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I contacted him after 5 days
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 739286" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I don't think you need to feel bad about what you did, at all. We have no control over what they do, but we are their mothers after all. That is what mothers do. They worry about their kids. </p><p></p><p>What I am trying to do is try to locate myself in myself. And to not so much agonize about doing the right thing for my son, as if there is some thing I can do and some way that I can do it that will have a result in them. This is the fantasy I had for far too long.</p><p></p><p>My son is suffering now because he does not know what to do or say to get things back where they were, where he could do most anything, and I was still in the arena. He has gone to a metro a few hours from here, and I believe he is homeless.</p><p></p><p>It has been about 6 or 7 weeks since we changed our program. We went from victims to dominators. What we are dominating is our space. We will no longer allow it to be overrun and our psyches to be overrun. It took a couple of weeks of calling the police multiple times, for him to stop squatting and basically terrorizing me.</p><p></p><p>At first there was radio silence. Then he tried to resume contact by putting me on the defensive by being mean and aggressive, by text. When I did not take the bait, he got sad, stooping to send me an emoticon (never before happened.) And this morning he texted something like, "you don't love me anymore, do you?"</p><p></p><p>I deliberated about what to respond. What would he understand? What would make him grasp that it is not about whether or not I love him (which to him means that I tolerate whatever he dishes out.) Until I caught myself. There is no response on my part that will have an effect. My responses effect me, not him. And I have no control over whether or not he ever grasps that the dialog that has power is the one he has within himself.</p><p></p><p>So all I wrote was, that's ridiculous. Of course I loved him, but that this had to do now with his questions to himself, what it would be to act as if he loved himself. He wrote back he misses us and the animals, adding "be well."</p><p></p><p>I felt that was as good as I could expect, but I had to accept whatever it was.</p><p></p><p>And I went along with my merry day. I am back to brasilian jiu jitsu, the very, very modified version.</p><p></p><p>Bluebell. You need NOT be concerned if you do the right thing. There is NO right thing. He is in control of and responsible for his life, not you. Your life is fine thank you.</p><p></p><p>Our task here is getting ourselves back into our own lives and selves. Little by little, we are doing it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 739286, member: 18958"] I don't think you need to feel bad about what you did, at all. We have no control over what they do, but we are their mothers after all. That is what mothers do. They worry about their kids. What I am trying to do is try to locate myself in myself. And to not so much agonize about doing the right thing for my son, as if there is some thing I can do and some way that I can do it that will have a result in them. This is the fantasy I had for far too long. My son is suffering now because he does not know what to do or say to get things back where they were, where he could do most anything, and I was still in the arena. He has gone to a metro a few hours from here, and I believe he is homeless. It has been about 6 or 7 weeks since we changed our program. We went from victims to dominators. What we are dominating is our space. We will no longer allow it to be overrun and our psyches to be overrun. It took a couple of weeks of calling the police multiple times, for him to stop squatting and basically terrorizing me. At first there was radio silence. Then he tried to resume contact by putting me on the defensive by being mean and aggressive, by text. When I did not take the bait, he got sad, stooping to send me an emoticon (never before happened.) And this morning he texted something like, "you don't love me anymore, do you?" I deliberated about what to respond. What would he understand? What would make him grasp that it is not about whether or not I love him (which to him means that I tolerate whatever he dishes out.) Until I caught myself. There is no response on my part that will have an effect. My responses effect me, not him. And I have no control over whether or not he ever grasps that the dialog that has power is the one he has within himself. So all I wrote was, that's ridiculous. Of course I loved him, but that this had to do now with his questions to himself, what it would be to act as if he loved himself. He wrote back he misses us and the animals, adding "be well." I felt that was as good as I could expect, but I had to accept whatever it was. And I went along with my merry day. I am back to brasilian jiu jitsu, the very, very modified version. Bluebell. You need NOT be concerned if you do the right thing. There is NO right thing. He is in control of and responsible for his life, not you. Your life is fine thank you. Our task here is getting ourselves back into our own lives and selves. Little by little, we are doing it. [/QUOTE]
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