I hate my success

[bluebell]

I've been thinking how can I detach from my son, how can I kick this kid out who abuses me, destroys my property but has major abandonment issues. Then I think of his friends who are forced to scrape by, live in crap-holes, eat crap-food and how he idolizes them. I wonder where are their mothers and fathers and why aren't they being blamed for their whole mess? Why are they all living apart from their parents but my son isn't? Is it because they have detached? But no, it is because they CAN'T help. In many cases it is because they themselves have issues and do not have resources to help. So by my thinking, I am tortured and abused by this thing because of what I have and what I've done with my life. I'm sick. I hate it and want it to stop. I wish I could go live under a bridge and tell him to f* off.
I came from humble beginnings and worked my way to where I am now. For what? So I can sit and guard my nest egg from this monster that I've raised? I feel like a miser now, refusing to let go of any of my hoard. I am not a selfish person, but he is making me this way. I even deny my daughter things because I don't know the next demand/need that will come from my son. And if I say 'No more!' then what happens to him and how do I know the difference that my help would have made. What if I don't get him a lawyer for this felony charge and he ends up with it on his record? He will forever blame me and say that he was going to make things right if I had just helped him.
I know this is messed up what I just wrote. But I needed to write it, to get it out. For you guys to tell me it's not real. It's all in his messed up drug riddled mind.

 

[RN0441]

Bluebell:

I also feel that we are in a position to give our son more than our older children. It's a curse and a blessing.

Can your son get a court appointed attorney since he is an adult? We just paid $750 to get our son's record sealed - no felony - and got a deal from a family friend. We did that for ourselves more than him. He had taken our car without our approval (a week after he turned 18), was high. We had him arrested. Came back to bite us but I am still glad we did it. He didn't think we would.

It has nothing to do with you being selfish. It seems your/our help only prolongs the inevitable.

I have to run to lunch but just wanted to respond.

 

[DoneDad]

Your son is choosing to hang out with people like that. If you gave him money, it's likely he would waste it partying with his "friends" - who would be more than happy to take him for all he's worth. You'd be funding all their drug habits, and you could do that until you have nothing and they'd still want more.

 

[bluebell]

Yes, RN he has a court appointed attorney but I don't think the outcome will be favorable to him vs a private attorney. I'll never forget the school cop that took me aside after his first arrest and said 'Ma'am, this is either going to be his first arrest or his last. And that decision will be his. Don't ever think it's yours to make.'

 

[BusynMember]

He is too old for you to worry about abandonment issues. He can get therapy fot that. Everyone has issues. All of us.

Save yourself. Your son is abusing you. Dont let anyone abuse you..EVER.

I would not spend more money on this man. He will not learn if you always fund his bad decisions.

 

[Tanya M]

Bluebell, I know just how you feel.

Here's my take on it. I have worked hard all my life so I could have a life, a good life. I live in a nice home, I drive a nice car and take nice vacations. I have also helped my son on numerous occasions financially. I have afforded him many opportunities to get his life in order. Each time I've done this, the result is the same, he ends up partying and doing what he wants to do. He wants the benefit of money without having to work for it.
Those of us who have worked hard to have the lives we have should not and are not obligated to help our ungrateful difficult adult children. This does not make us selfish.
If we continue to give our difficult adult children financial help their hand will always be open wanting more.

I'm dealing with this right now. I started a post about letter from prison - now asking for money.
Yes, my son starting his 2 year prison sentence and wants us to send him $200.00

What I can tell you Bluebell is you are not selfish for wanting to hold onto what you have worked so hard for.

((HUGS)) to you....................

 

[recoveringenabler]

Bluebell, I know just how you feel too. I'm sorry.

A couple of years ago I went on a vacation to Hawaii while my only child was essentially homeless....it was a nightmare for me and I posted on this site how conflicted and sad and upset I was. Calamity Jane, another member here, said to me, "what are you supposed to do, wear a hair shirt?" I didn't know what that was so I looked it up and the description of it was so outrageous to me that it made me laugh. I could see the absurdity of it and how much I was willing to suffer because my daughter was struggling with her own choices. My suffering never helped anyone. I began changing my perception after that. (Thank you Calamity Jane!!) I began letting go of the guilt. Remember Erma Bombeck? She said, "guilt is the gift that keeps on giving." I chose not to take that piece of guilt.......

You worked hard, you raised your son, you did your very best.....THAT'S ENOUGH......go enjoy what you worked so hard for.....

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

Bluebell, I am also so very sorry for what you and your family are experiencing with your difficult adult son.

He is no longer the sweet-smelling infant you remember so fondly. He is not the sweet little boy you tucked into bed each night. He is no longer innocent and helpless. He IS still your child and he will always be that. But he is now an adult, and you are no longer responsible for his welfare as you were when he was a minor.

