I’m back….raising my granddaughter!

[Sue C]

I was one of the original members. At the time My girls were 10 and 16, I believe. #1 is 44 now and doing awesome! She had been on drugs as a teen. She has a wonderful family and awesome career.

#2 was diagnosed with ODD when she was about 12(?). She’s now 38, has 4 kids with 3 men as the fathers. She’s been in and out of jail for years (not drugs). I’ve been raising her 9-year-old daughter since she’s 3. I’m her legal Guardian. Mom and dad get visits, but dad has been AWOL for six months. Lately, my granddaughter has been acting up. Swearing (her mom swears), sometimes digging her nails in me, refusing to do what’s asked of her. Doesn’t listen to me. It takes me telling her the same thing for at least 5-10 times. I take away her Kindle. I take away her playing with neighbor kids. Nothing works.

I fear she’s following in her mom’s footsteps. She has seen a therapist since she’s 4-1/2. Yes, 4-1/2!! She was diagnosed with ADD (minus H) last year. Not on medications. Doctor doesn’t feel she needs to be and I’m not keen on it, either.

I’m feeling at my wit’s end. This is my second time around! I already raised her mom with ODD and lived through hell at times with her. I feel too old for this. Tonight was just one of those nights where I was thinking about this support group and how much it helped me so many years ago. And I needed to pour my heart out tonight.

 

[Sunlight]

I was one of the original members. At the time My girls were 10 and 16, I believe. #1 is 44 now and doing awesome! She had been on drugs as a teen. She has a wonderful family and awesome career.

#2 was diagnosed with ODD when she was about 12(?). She’s now 38, has 4 kids with 3 men as the fathers. She’s been in and out of jail for years (not drugs). I’ve been raising her 9-year-old daughter since she’s 3. I’m her legal Guardian. Mom and dad get visits, but dad has been AWOL for six months. Lately, my granddaughter has been acting up. Swearing (her mom swears), sometimes digging her nails in me, refusing to do what’s asked of her. Doesn’t listen to me. It takes me telling her the same thing for at least 5-10 times. I take away her Kindle. I take away her playing with neighbor kids. Nothing works.

I fear she’s following in her mom’s footsteps. She has seen a therapist since she’s 4-1/2. Yes, 4-1/2!! She was diagnosed with ADD (minus H) last year. Not on medications. Doctor doesn’t feel she needs to be and I’m not keen on it, either.

I’m feeling at my wit’s end. This is my second time around! I already raised her mom with ODD and lived through hell at times with her. I feel too old for this. Tonight was just one of those nights where I was thinking about this support group and how much it helped me so many years ago. And I needed to pour my heart out tonight.

Hi there Sue…it’s Antsmom…of course I remember you and all our shared joys and sorrow. It was quite the roller coaster ride! Somehow here we still stand.

I am glad your girls are still alive and you’re blessed with grandkids. Your younger daughter should be getting weary of incarceration. Ant was in jails and one prison until age 25. He’s 41 now and no more arrests since age 23 when he had his fourth DUI. He’s doing really well and is active in church, sponsors others in AA. He was the guy who always ran away. Lol he bought a house on my street.

Ant has four kids to three moms and is a good dad. I get along with all the moms. He was only married to the mom of the last two.

His oldest child is 20 and diagnosed with severe adhd. He’s had a rough time but graduated high school. His mom abandoned him about age 4. I helped raise him all along. He was on ADDERALL XR for school hours until tenth grade when he refused to take it anymore. He was always on the school hockey team. He had an IEP at school and saw a therapist until he refused that too. He’s had some drug, alcohol abuse and issues with the wrong crowd. He’s now recently working in a trial basis at a good union job and seems calmer. He’s walked out of countless jobs since he was 16. I paid for a driver training program and he does drive. His mom straightened out and is in his life now too. He’s slowed down. Things can get better in time. We are older and patience wears thin.

I’m glad your granddaughter is having early intervention and you could also benefit from counseling in handling how to respond to her outbursts. She shouldn’t be told over and over. She knows you will do that so she pushes the limit. Tell her once and walk away. Don’t give her an audience. She’s not your equal in authority so doesn’t get to be in the position of arguing with you.

The swearing…tell her calmly that it’s inappropriate language. Then quietly stop communicating with her. Always de-escalate by using a slow calm voice and very few firm words.

Digging nails in? Stop that immediately before she thinks that others will tolerate it too. Lay a hand on top of hers, rub softly. Look her in the eyes. Hand her a pillow and tell her when she feels that frustrated, she’s to hit or squeeze the pillow.

These kids are better handled with calm firmness. Plan lots of activities. It can be easy stuff. Outdoors does wonders. Walk and observe. Take chairs out to watch the clouds. Go on a smooth rock hunt and paint them. Play meditation music in the home-soft spa sounds. Burn a lavender candle. Have her draw how she feels and save her pictures in a binder for later viewing. Make cookies. It’s exhausting and I am sure you’re not getting much down time.

I do believe this is genetic. Ant’s other three kids are all in gifted programs at school-straight As who play instruments, play in sports, never in trouble and ages 12, 14, and 16. Only his first has had problems. He’s outgrown some behaviors and sometimes, as with Ant, the pain of consequences has taught him.

I don’t check here much at all. Life with my guy is much more sedate these days. I did read many of the old posts of the joy we all had with fun times here as well as shared tears. May God give you peace in your world and bless your family. Hugs.

 

[Sunlight]

Sue, your difficult daughter had graduated college, was married with a good job. I take it somewhere along the line things went bad again?

Perhaps her memory of those successes will trigger her return to a better life.

 

[Sue C]

Sue, your difficult daughter had graduated college, was married with a good job. I take it somewhere along the line things went bad again?

Perhaps her memory of those successes will trigger her return to a better life.

Hi antsmom,
Thx for all the advice above. I will try implementing it.

Daughter #1 is my older daughter who is now 44. She got married at 21 to a guy she met at a rave. They matured fast and gave up raves and ecstasy not long after that. She is the successful one with a wonderful family (great husband, a gifted boy, and a sweet daughter) and an awesome career. She was never in jail.

Daughter #2 is 38. Dropped out of college after 2-1/2 years. Has four kids with 3 different guys. Never married. Originally diagnosed ODD. She claims she was recently diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety. I have no proof of that. I have always thought she has borderline personality disorder, and once quite awhile ago she said a psychiatrist said maybe she had that but there wasn’t much you can do. She now denies saying that. She says she’s in counseling but I have no proof of that, either. One son supposedly has ADHD. Another son has autism. Her youngest son was in foster care cuz she had him while she was in JAIL!! She’s been out of jail two years now and CPS gave her the boy several months ago but they be doing checks for a year.

I have been in therapy for about two years. It has helped in dealing with my daughter. But sometimes I fall back into engaging. There is a no contact between us per her probation officer but that’s up May 1, I believe. At one point I had a four year restraining order on her.

My husband died nine years ago, so I’m raising this 9 year old granddaughter on my own. Her dad is AWOL out of state for six months now. He owes me so much back support money that he has a warrant for his arrest if he does come back to town. My granddaughter misses him. She wants to live with her mom (my daughter).