My mom was a wonderful sweet christian woman that was continuously being used by my daughter.
We debate the issue of helping versus enabling here on the site, sometimes. On the one hand, helping the kids with somewhere to live or a car or license reinstatement fees or fines seems like the right thing to do. On the other hand, especially for those (like me) whose kids are older, we have learned the hard way that helping creates dependency in the kids. They begin looking to us instead of to themselves to solve their problems. The stories (and the consequences) become ever more horrific. The grandchildren are put at risk, and may even be used to justify the grandparent's bailing the adult child out over and over.
Helping turns into the ugliness of enabling.
It is a tough, lonely, vulnerable spot to be in. We have even considered buying something big enough for everyone to come home to live. At least the grands would have some stability. But the issue is that the parents are the unstable ones. The more we provide the basics, the more determinedly off track the adult child gets. It would be a living nightmare to house practicing addicts. So, we have to stay the course.
You do too, sooo tired.
I feel badly for you that your child is attacking you through your spiritual beliefs. If the grandmother had not been so willing to help, it could be that your daughter would have developed a better lifestyle for herself in her twenties. The way we see it at my house is that if we can hold a firm line now, our children still have time to take control of their lives. It's been so nasty to hear how heartless we are, and to be seen through a filter comprised of how much money we have and how much we could afford to do for them.
Or whether our children will finally have somewhere to live once we are (finally) gone and they have access to our money and our stuff.
It helps us to remember just how many times either child has been home, and just how much money, time, and thought has been devoted to either of our kids.
It helps to remember that drug use is a piece of this picture.
If I may ask, how is it that your daughter is not receiving social services?
For your daughter's ultimate good, I do believe you are doing the right thing. We have walked a path similar to yours. Our relationships to our children, and our grands, are so out of balance around the issues of money and time.
We too hear about what rotten parents we were, and what crummy grandparents we are. It is difficult to steer the course we believe is the right one. Stay the course, sooo tired. I will do the same.
Cedar