My personal opinion is that by bailing our difficult adult (and near-adult) children out of the messes they make, by getting in the way of the natural and logical consequences arising from their poor decisions, and by cushioning their fall with our own bodies, we are enabling them to continue making bad choices.

If you've never checked out Al-Anon, I recommend it as it really helped me to realize that my "helping" was actually an effort on my part to control the people in my life and make them do what I wanted. Not saying this is what you are doing, just that this was and is my issue when it comes to my loved ones. It was a real eye opener for me and it has led me to great personal growth as well as relief.

My sixteen year old stepson seems to be choosing a life that my wife and I would never have wanted for him. We have no choice but to accept him as he is and then make our decisions from there. I can tell you I will not, knowingly or unknowingly, provide either of my stepsons with money for marijuana, for example.

Your son unfortunately sounds like he is also choosing what we might consider the "wrong" lifestyle right now. And so you also have a choice. You can spend the rest of your life, your time, your money, wrapped up in his problems, trying to fix him and make him into someone he isn't at this point in his life. Or you can take care of yourself, love him, and support him as much as you can without endangering your own emotional, physical, and financial health. Al-Anon and Codependents Anonymous both helped me immensely.

 

[bluebell]

Thank you all for your comments! I am printing these out to review whenever I feel a pity party coming on or when I feel a weakness to give in to his demands.

 

[susiestar]

Please stop feeling bad for having become successful!!! Do NOT punish your daughter for your son's mistakes. Let him be him, and let him live with the consequences of his own actions, and yes I do know how dang hard and painful that is for a parent.

Those other parents are not your problem. Your son simply isn't rational and nothing he says makes any sense. What he says may hurt, and I am absolutely sure it does. It is designed to hurt and to make you do what he wants. It also doesn't mean anything because it is the rambling nonsense of someone who's brain is pickled by drugs. They simply cannot make sense because they are not in their right minds. You are talking to the drugs, not your son. The drugs are trying to get you to give up money or whatever it is that will make it easier to get more drugs with as little work as possible.

It is time to start treating your kids differently because they are absolutely and completely different. Your easy kid is rational and human and your kid. She is the sweet, loving kid you raised with the values and morals that you taught her. Your difficult kid has been overtaken by drugs and until he is ready, you are not ever going to talk to him again. You are only going to talk to the drugs. The only thing on his mind will be how to get more drugs or out of whatever trouble the drugs got him into. ANYTHING you do for him or give to him will support this goal.

I would tell him that I love him, but contact will be minimal and support of a financial nature will be a few dollars on the holidays/birthdays (if you are comfortable with that, thinking maybe $20 or $50 as a gift if he is in jail on his books to let him know he isn't forgotten totally). I would say that it is because you want to be like the parents that he admires, those of the kids he wants to hang around with. I would probably send cards periodically with encouraging sentiments just because he was my kid, unless he got too ugly. I would not let him live with me or otherwise support him as he is using.

Invest your time and money in a good counselor who deals with drugs and alcohol. The first time one tells you to stay in contact or try to give something to your son, go find a new counselor (yes I am serious). Make sure the therapist supports you on this, and there are therapists out there who will be very supportive of this. I know some who would recommend this very strongly.

PLEASE do not punish easy daughter for the things your son has done. That is just punishing her for something she has not done. I was the easy kid with the difficult brother and my parents did this. A LOT. It really confused me. To this day there are times they do this. I understand it more now and it bothers me less, but as a kid it really messed me up. It made me feel that no matter what I did, how good I was, nothing was good enough. My parents cleaned up his messes and still gave him nice things. I never had messes and couldn't have nice things. It made me feel less than my brother was, less loved than he was. I know this was not true, but that is how it made me feel. Please don't make your daughter feel this way, she does not deserve it.

 

[BusynMember]

My lack of resources to help (i couldnt write $5000 checks) HELPED my daughter. That was partly why she quit. As for rehab, there are rehabs for all income levels. Their fancy advertising has little to do with who quits while using them. It has to do with how motivated the user is. Many people spend thousands upon thousands on rehabs and their loved one still uses. My daughter quit on her own.
She would not go to a rehab.
Money cant make your son quit. His desire will. In fact you probably gave him $5000 worth of drugs.
You dont know if those addicts on the street had parents without resources. Addiction cuts across income lines. They could have just been tossed out without funds by desperate parents who realized the money doesnt help them. In fact it can hurt them.
Your daughter in my opinion needs more attention than her drug using sibling. Do you give her equal time? More time?
Your daughter deserves to live in peace and quiet. To save yourself and both kids, i feel this abusive man, your grown off spring, needs to get out soon and find his own way, bad or good. Forget abandoment issues. Adults get help for their issues and we all have them. He can get free counseling at a county mental health center or a preacher.

