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Substance Abuse
I defend my son I feel there is a reason for behavior
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 619219" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>So...what are you going to do? Do you think you can fix your son? Did ALL of your kids react like him? Do you think it's okay that he breaks the law because of his genetics or some bad things happening to him?</p><p></p><p>What do I think? I think you should stop helping your son, stop making excuses for his bad choices, and admit he is an adult who does what he WANTS to do and knows he has you in his back pocket to manipulative. But, hey, I'm on the outside looking in.</p><p></p><p>One thing I do know. You can not control anyone...not your son, your husband, or anyone...other than one very important person...yourself. You don't have to sit and worry about what you did in the past and about what happened in your family...many kids have far worse to deal with and are thriving. The past is over. The future is what your son makes of it. If he is mentally ill only HE can make himself well. He has to take control of his illness, which may include a personality disorder. Not saying it does, but many of our difficult child's are a bit antisocial or narcicistic. Breaking the law, thinking rules don't apply to him, is a red flag that he is rebellious and surly and disrespectful of society. It doesn't matter why. If he keeps it up, he'll never do any better. He needs to know that YOU believe he can do better...and he won't if you make excuses for him.</p><p></p><p>I suggest reading the excellent article on detachment here <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> I'm sorry for your hurting mommy heart, but glad you found us.We all felt like you did at one time. I didn't even realize I could have a happy life if one of my kids's wasn't happy. I used to be extremely codependent. Actually, if your son refuses to straighten his act out, and I don't care whta happened in his youth, I would want to give him a timetable to pack his bags as well. Heck, I called the police on my daughter when she used drugs and I found out. I was hoping she'd get the message that it was not ok with me. I had to kick her out...she quit using any drugs, even cigarettes. I think tough love is the best medicine, plus my house was very peaceful after she left.</p><p></p><p>We are best friends now. She thinks I did the right thing, but everyone is different. Your son has a genetic history of drug addiction. I would never ever enable that or add to that by giving him money or allowing myself to make him comfortable while he did the very thing that killed his father.</p><p></p><p>Take the focus off of him and focus on yourself. If you are unhappy in your marriage, seek counseling or divorce the man. But I can't blame him for being down on your son. If he was your stepson and not your son, how would you feel about what he has done? Has he stolen from you? Sworn at you, attacked you, come close to hitting you, destroyed your property, intimidated anyone in the house? Is he disrespectful?</p><p></p><p>You deserve to be treated like the loving, caring person that you are...and somebody can treat you that way right now...yourself <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Do get therapy and maybe join a twelve step group. You have been through a lot and deserve some friends and some help. And you need to learn how to take good care of yourself while not trying to fix everyone else. You can't. You can't even make a dent in anyone else. We can only control ourselves.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 619219, member: 1550"] So...what are you going to do? Do you think you can fix your son? Did ALL of your kids react like him? Do you think it's okay that he breaks the law because of his genetics or some bad things happening to him? What do I think? I think you should stop helping your son, stop making excuses for his bad choices, and admit he is an adult who does what he WANTS to do and knows he has you in his back pocket to manipulative. But, hey, I'm on the outside looking in. One thing I do know. You can not control anyone...not your son, your husband, or anyone...other than one very important person...yourself. You don't have to sit and worry about what you did in the past and about what happened in your family...many kids have far worse to deal with and are thriving. The past is over. The future is what your son makes of it. If he is mentally ill only HE can make himself well. He has to take control of his illness, which may include a personality disorder. Not saying it does, but many of our difficult child's are a bit antisocial or narcicistic. Breaking the law, thinking rules don't apply to him, is a red flag that he is rebellious and surly and disrespectful of society. It doesn't matter why. If he keeps it up, he'll never do any better. He needs to know that YOU believe he can do better...and he won't if you make excuses for him. I suggest reading the excellent article on detachment here :) I'm sorry for your hurting mommy heart, but glad you found us.We all felt like you did at one time. I didn't even realize I could have a happy life if one of my kids's wasn't happy. I used to be extremely codependent. Actually, if your son refuses to straighten his act out, and I don't care whta happened in his youth, I would want to give him a timetable to pack his bags as well. Heck, I called the police on my daughter when she used drugs and I found out. I was hoping she'd get the message that it was not ok with me. I had to kick her out...she quit using any drugs, even cigarettes. I think tough love is the best medicine, plus my house was very peaceful after she left. We are best friends now. She thinks I did the right thing, but everyone is different. Your son has a genetic history of drug addiction. I would never ever enable that or add to that by giving him money or allowing myself to make him comfortable while he did the very thing that killed his father. Take the focus off of him and focus on yourself. If you are unhappy in your marriage, seek counseling or divorce the man. But I can't blame him for being down on your son. If he was your stepson and not your son, how would you feel about what he has done? Has he stolen from you? Sworn at you, attacked you, come close to hitting you, destroyed your property, intimidated anyone in the house? Is he disrespectful? You deserve to be treated like the loving, caring person that you are...and somebody can treat you that way right now...yourself :) Do get therapy and maybe join a twelve step group. You have been through a lot and deserve some friends and some help. And you need to learn how to take good care of yourself while not trying to fix everyone else. You can't. You can't even make a dent in anyone else. We can only control ourselves. [/QUOTE]
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