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I am new here with 37 yr old at home- and hope I can find and give help.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 748120" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome ms2019. I'm sorry you're struggling with your son's behavior & choices, when our adult children go off the rails, for whatever reason, it's extremely challenging for us, the parents.</p><p></p><p>You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. A good book that may help is Codependent no more, by Melodie Beattie.</p><p></p><p>Your son's behaviors are holding you hostage to his addiction, you may want to post on the Substance abuse forum as well. It will be helpful for you to find support for yourself, most often it is NOT our adult kids who change........<u><strong><em>it's US.</em></strong></u> To that end I would encourage you to seek counsel for your dysfunctional connection with your son. Many of us here go to Al Anon, Families Anonymous, CoDA, Narc Anon......any 12 step group that will support you in creating strong boundaries around your son's behaviors and offer you assistance in finding healthy ways to take care of yourself, in spite of your son's choices.</p><p></p><p>Professional help is a viable avenue of support for all of us here. You can find therapists in your area on the Psychology Today website, here's the link: <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists?gclid=Cj0KCQjwnpXmBRDUARIsAEo71tRoEp9UN6jeSfxKIqFb7bytAYRyET_HxAfOMx9tDQjZzrYwVlsq-gkaAnDOEALw_wcB" target="_blank">Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - Psychology Today</a></p><p>You can also find therapists in your area at good therapy.org: <a href="https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html" target="_blank">Find a Therapist</a></p><p></p><p>NAMI, is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have chapters in many cities and offer excellent courses for parents..... NAMI would likely be a benefit for you to offer YOU support, guidance, information and possible resources for your son. Here's the link: <a href="https://www.nami.org/Find-Support" target="_blank">Find Support | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness</a></p><p></p><p>Another resource you can research is The Delaney House, here's the link: <a href="http://www.delanceystreetfoundation.org" target="_blank">Delancey Street Foundation - Home</a></p><p></p><p>You are not helping your son by giving him everything he requires while he does nothing to help himself. That is the classic definition of enabling/codependency. If you truly want to change, then you will have to do the heavy lifting of change which will require you to set strong boundaries to take care of yourself. Threats of suicide are often manipulative tactics to get the enabler to continue enabling, however, one option many parents find works is to call the police every time your son threatens suicide and allow him to face the consequences of the threat. </p><p></p><p>Your son is manipulating you to gain whatever he wants. I would strongly encourage you to seek support for yourself to learn how to deal with a substance abuser who is abusing you, manipulating you, lying to you and continuing his obnoxious behavior without any consequences. You matter too. You deserve a life of your own. You are not responsible for your son. Your son is responsible for himself. He is a grown man, it's time for him to man up and figure out his own life. To that end, please seek support of some kind, continue posting and put your needs and your desires FIRST, put yourself as the priority.</p><p></p><p>My daughter is 46 and until I began learning how to stop enabling her, I was dragged around by her negative choices, I was on a hamster wheel which I could not get off of and my life was filled with anger, disappointment, resentment, sorrow, guilt, fear, obligation and an overblown sense of my responsibility to others. It took a "village" for me to stop. I entered a 2 year long course on codependency which changed my life. I had weekly therapy, a weekly parent support group, I attended 12 step groups, wrote on this forum daily and read every book I could which I thought might help. It was a process of learning how to care for MYSELF, how to love myself, accept what I cannot change, set boundaries and make choices which were in support of MY well being. I had to learn how to say NO. Once I did, like many of our adult kids, my daughter upped the ante.......their behavior gets worse as they begin to realize we are not allowing them to hold us hostage any longer. However, with massive support, I held on. Over time, it all shifted and my daughter began to change. She is finding her own way now and we are developing an entirely new relationship. It's not easy, in fact, it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but we are both now on a much healthier, calmer, more peaceful path.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there ms2019, you've taken an important step in recognizing that change is necessary. Continue posting, it helps. Find support for YOU. Put yourself FIRST. We'll circle our wagons around you as you find the appropriate path for yourself. Be very kind to yourself. <strong><em><u>Take care of YOU.