Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
I had to say it...
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 687736" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I think of it as a developmental challenge rather than developmental stage.I wonder if we all do. </p><p></p><p>It is not that our kids do not understand they are separate and apart. They know. But they have to achieve it. They both want to and do not want to be independent. That is the conflict. </p><p></p><p>And then it gets more complicated because there are noxious and difficult things to deal with in their own heads, and personalities. They use us in order to deal with those conflicts. How much easier and better does it feel for your daughter to feel that it is your feeling, your fault, your attribute--then something in and about her.</p><p>Here you are talking about the end of the road, the pinnacle of adult achievement, maybe even moral development. I do not believe my own parents ever really achieved this understanding fully.</p><p></p><p>I believe my son grasps it in the abstract but not in the day to day living of it. My challenge is to stay in the game so that he can use our relationship to gain mastery. Just as it was when he was a toddler or child. </p><p></p><p>One could ask why it is my responsibility to stay in the game when he is 27 years old. I guess I am accepting of what you say--"we are responsible not only to and for ourselves, but to and for others." I had not really ever thought about this before.</p><p></p><p>I want to see this through for us. I want my son to continue developing. I want to be in his life. There for him. I am so grateful that our life is proceeding where I can be.</p><p></p><p>You may have read in other posts that I was able to buy a fixer upper property to fix up for my son to live. It was a wild impulse decision. I had no idea if it would work or how. </p><p></p><p>Well. The first positive to come of it was my son was so moved that I would do such a thing. He was visibly affected with gratitude. He was so happy there would be this buffer between him and the street. So happy that he could have permanence and security. </p><p></p><p>But he did not know how to sustain it. He did not know how to build it. To build a future. For himself or with us.</p><p></p><p>And then he fell apart. He resumed some of the behaviors that were noxious. We would have none of it. But know we had a carrot. We worked on the stick.</p><p></p><p>Well. We tightened up. And more and more, we kept tightening up. Gradually, we imposed more and more requirements, and tolerated less and less of his imposition of his rules. On us.</p><p></p><p>The more and more he conformed the more and more we allowed him close in to our lives. Somehow in a parallel way, he began, I think, thinking differently about himself. He beefed up. I mean that in substance. In the ability to curb his negativity with us, and more importantly in himself.</p><p></p><p>I do not know how and why this worked this way. Maybe I am dreaming it and in a few hours you will see a new thread proclaiming my despair.</p><p></p><p>He works with us every day now. He is still doing kid stuff, like weeding, and sweeping, and picking up rocks, papering over windows to spray paint the interior. You get the picture. </p><p></p><p>But M is talking about him graduating to more substantial work. Like painting.</p><p></p><p>When he first successfully completed a big job independently and M gave him praise, I hugged and hugged him. He beamed.</p><p></p><p>What we are seeking here is a changed way of them seeing themselves and the awareness, the conviction that we can see them positively. The bi-product is the relationship.</p><p></p><p>I do not know how I had the insight or courage to take the steps I have taken. Actually, I do not believe I had either one. M, my SO, did. He wanted and needed to act on behalf of my son. He is the one who believed that it was a process and that my son would change only in relationship to us. He was right.</p><p></p><p>It has been very hard on M. He is exasperated. And angry at my son. Our roles have changed somewhat. Now I am the one with hope.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 687736, member: 18958"] I think of it as a developmental challenge rather than developmental stage.I wonder if we all do. It is not that our kids do not understand they are separate and apart. They know. But they have to achieve it. They both want to and do not want to be independent. That is the conflict. And then it gets more complicated because there are noxious and difficult things to deal with in their own heads, and personalities. They use us in order to deal with those conflicts. How much easier and better does it feel for your daughter to feel that it is your feeling, your fault, your attribute--then something in and about her. Here you are talking about the end of the road, the pinnacle of adult achievement, maybe even moral development. I do not believe my own parents ever really achieved this understanding fully. I believe my son grasps it in the abstract but not in the day to day living of it. My challenge is to stay in the game so that he can use our relationship to gain mastery. Just as it was when he was a toddler or child. One could ask why it is my responsibility to stay in the game when he is 27 years old. I guess I am accepting of what you say--"we are responsible not only to and for ourselves, but to and for others." I had not really ever thought about this before. I want to see this through for us. I want my son to continue developing. I want to be in his life. There for him. I am so grateful that our life is proceeding where I can be. You may have read in other posts that I was able to buy a fixer upper property to fix up for my son to live. It was a wild impulse decision. I had no idea if it would work or how. Well. The first positive to come of it was my son was so moved that I would do such a thing. He was visibly affected with gratitude. He was so happy there would be this buffer between him and the street. So happy that he could have permanence and security. But he did not know how to sustain it. He did not know how to build it. To build a future. For himself or with us. And then he fell apart. He resumed some of the behaviors that were noxious. We would have none of it. But know we had a carrot. We worked on the stick. Well. We tightened up. And more and more, we kept tightening up. Gradually, we imposed more and more requirements, and tolerated less and less of his imposition of his rules. On us. The more and more he conformed the more and more we allowed him close in to our lives. Somehow in a parallel way, he began, I think, thinking differently about himself. He beefed up. I mean that in substance. In the ability to curb his negativity with us, and more importantly in himself. I do not know how and why this worked this way. Maybe I am dreaming it and in a few hours you will see a new thread proclaiming my despair. He works with us every day now. He is still doing kid stuff, like weeding, and sweeping, and picking up rocks, papering over windows to spray paint the interior. You get the picture. But M is talking about him graduating to more substantial work. Like painting. When he first successfully completed a big job independently and M gave him praise, I hugged and hugged him. He beamed. What we are seeking here is a changed way of them seeing themselves and the awareness, the conviction that we can see them positively. The bi-product is the relationship. I do not know how I had the insight or courage to take the steps I have taken. Actually, I do not believe I had either one. M, my SO, did. He wanted and needed to act on behalf of my son. He is the one who believed that it was a process and that my son would change only in relationship to us. He was right. It has been very hard on M. He is exasperated. And angry at my son. Our roles have changed somewhat. Now I am the one with hope. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
I had to say it...
Top