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I don't know how to repair the broken relationship with my daughter
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 747508" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>After reading Acacia's post I have been reading a little bit about parental alienation, and read about mother shaming. It sounds as if this is what was happening. And that you felt all of this was your fault and you internalized the shame and guilt. The last thing it was was your fault. Nor should it be your shame.</p><p>The original mover was your husband. He was the one whose needs and motivations pulled for and created and manipulated and maintained this triad. He seems to have decided that your daughter was his real "partner," setting up a situation where you were the interloper in your own marriage and home.</p><p></p><p>While it looked like it was your daughter doing the rejecting of you, she was only being manipulated like a puppet by her father.</p><p></p><p>There was no way to win for you, because number one, you were normal, and as such did not and could not have seen such a dynamic. But worst of all, because your daughter was the real victim.</p><p></p><p>Your baseline was to care for her, to protect her, and to help her develop. It was this that her father sabotaged. She was victimized by her father in so many ways: he turned her against her mother who she needed and still needs. How can she develop as an adult woman, without resolving her feelings towards you? And then, how could she not be angry at you for not protecting her, FROM HIM?</p><p></p><p>None of this is your fault. She was victim number 1. You were victim number 2. He set up and controlled the whole thing.This is sick. And very, very wrong.</p><p></p><p>I will add something here. As long as you beseech her (some of this is inevitable, we do yearn for them), giving the set-up the power, I think, you are acting from the bottom position in the sick triad that your ex husband set up. Your job now (I think) is to put yourself in the center and on top in yourself and your life. In that center, your daughter, in time, will come to you. And you will be there for her whole and strong. So. Every single thing you do to care for yourself, I believe, is the way FOR HER TO WALK BACK TO YOU, and to herself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 747508, member: 18958"] After reading Acacia's post I have been reading a little bit about parental alienation, and read about mother shaming. It sounds as if this is what was happening. And that you felt all of this was your fault and you internalized the shame and guilt. The last thing it was was your fault. Nor should it be your shame. The original mover was your husband. He was the one whose needs and motivations pulled for and created and manipulated and maintained this triad. He seems to have decided that your daughter was his real "partner," setting up a situation where you were the interloper in your own marriage and home. While it looked like it was your daughter doing the rejecting of you, she was only being manipulated like a puppet by her father. There was no way to win for you, because number one, you were normal, and as such did not and could not have seen such a dynamic. But worst of all, because your daughter was the real victim. Your baseline was to care for her, to protect her, and to help her develop. It was this that her father sabotaged. She was victimized by her father in so many ways: he turned her against her mother who she needed and still needs. How can she develop as an adult woman, without resolving her feelings towards you? And then, how could she not be angry at you for not protecting her, FROM HIM? None of this is your fault. She was victim number 1. You were victim number 2. He set up and controlled the whole thing.This is sick. And very, very wrong. I will add something here. As long as you beseech her (some of this is inevitable, we do yearn for them), giving the set-up the power, I think, you are acting from the bottom position in the sick triad that your ex husband set up. Your job now (I think) is to put yourself in the center and on top in yourself and your life. In that center, your daughter, in time, will come to you. And you will be there for her whole and strong. So. Every single thing you do to care for yourself, I believe, is the way FOR HER TO WALK BACK TO YOU, and to herself. [/QUOTE]
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I don't know how to repair the broken relationship with my daughter
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