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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 691064" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>You guys, I cannot keep up with these threads now, but want to respond to some of it to stay in the game. </p><p></p><p>SWOT, I agreed with your entire post and I am glad and grateful you responded.Actually, my son DID go see the child/adult psychiatrist/psychoanalyst 2 weeks ago. The same man he saw beginning in 6th grade and who was in our life steadily until about 9 years ago. There is nobody better. </p><p></p><p>For years I nagged my son to see Dr. B, and he did 4 years ago, but resisted until now. Why now? I am not sure. I think he understands it is in the best interests of maintaining SSI, to be open to treatment (although he resists medication.) I think he also does want to please me, to some extent, and listen to my viewpoint. </p><p></p><p>I was grateful (very much so that he went) and hopeful. And yes, I do believe I need to acknowledge this very big step. </p><p></p><p>I am unsure exactly why I respond/react the way I do. Fear? Wanting more and not being able to restrain it?</p><p>Actually, SWOT, you know I am in partial denial he is in mentally ill-still do not want to accept it--want him to get over it. Is it kind, fair, patient, realistic, or an effective response? No. </p><p>He is realistic, I am not. </p><p></p><p>SWOT, you see, part of me is still feeling as if he is choosing this to some extent. And that if he were to decide a different way, he would feel better. I do understand that that is erroneous, to some extent. That he does not feel the range of choices at this point, that I believe are possible.</p><p></p><p>For someone with both knowledge and empathy, it is pretty stunning that with respect to my own child...I take this attitude. Except I think this is not uncommon--this hits me where I live, so to speak.</p><p>Of course it does, SWOT. But if I cannot and will not accept that he is mentally ill--really--of course I am not going to accept the consequences. I am going to make him do it--so that he will get over the mental illness. I know this is irrational and erroneous. Neither of these things seems to have stopped me.</p><p>I have been mentioning this, and I will mentioning it again. Of course, you are right. What you are really saying, SWOT, is remember Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. He cannot (nobody can) get to the transcendent needs, without meeting the basic ones.</p><p></p><p>But do you see, SWOT, I am trying to prod and beat him into disproving he is mentally ill. Am I saying I am right? Absolutely not. I am just saying the truth.</p><p>Yes. You are both right. But you see, I cannot bear the pain of it. I cannot bear his pain...especially if he feels trapped and feels he cannot overcome it.</p><p>It is completely irrational. I have tried to talk to him logically. He is a gorgeous man. Everybody thinks he is a heartthrob. He focuses on slight balding but he also feels ugly too. He developed this body dysmorphic disorder when he was 20 when his Hep B worsened (he was born with it.) Both of us freaked out. I think he transferred his anxiety, (and rage at his birth parents, from whom he acquired it) onto his appearance. Which is to say that I believe that his feelings about his appearance are functional for him--they serve a purpose.</p><p></p><p>So, SWOT, when I came home tonight my son said to me this:<em> I am sorry for our conversation last night. I have more perspective today. I am going to do what I can about a college course. I understand what you said and I want to try.</em></p><p></p><p>Now, it may be lip service or not. Trying to please and placate and manipulate. Or not.</p><p></p><p>I hear what you are saying SWOT. To lay off on the pressure and to not force him or pressure him to meet my goals. I see that. </p><p></p><p>I did say to him:<em> Son, M found a lighter in the yard and he fears you are smoking marijuana. Do you think your depressed mood last night was related to that? </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>No. I have been trying to cut down my addiction to caffeine (he takes caffeine pills) and the caffeine withdrawal affects me the same way, to make me depressed.</em></p><p></p><p>You see, SWOT, I do not want my son to be mentally ill. I am doing everything in my power to pressure him to change. I write this knowing that it is wrong and unrealistic. I seem to be unwilling to change. </p><p></p><p>You know, I really love my son near me. I love that he is here. I can almost stand the part that he has no motivation or initiative and no goals that are realistic. *Except that I worry a great deal about when I die and his being unable to manage his affairs, or that he may be alone.