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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 689104" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>New Leaf, that was a beautiful post. You sound strong and clear. I do not think it changes much to have just one child. I believe Lil and Jabber would fight for their boy, even with five more behind him. I think there are so many factors, and like you say, there is an end of the road, too. Not to love, but to trying...when you realize you are out there alone. But what seems an end, can only be a curve. Or fog that clears.</p><p></p><p>I agree. Addiction to hard drugs closes a door. Addiction is personal. There is no room for parents there, except for moral support, and on an individual basis, probably for younger adults, financial help for a time with conditions.</p><p></p><p>But for many of our kids, and many of us, keeping on, has a rationale and a purpose. I agree with you here:</p><p>I will use my own son as an example. Who for sure lies. And does manipulate if he has a chance. Including triangulating, for sure. He has hurt us. Not bad. Or intentionally. I am not afraid of him. Nor is M. And he is a drama queen, for sure.</p><p></p><p>But there is a huge difference in one year, to the better. Extremely better. There is not one dimension on which he has not improved.</p><p></p><p>Partly it is the training on this site which has made a difference. While I cannot catch everything right away, I catch it eventually. We do not anymore allow triangulation to happen. It just does not work. The coercive effects of the lying, too, is lessened as I do not believe anything anymore. Hardly a long-term remedy, but it works. We refuse any drug use at all. One time, marijuana. You are gone. We are vigilant, now. We know how he changes when he uses. We threw him out.</p><p></p><p>No more school. No more investment in his medical care. If he wants to die, what can I do? He works full time or he leaves any space we control. Period. No breaks to go to the store. And he completes a task in the time it would take another worker. In other words, no breaks for him.</p><p></p><p>So there is that. I have changed.</p><p></p><p>But I have changed in becoming softer, too. More open to my love for him. More open to enjoying him. I am letting the good of him in.</p><p></p><p>Both of us so much craved this. What a long winter unable to love my son openly. It is like a blooming garden to be able to look at him with eyes of love, and open heart, just because he is who he is and nobody more. *Today I feasted my eyes. He is gorgeous. Just utterly gorgeous. (The other night the emergency vet for Dolly was just so gorgeous. My son is too. Yet even this I suppressed.)</p><p></p><p>Something happened to cool my rage. I was so furious at my son. I do not know where all of that anger went, but it is gone. I am neither angry at him or at myself.</p><p></p><p>My sense of obligation has lessened and at the same time increased. My sense of self-blame, altogether seems to have vanished. I know I do not have to do one thing. But I want to.</p><p></p><p>My obligation now is felt differently.</p><p></p><p>I want to hold out a hand to him to live better. And now when I do he accepts it and does not push me down or away.</p><p></p><p>I am not sure why he is changed. I speculate. Maybe maturity. Maybe all other doors are closed. Maybe life the way he was living was just too hard. Maybe self-esteem won out. Maybe he just needed time to get back here. To who he always was, just more grown up.</p><p></p><p>This process of detachment we are going through not only serves to protect us, <em>it can bear fruit. </em>For us and for our children. </p><p></p><p>Staying in the game (recognizing the need for time outs, even cancellations) can make sense, under certain circumstances with some kids; with some parents.</p><p></p><p>We change. They change. And then we come together changed. Or we do one thing different. Without expectation. Just hope. And with that, there is a gust of possibility, and then, it becomes real.</p><p></p><p>We deserve safety, security, peace. A haven. For ourselves and our children.</p><p></p><p>But sometimes havens start out in conflict-ridden and barren terrain. They are created out of rock and even snow and ice. They are not necessarily made safe by exclusion but by inclusion too. By openness and judicious risk-taking. And hope. We invite in strangers...with strong and open hearts. Sometimes, with some fear. Sometimes these strangers become part of us. Sometimes, like so many of our kids, they once were. And sometimes, like in my own case, risking to have my son back awakened something deep inside of me that had gone to sleep.</p><p></p><p>I think Lil and Jabber are coming from this place. It is who they are.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 689104, member: 18958"] New Leaf, that was a beautiful post. You sound strong and clear. I do not think it changes much to have just one child. I believe Lil and Jabber would fight for their boy, even with five more behind him. I think there are so many factors, and like you say, there is an end of the road, too. Not to love, but to trying...when you realize you are out there alone. But what seems an end, can only be a curve. Or fog that clears. I agree. Addiction to hard drugs closes a door. Addiction is personal. There is no room for parents there, except for moral support, and on an individual basis, probably for younger adults, financial help for a time with conditions. But for many of our kids, and many of us, keeping on, has a rationale and a purpose. I agree with you here: I will use my own son as an example. Who for sure lies. And does manipulate if he has a chance. Including triangulating, for sure. He has hurt us. Not bad. Or intentionally. I am not afraid of him. Nor is M. And he is a drama queen, for sure. But there is a huge difference in one year, to the better. Extremely better. There is not one dimension on which he has not improved. Partly it is the training on this site which has made a difference. While I cannot catch everything right away, I catch it eventually. We do not anymore allow triangulation to happen. It just does not work. The coercive effects of the lying, too, is lessened as I do not believe anything anymore. Hardly a long-term remedy, but it works. We refuse any drug use at all. One time, marijuana. You are gone. We are vigilant, now. We know how he changes when he uses. We threw him out. No more school. No more investment in his medical care. If he wants to die, what can I do? He works full time or he leaves any space we control. Period. No breaks to go to the store. And he completes a task in the time it would take another worker. In other words, no breaks for him. So there is that. I have changed. But I have changed in becoming softer, too. More open to my love for him. More open to enjoying him. I am letting the good of him in. Both of us so much craved this. What a long winter unable to love my son openly. It is like a blooming garden to be able to look at him with eyes of love, and open heart, just because he is who he is and nobody more. *Today I feasted my eyes. He is gorgeous. Just utterly gorgeous. (The other night the emergency vet for Dolly was just so gorgeous. My son is too. Yet even this I suppressed.) Something happened to cool my rage. I was so furious at my son. I do not know where all of that anger went, but it is gone. I am neither angry at him or at myself. My sense of obligation has lessened and at the same time increased. My sense of self-blame, altogether seems to have vanished. I know I do not have to do one thing. But I want to. My obligation now is felt differently. I want to hold out a hand to him to live better. And now when I do he accepts it and does not push me down or away. I am not sure why he is changed. I speculate. Maybe maturity. Maybe all other doors are closed. Maybe life the way he was living was just too hard. Maybe self-esteem won out. Maybe he just needed time to get back here. To who he always was, just more grown up. This process of detachment we are going through not only serves to protect us, [I]it can bear fruit. [/I]For us and for our children. Staying in the game (recognizing the need for time outs, even cancellations) can make sense, under certain circumstances with some kids; with some parents. We change. They change. And then we come together changed. Or we do one thing different. Without expectation. Just hope. And with that, there is a gust of possibility, and then, it becomes real. We deserve safety, security, peace. A haven. For ourselves and our children. But sometimes havens start out in conflict-ridden and barren terrain. They are created out of rock and even snow and ice. They are not necessarily made safe by exclusion but by inclusion too. By openness and judicious risk-taking. And hope. We invite in strangers...with strong and open hearts. Sometimes, with some fear. Sometimes these strangers become part of us. Sometimes, like so many of our kids, they once were. And sometimes, like in my own case, risking to have my son back awakened something deep inside of me that had gone to sleep. I think Lil and Jabber are coming from this place. It is who they are. [/QUOTE]
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