</u></em></strong></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 748120, member: 13542"] Welcome ms2019. I'm sorry you're struggling with your son's behavior & choices, when our adult children go off the rails, for whatever reason, it's extremely challenging for us, the parents. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. A good book that may help is Codependent no more, by Melodie Beattie. Your son's behaviors are holding you hostage to his addiction, you may want to post on the Substance abuse forum as well. It will be helpful for you to find support for yourself, most often it is NOT our adult kids who change........[U][B][I]it's US.[/I][/B][/U] To that end I would encourage you to seek counsel for your dysfunctional connection with your son. Many of us here go to Al Anon, Families Anonymous, CoDA, Narc Anon......any 12 step group that will support you in creating strong boundaries around your son's behaviors and offer you assistance in finding healthy ways to take care of yourself, in spite of your son's choices. Professional help is a viable avenue of support for all of us here. You can find therapists in your area on the Psychology Today website, here's the link: [URL="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists?gclid=Cj0KCQjwnpXmBRDUARIsAEo71tRoEp9UN6jeSfxKIqFb7bytAYRyET_HxAfOMx9tDQjZzrYwVlsq-gkaAnDOEALw_wcB"]Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - Psychology Today[/URL] You can also find therapists in your area at good therapy.org: [URL="https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html"]Find a Therapist[/URL] NAMI, is the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they have chapters in many cities and offer excellent courses for parents..... NAMI would likely be a benefit for you to offer YOU support, guidance, information and possible resources for your son. Here's the link: [URL="https://www.nami.org/Find-Support"]Find Support | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness[/URL] Another resource you can research is The Delaney House, here's the link: [URL="http://www.delanceystreetfoundation.org"]Delancey Street Foundation - Home[/URL] You are not helping your son by giving him everything he requires while he does nothing to help himself. That is the classic definition of enabling/codependency. If you truly want to change, then you will have to do the heavy lifting of change which will require you to set strong boundaries to take care of yourself. Threats of suicide are often manipulative tactics to get the enabler to continue enabling, however, one option many parents find works is to call the police every time your son threatens suicide and allow him to face the consequences of the threat. Your son is manipulating you to gain whatever he wants. I would strongly encourage you to seek support for yourself to learn how to deal with a substance abuser who is abusing you, manipulating you, lying to you and continuing his obnoxious behavior without any consequences. You matter too. You deserve a life of your own. You are not responsible for your son. Your son is responsible for himself. He is a grown man, it's time for him to man up and figure out his own life. To that end, please seek support of some kind, continue posting and put your needs and your desires FIRST, put yourself as the priority. My daughter is 46 and until I began learning how to stop enabling her, I was dragged around by her negative choices, I was on a hamster wheel which I could not get off of and my life was filled with anger, disappointment, resentment, sorrow, guilt, fear, obligation and an overblown sense of my responsibility to others. It took a "village" for me to stop. I entered a 2 year long course on codependency which changed my life. I had weekly therapy, a weekly parent support group, I attended 12 step groups, wrote on this forum daily and read every book I could which I thought might help. It was a process of learning how to care for MYSELF, how to love myself, accept what I cannot change, set boundaries and make choices which were in support of MY well being. I had to learn how to say NO. Once I did, like many of our adult kids, my daughter upped the ante.......their behavior gets worse as they begin to realize we are not allowing them to hold us hostage any longer. However, with massive support, I held on. Over time, it all shifted and my daughter began to change. She is finding her own way now and we are developing an entirely new relationship. It's not easy, in fact, it was the hardest thing I've ever done, but we are both now on a much healthier, calmer, more peaceful path. Hang in there ms2019, you've taken an important step in recognizing that change is necessary. Continue posting, it helps. Find support for YOU. Put yourself FIRST. We'll circle our wagons around you as you find the appropriate path for yourself. Be very kind to yourself. [B][I][U]Take care of YOU.[/U][/I][/B] [/QUOTE]
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I am new here with 37 yr old at home- and hope I can find and give help.
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