You said, "My biggest problem with husband is that he doesn't stop to think most of the time before acting out."
So where did the difficult child-ness in your kids come from? Consider genetics.
And if this is the case, then accept that he IS going to be impulsive and childish. NEVER accept the put-downs in front of the kids, but ALWAYS sort them out in private, even if HE doesn't. And if he continues to break the rules (which you and he have to agree on, in private - draw them up as a contract if necessary) then you CAN begin to humorously 'put him down' in front of difficult child 1. "OK, difficult child 1 and husband - am I going to have to send BOTH of you to your rooms?" Set up a code ahead of time, which you can use to let husband know that he's undermining your contract and your parenting. And if he disagrees with the contract and the parenting issues AFTER you've privately agreed on them - confront him. Ask him right out, "Are you feeling emasculated because I'm acting as the stronger parent? Are you undermining me merely to assert your own superior parental authority?"
If you can't agree on this, show him the door, tell him it's open either direction - he can stay (or return) when he can not undermine you, or he can stay away until he's worked out how to live by the rules of society (which includes the rules of family).
But if he's difficult child too, you need to find a way that will work for him. Help him find his way to feel he is supporting you, but you are also supporting him.
You may well benefit from some family counselling, if this is causing so much trouble. It's worth considering.
Marg