</p><p></p><p>What feels unbearable is when he is sad.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 691064, member: 18958"] You guys, I cannot keep up with these threads now, but want to respond to some of it to stay in the game. SWOT, I agreed with your entire post and I am glad and grateful you responded.Actually, my son DID go see the child/adult psychiatrist/psychoanalyst 2 weeks ago. The same man he saw beginning in 6th grade and who was in our life steadily until about 9 years ago. There is nobody better. For years I nagged my son to see Dr. B, and he did 4 years ago, but resisted until now. Why now? I am not sure. I think he understands it is in the best interests of maintaining SSI, to be open to treatment (although he resists medication.) I think he also does want to please me, to some extent, and listen to my viewpoint. I was grateful (very much so that he went) and hopeful. And yes, I do believe I need to acknowledge this very big step. I am unsure exactly why I respond/react the way I do. Fear? Wanting more and not being able to restrain it? Actually, SWOT, you know I am in partial denial he is in mentally ill-still do not want to accept it--want him to get over it. Is it kind, fair, patient, realistic, or an effective response? No. He is realistic, I am not. SWOT, you see, part of me is still feeling as if he is choosing this to some extent. And that if he were to decide a different way, he would feel better. I do understand that that is erroneous, to some extent. That he does not feel the range of choices at this point, that I believe are possible. For someone with both knowledge and empathy, it is pretty stunning that with respect to my own child...I take this attitude. Except I think this is not uncommon--this hits me where I live, so to speak. Of course it does, SWOT. But if I cannot and will not accept that he is mentally ill--really--of course I am not going to accept the consequences. I am going to make him do it--so that he will get over the mental illness. I know this is irrational and erroneous. Neither of these things seems to have stopped me. I have been mentioning this, and I will mentioning it again. Of course, you are right. What you are really saying, SWOT, is remember Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. He cannot (nobody can) get to the transcendent needs, without meeting the basic ones. But do you see, SWOT, I am trying to prod and beat him into disproving he is mentally ill. Am I saying I am right? Absolutely not. I am just saying the truth. Yes. You are both right. But you see, I cannot bear the pain of it. I cannot bear his pain...especially if he feels trapped and feels he cannot overcome it. It is completely irrational. I have tried to talk to him logically. He is a gorgeous man. Everybody thinks he is a heartthrob. He focuses on slight balding but he also feels ugly too. He developed this body dysmorphic disorder when he was 20 when his Hep B worsened (he was born with it.) Both of us freaked out. I think he transferred his anxiety, (and rage at his birth parents, from whom he acquired it) onto his appearance. Which is to say that I believe that his feelings about his appearance are functional for him--they serve a purpose. So, SWOT, when I came home tonight my son said to me this:[I] I am sorry for our conversation last night. I have more perspective today. I am going to do what I can about a college course. I understand what you said and I want to try.[/I] Now, it may be lip service or not. Trying to please and placate and manipulate. Or not. I hear what you are saying SWOT. To lay off on the pressure and to not force him or pressure him to meet my goals. I see that. I did say to him:[I] Son, M found a lighter in the yard and he fears you are smoking marijuana. Do you think your depressed mood last night was related to that? No. I have been trying to cut down my addiction to caffeine (he takes caffeine pills) and the caffeine withdrawal affects me the same way, to make me depressed.[/I] You see, SWOT, I do not want my son to be mentally ill. I am doing everything in my power to pressure him to change. I write this knowing that it is wrong and unrealistic. I seem to be unwilling to change. You know, I really love my son near me. I love that he is here. I can almost stand the part that he has no motivation or initiative and no goals that are realistic. *Except that I worry a great deal about when I die and his being unable to manage his affairs, or that he may be alone. What feels unbearable is when he is sad. [/QUOTE]
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