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I acted on a suspicion
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 690891" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I began work today. In dog language, I had rabies. Inside of myself, I went bonkers. </p><p></p><p>The people were as nice to me as could be. There was nothing about the setting or work that was very new to me, but I had no sense of personal safety, or control or confidence. I felt <em>doomed and marked for destruction</em>. </p><p></p><p>I felt the locus of my power was outside of myself, and saw myself doing that thing that M hates--desperate eyes beseeching somebody else, who has power, to help me, save me. </p><p></p><p>I did not hold steady state. I abandoned myself. Instead of calm dominant, I felt and exuded desperate submission. I would have grabbed hold of anybody I could to feel reassurance I was so panicked. The more aware I was of how I was feeling, acting, and perceived, the more desperate and exposed I felt.</p><p>Honestly, I listened to the video. I do not know where to begin except he stresses the need to ignore the excited state. </p><p></p><p>This: </p><p></p><p>Somewhere I have come up with the sense of having failed at life. Being a failure. And that is not because of my son, or my mother--really. Somehow I have this sense that I am losing powers and capacities as I age. My driving. My looks. My energy. I am in pain.</p><p></p><p>And yet, it cannot be this, because when I am out (especially with M) when we go about our day together, I exude confidence. Not over-confidence, just a sense of peace and tranquility about who I am am, a sense of mastery of life. Like at the top of my game, which is 100 percent opposite what I felt today at work.</p><p></p><p>So it must be something that I do to myself--I am forced to think it has to do with disempowerment or punishment.</p><p>You see, Cedar, what you are saying here is the sense I begin to have about myself--about life--when I know it is not true. I do not feel I am failing with my son. I am grateful to have M.</p><p></p><p>OK. While I was at work, I began to have the sense of comparing myself to this man, this supervisor who was orienting me. He was about 45, gorgeous, charming, confident--his wife was the CEO at a neighboring prison, the chief hospital administrator.</p><p></p><p>So I started putting myself down in comparison to him. He is the kind of man who appears to have started with every advantage--social class, family--and I just felt such a failure. I even compared M to him.</p><p></p><p>I do not know why I did that to myself.I am not sure if the whole day was a means to punish myself for seeking to return to work. To tell myself I no longer had my mojo in anything. I was so cruel to myself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 690891, member: 18958"] I began work today. In dog language, I had rabies. Inside of myself, I went bonkers. The people were as nice to me as could be. There was nothing about the setting or work that was very new to me, but I had no sense of personal safety, or control or confidence. I felt [I]doomed and marked for destruction[/I]. I felt the locus of my power was outside of myself, and saw myself doing that thing that M hates--desperate eyes beseeching somebody else, who has power, to help me, save me. I did not hold steady state. I abandoned myself. Instead of calm dominant, I felt and exuded desperate submission. I would have grabbed hold of anybody I could to feel reassurance I was so panicked. The more aware I was of how I was feeling, acting, and perceived, the more desperate and exposed I felt. Honestly, I listened to the video. I do not know where to begin except he stresses the need to ignore the excited state. This: Somewhere I have come up with the sense of having failed at life. Being a failure. And that is not because of my son, or my mother--really. Somehow I have this sense that I am losing powers and capacities as I age. My driving. My looks. My energy. I am in pain. And yet, it cannot be this, because when I am out (especially with M) when we go about our day together, I exude confidence. Not over-confidence, just a sense of peace and tranquility about who I am am, a sense of mastery of life. Like at the top of my game, which is 100 percent opposite what I felt today at work. So it must be something that I do to myself--I am forced to think it has to do with disempowerment or punishment. You see, Cedar, what you are saying here is the sense I begin to have about myself--about life--when I know it is not true. I do not feel I am failing with my son. I am grateful to have M. OK. While I was at work, I began to have the sense of comparing myself to this man, this supervisor who was orienting me. He was about 45, gorgeous, charming, confident--his wife was the CEO at a neighboring prison, the chief hospital administrator. So I started putting myself down in comparison to him. He is the kind of man who appears to have started with every advantage--social class, family--and I just felt such a failure. I even compared M to him. I do not know why I did that to myself.I am not sure if the whole day was a means to punish myself for seeking to return to work. To tell myself I no longer had my mojo in anything. I was so cruel to myself. [/QUOTE]
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