and fell along the way, and still come here for help and healing. You will be okay, Ithurtz. You have to. After all, we are our kids first mentors. What we wish for them is to love themselves enough to make better choices. I think the greatest help we can give them is to <em>model</em> that. Self love, that is. We cannot <em>choose</em> for them, but we can lead by example in learning to love ourselves, to take care of ourselves, to stick to boundaries. To find ways to create joy in our lives. You matter. Your life matters.</p><p>Take care</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 764358, member: 19522"] Hello Ithurts, I’m so sorry for your pain. I think it is so important to process the emotions, and find healthy ways to rise above whatever situation unfolds. It is not easy, that’s for sure. Know that you are worth the effort, your life has value. I’m so sorry to read this. While my two have gone down the rabbit hole with meth, they have not spoken about suicide. It is unfathomable to suffer hearing that from a loved one. This is most reasonable and logical. I have had to make the same decision. That was a huge change for me and was difficult to stick by. My daughter Tornado has asked several times to “come back home”. At first, I would go into an emotional tailspin after saying [B]no[/B], because I was focused on worst case scenarios. The truth is that my two never got better living at home. The truth is also that there are programs and agencies that will help my two if they [I]want help.[/I] The same for your son. Hopefully your son will figure out that drinking is not the answer and is harming him. Who knows what is in the minds of our addicted adult children? I do know that talk of suicide is serious and warrants a call to 911. I also feel that it is extremely emotionally abusive for a loved one to have to hear. Whatever the case with your son, I am glad he is back in treatment. Hopefully he will get the help he needs and follow through with the steps he needs to take to get well. You are on the right path with boundaries and not giving money. It does not mean you will be comfortable. It’s hard to create new paths and walk the walk. We have literally been conditioned by our adult children’s addicted state, to react in ways that are not healthy for them, or us. It’s like being stuck in a whirlpool, whipped into reluctant submission by the constant drama and chaos, feeling like we have to do [I]something. [/I]The hard reality for my hubs and I was that the more we did, the more my two sunk into their addiction and we got pulled down into the “quicksand” with them. I see more and more now that my two took full advantage of our despair, and used it to further their drug use. Understanding this, and making efforts to change our knee jerk reaction to the “newest catastrophe” helps to pull up and out of the muck. I had to remove myself emotionally, and that was tough. Still is, but, I am recovering more quickly and learning to recognize when I am creeping towards the rabbit hole. My demise, my enabling did absolutely nothing to help them and was slowly killing me. Looking back on those crazy years, I am horrified at what we put up with. But, I suppose that is part of this journey. Rinse, repeat until we know better. I am so sorry for your aching heart. It is a most difficult thing to watch. Our wayward adult children have their lives to live, choices to make and we have [I]no contro[/I]l over this. What we do have control over is ourselves and our reactions. I am hoping that you find the right therapist to help you navigate through the pain and hard reality. What helped me tremendously, besides coming here and writing and receiving kind and understanding responses, was walking. A lot of walking and praying. I ended up giving my two in prayer back to God. They were only on loan to me to raise up, they truly belong to Him. I don’t mean to sound preachy, but this really helped me to let go of a misconceived notion that I could somehow “help” them make better choices. I can only love them, and hope and pray that one day they find their light and potential. Whatever your beliefs are, I think it is crucial to find healthy ways to let go of the toxic attachment that can develop when faced with addicted loved ones. No need to apologize. I have written a few “books” here. I think writing is a good way to work through the grief. We are grieving these choices our wayward kids make. It is a very tough road, and we are all at different points. I have many times tripped and fell along the way, and still come here for help and healing. You will be okay, Ithurtz. You have to. After all, we are our kids first mentors. What we wish for them is to love themselves enough to make better choices. I think the greatest help we can give them is to [I]model[/I] that. Self love, that is. We cannot [I]choose[/I] for them, but we can lead by example in learning to love ourselves, to take care of ourselves, to stick to boundaries. To find ways to create joy in our lives. You matter. Your life matters. Take care (((Hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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