If you ever feel moved to "help" your son again, call the place you want to pay and give THEM the money, not your son. He will use any money for drigs. You are funding his drug habit with each dollar you put in his hands.

Also be aware that if you buy him anything nice it will probably get stolen. Not really, but our adult kids love to do this: They sell nice things for cash for drugs then call us wailing that their belongings were stolen. They then want (more drug) money or replacements possibly to sell again.

On the show Intervention and in books about addiction I have read that addicts garbage pick for stray receipts. When they find one with a meaty item, they go inside that store, look around for the item on the receipt then "return" it for money at the service desk. Crafty. This is common practice.

Drug addicts are not nice. They can be dangerous criminals. The drug takes over. They do not think about any person. Just drugs. Their empathy is zapped. You dont matter unless as a source of drug money.

Your success is for you to enjoy. You gave your son every chance to achieve too...he disgarded it hoping youd fund him.

Be extra good to your sweet daughter. She deserves it and needs you. Son sadly does not. He abuses snd takes advantage of you and others.

 

[bluebell]

Susiestar, I too had a difficult brother who was for the most part enabled and took the lion share of resources (and there weren't many). He was moved out at the age of 19 and supported until he finally decided to finish school 7 years later. I, on the other hand, had a scholarship, lived at home, cleaned house and prepared meals. My mother died shortly after we both became independent (which also informs my grief over this situation). My father is somehow quite well off due to an inheritance, stock market luck, and years of misering, and still bails my brother out of a sequence of unfortunate events (which we all have, but their dynamic is set for brother to whine and get stuff and for me to keep quiet and get it on my own). So I still feel very much less, as you do. I hesitate to speak about this because I do want to own my stuff but it has had an undeniable affect on this dynamic and my attitude.

SWOT, My daughter is very much loved and we spend oodles of time together, she is homeschooled (started in high school) and while she's on a pretty independent online program, we still read books together. We are truly the 3 musketeers, but we've had to be. She has a new boyfriend since February that I really like. He needs to get some goals, they both do, but he helps out around the house and is just a very respectful young man. He has a shattered past and horrible parents, so you just never know do you?

 

[BusynMember]

Well, thats the thing. No, you dont have to let a truly horrid background ruin your life. And a good, loving background wont guarantee our adult kids will utilize it. Often they lie to us about their backgounds. One plus one doesnt always equal two. And two people from the same family can turn out differently, as you experienced.

Your son is choosing false victomhood. I fact he was loved and cherished and knows it and is just good at saying things tjatnmake you geel guilty. Dont let his drugged brain guilt you. He can quit using, work hard like you did and do well.

I hope soon you have the courage to disregard his lies and help him stand on his own. Or not.

None of us have to fund adults who cause their own misery. None of us have to fund adults at all.

I hope you have a peaceful, serrne day!

 

[RN0441]

Bluebell
I just remembered that the first time my son needed an attorney - he got into trouble with another kid for taking things out of unlocked cars - the first thing that he ever did that was bad at age 15 - we paid for an attorney and the other kid got a court appointed attorney and guess what! The other kid actually made out better!

Now that he is an adult there is NO WAY we'd pay for an attorney.

 

[in a daze]

how can I kick this kid out who abuses me, destroys my property but has major abandonment issues. (Quote)

Hi Bluebell, I was just wondering how your son came to have major abandonment issues. Was he adopted? Is he using this to manipulate him by making you feel sorry for him?

 

[bluebell]

I really have no clue where the abandonment issues came from. He's always been high strung from birth (I'm bio). I was SEVERELY preeclamptic HELP syndrome, he almost died - umbilical cord issues, emergency c-section, horrible experience, he and I were both in ICU for 5 days. I have no idea if that is relevant or not. I worked and put him in daycare and once when he was 18 months old and noone could find him, he was on the playground for hours- a tear stained slobbery wailing mess. Should have sued. Could that have caused it? He seemed normal once we got him home and calmed down, the weather was good so I don't think he was in any physcial discomfort. What do you all think?

 

[BusynMember]

One incident is unlikely to scar him all these years later.

Do you know how many people have various degrees of abandonment issues? A lot of us here do! That doesnt mean that if we are abusive, mean and use drugs we should be allowed to live in the parental home becsuse it might hurt our feelings? Would your parents have put up would that? How many times has he made YOU feel bad?

Your son is a full grown adult. If he has any issues, it is his responsibility now to get therapy. Or not and live with it.

Dont over analyze. He is what he is. Being an adult, he is his own responsibility and his bad choices are on only his own shoulders.

Take good care of yourself.