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Message: <blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 641727" data-attributes="member: 13542">I know those feelings quite well, having lived with them myself. My bio family is riddled with mental illness and my son in law committed suicide which is what sent my daughter, my only child spinning out of control. I understand. I know how hard it is to stop blaming yourself as the parent of a child who has gone off the rails.  However, realistically , you have done what you could for your son, you have given him many, many opportunities and for whatever reason he is not accepting help. Mental illness is extremely difficult for the rest of the family. It sounds as if you've been dealing with it in one form or another in your family for a long, long time.I feel your pain. It can rob you of every ounce of happiness. Particularly if you feel responsible. Feeling responsible in families where mental illness reigns, is a common response to what we have no control over. It is a mindset, not a truth. With a lot of help,  I got out from under that rock. It likely goes beyond your present situation with your son and goes back to your younger years when your Dad and grandfather committed suicide. It is very common for children to feel responsible for what the adults around them do. It is not your burden to carry, but it will likely take support to let it go.You may find solace in some books.....Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie, The four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, any books by Pema Chodron, Youtube videos by Brene Brown, particularly the one on Shame and vulnerability and books or youtube videos by Eckhart Tolle.  Those all helped me a lot.Guilt is what a humorist called Erma Bombeck called "the gift that keeps on giving." Unfortunately what guilt does is demand a need for punishment. We punish ourselves by eliminating joy because how can we be happy when we are responsible for so much suffering in our kids lives?  Well, we are not responsible. And, you can be happy. You can choose it. But it takes work on yourself to do that. You've lived with great loss, unimaginable loss......and I am so sorry for that. I have lived with a lot of loss too. It can certainly color your world. But it is NOT a life sentence. Do something kind for yourself today. You deserve it. Even if you believe you don't, YOU DO. Take steps to stop blaming yourself for what you can't control, you can't control the actions of another. Powerlessness is a difficult concept to understand and accept, but in the acceptance of it, you free yourself from all that blame and guilt.Hang in there. It will get better if you begin focusing on what it is that you need. You are as important as your son.</blockquote>

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