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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 764372" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Worndown,</p><p>I am so sorry for your troubles with your two daughters and the heartache of it. </p><p></p><p>My heart is definitely connected to my two wayward daughters, albeit <em>cautiously</em>. I don’t think the aim of detachment is to disconnect completely. I look at it more as to recognize unhealthy patterns and anything we may do on our part that enables our adult kids to abuse themselves and in turn abuse us. There are times when I had to limit contact to preserve my sanity and for my safety. But, I will always love my two. </p><p></p><p>I think Copa is spot on here. I look back at times when I have been in complete despair over my two, their addiction and bad choices became so intertwined with my life I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. Back then, feeling this way was identified with <em>loving</em> them. I was completely enmeshed with their downslide. Many folks have written “How can I be happy when my adult child is out there on the streets?” As if by sacrificing ourselves, our own lives, our own joy, we can somehow make them choose differently? It never happened. In fact, the more I degraded myself by basing my life and world on my waywards chaos, the more my two took advantage of my lack of self awareness, self identity and lack of boundary setting. Many times I have written that as I set boundaries and stuck to them I felt cold hearted. That was more my reaction to <em>not</em> going into an emotional tailspin over the latest dramatic episode. It felt <em>foreign</em> to react calmly. </p><p>This does not mean that I don’t love my two, I do with all of my heart. I am learning to rewire my brain towards acceptance of the consequences they face due to their choices. It takes work, but I don’t think I would live much longer if I continued to self destruct over these years. It is a constant effort to self regulate and redirect my attention to the only thing I can control, my reaction. </p><p></p><p>Our grands are truly a blessing. </p><p></p><p>It is tough Worndown, holidays are rough. We all would love to have that Norman Rockwell family dinner. I pray for peace of mind and heart for you. From your posts, you have been dealing with this for a long time, too. Hang in there. You are worth it. Your life and happiness has value. </p><p></p><p>Me too. It has helped me immeasurably. </p><p>Big Hugs to you</p><p>Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 764372, member: 19522"] Hi Worndown, I am so sorry for your troubles with your two daughters and the heartache of it. My heart is definitely connected to my two wayward daughters, albeit [I]cautiously[/I]. I don’t think the aim of detachment is to disconnect completely. I look at it more as to recognize unhealthy patterns and anything we may do on our part that enables our adult kids to abuse themselves and in turn abuse us. There are times when I had to limit contact to preserve my sanity and for my safety. But, I will always love my two. I think Copa is spot on here. I look back at times when I have been in complete despair over my two, their addiction and bad choices became so intertwined with my life I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. Back then, feeling this way was identified with [I]loving[/I] them. I was completely enmeshed with their downslide. Many folks have written “How can I be happy when my adult child is out there on the streets?” As if by sacrificing ourselves, our own lives, our own joy, we can somehow make them choose differently? It never happened. In fact, the more I degraded myself by basing my life and world on my waywards chaos, the more my two took advantage of my lack of self awareness, self identity and lack of boundary setting. Many times I have written that as I set boundaries and stuck to them I felt cold hearted. That was more my reaction to [I]not[/I] going into an emotional tailspin over the latest dramatic episode. It felt [I]foreign[/I] to react calmly. This does not mean that I don’t love my two, I do with all of my heart. I am learning to rewire my brain towards acceptance of the consequences they face due to their choices. It takes work, but I don’t think I would live much longer if I continued to self destruct over these years. It is a constant effort to self regulate and redirect my attention to the only thing I can control, my reaction. Our grands are truly a blessing. It is tough Worndown, holidays are rough. We all would love to have that Norman Rockwell family dinner. I pray for peace of mind and heart for you. From your posts, you have been dealing with this for a long time, too. Hang in there. You are worth it. Your life and happiness has value. Me too. It has helped me immeasurably. Big Hugs to you Leaf [/QUOTE]
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