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I called 911 last week re my 20 yo. Looking for support and suggestions going forward
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<blockquote data-quote="Mirabelle" data-source="post: 762482" data-attributes="member: 28712"><p>Hello Ascending and Welcome!</p><p></p><p>I am very glad that you found the site and I hope you will continue to post. It was of great relief to me to find the forum and to realize that I was not the worst parent in the world, and that I most certainly was not alone. There are many loving parents of all kinds on this forum asking the same questions you are asking. </p><p></p><p>When I read your initial posts it took me back a few years to when similar behaviors were going on with my stepson. Low motivation, a sense of entitlement, drug taking which sometimes took him out of reality, no desire to get a job, go to college, or move toward any level of independence.</p><p></p><p>He had gone through a terrible time with his mom from around the age of 10, when she took a serious nosedive into alcoholism. My husband and I committed to providing a safe, predictable, and loving home for him and his sister to try and minimize the impact. Because we felt so badly for him, we allowed him to avoid responsibility and take advantage of our love for him for longer than we should have.</p><p></p><p>I think you did the right thing in having your son removed from your home. I think you did the right thing in regard to redrawing boundaries around how he is to speak to you. Expecting him to be not under the influence when you are in direct contact is also not unreasonable.</p><p></p><p>I know it may seem harsh but at 20, he has no moral or legal right to expect you to have him live with you. If he were respectful, helpful, working and contributing, it would be different. My stepson is now 21 and currently at a shelter. He still refuses to accept our decision to not allow him into our home. One year, when my husband and I were on vacation, he tricked his sister into letting him into our house and then refused to leave, saying it was his house and his bedroom, and he had a right to be there. In his eyes, if he chooses to use drugs and not work, it is our responsibility to make sure he is kept in the style to which he is accustomed because we are his parents. And we are coming up on 4 years of trying to help him to get his life on track and moving in a successful direction.</p><p></p><p>All of this to say, boundaries can be tough to decide on, tough to stick to. It is very helpful to decide for yourself, ahead of time, what you will and will not tolerate. It is ok, if you find yourself stumped in the moment, to tell him you need to think on a question or issue and will get back to him. From how you describe your son, it sounds as though he will not take kindly to a new set of rules and will probably do his best to wear you down. </p><p></p><p>Please please please take care of you. You are 60 and on crutches. You do not need to be subjected to abuse and violence by a strong young man. You will be of no help to him if you are not around to help him.</p><p></p><p>Please continue posting! Let us support and walk with you.</p><p></p><p>With love, </p><p>Mirabelle</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mirabelle, post: 762482, member: 28712"] Hello Ascending and Welcome! I am very glad that you found the site and I hope you will continue to post. It was of great relief to me to find the forum and to realize that I was not the worst parent in the world, and that I most certainly was not alone. There are many loving parents of all kinds on this forum asking the same questions you are asking. When I read your initial posts it took me back a few years to when similar behaviors were going on with my stepson. Low motivation, a sense of entitlement, drug taking which sometimes took him out of reality, no desire to get a job, go to college, or move toward any level of independence. He had gone through a terrible time with his mom from around the age of 10, when she took a serious nosedive into alcoholism. My husband and I committed to providing a safe, predictable, and loving home for him and his sister to try and minimize the impact. Because we felt so badly for him, we allowed him to avoid responsibility and take advantage of our love for him for longer than we should have. I think you did the right thing in having your son removed from your home. I think you did the right thing in regard to redrawing boundaries around how he is to speak to you. Expecting him to be not under the influence when you are in direct contact is also not unreasonable. I know it may seem harsh but at 20, he has no moral or legal right to expect you to have him live with you. If he were respectful, helpful, working and contributing, it would be different. My stepson is now 21 and currently at a shelter. He still refuses to accept our decision to not allow him into our home. One year, when my husband and I were on vacation, he tricked his sister into letting him into our house and then refused to leave, saying it was his house and his bedroom, and he had a right to be there. In his eyes, if he chooses to use drugs and not work, it is our responsibility to make sure he is kept in the style to which he is accustomed because we are his parents. And we are coming up on 4 years of trying to help him to get his life on track and moving in a successful direction. All of this to say, boundaries can be tough to decide on, tough to stick to. It is very helpful to decide for yourself, ahead of time, what you will and will not tolerate. It is ok, if you find yourself stumped in the moment, to tell him you need to think on a question or issue and will get back to him. From how you describe your son, it sounds as though he will not take kindly to a new set of rules and will probably do his best to wear you down. Please please please take care of you. You are 60 and on crutches. You do not need to be subjected to abuse and violence by a strong young man. You will be of no help to him if you are not around to help him. Please continue posting! Let us support and walk with you. With love, Mirabelle [/QUOTE]
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I called 911 last week re my 20 yo. Looking for support and suggestions going forward
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