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I made him leave.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 677746" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Copa, the kids know the vulnerable places in us. They know the horror in it for us when they create for us the imagery that will move us to protect them or give them money or food or time or another chance. They do this intentionally. That is why it is so important that we journal about the incident, or post about it here, or do whatever it is that we need to do to keep the facts of what is happening clear in our minds, and to keep the reasons why we make the choices we make in response to them clear in our minds. To hear our child say words like "I had nobody." destroys something in us. It hurts me to read them. Those words your son used are the stuff of nightmares for a parent. In the night, those are the words that echo when we cannot sleep ~ and those are the words that will keep us hooked into enabling behaviors. What I learned over time was that the kids say many hurtful or frightening things. <em>The ones we remember, the ones that send us spinning into the FOG state, are the ones the kids will use again and again <u>because they work</u>. </em></p><p></p><p>The kids are trapped, too. It isn't that they are bad people. It is that they are in desperate situations. That is why they do it. For us to be able to stay with our behaviors we have decided are correct behaviors and decisions where the kids are concerned, we need to be able to face the most hurtful things the kids have said and find answers <em>to ourselves. </em>We need to know, when we face ourselves in the mirror in the morning, what the stakes are, and why we are making the decisions we are making where our children are concerned. We will not be able to stand our ground unless we know we are correct in the positions we take. This does not mean we cannot change our minds, take them in, give them whatever it was that they wanted. What it does mean is that we understand why we are doing whatever it is we have decided to do, and that we have weighed consequences, and that we are responding from our best, highest intentions for ourselves and our kids. We need to be proactive in our self management. Nothing about any of this is easy or right. Every decision has consequences, most of them immeasurably worse than we could ever have believed. </p><p></p><p>Every choice.</p><p></p><p>Even giving the kids what they want.</p><p></p><p>We need to remember that we are not bad people. Our kids are not bad people. It is the situation that is bad.</p><p></p><p>We are people who do our best to respond to impossibly hurtful situations. When we regret a decision, we think it through and learn from it and respond in that better way we have decided upon the next time.</p><p></p><p>That is who we are.</p><p></p><p>People who do our best that we know or can learn.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, we are broken shells of ourselves. But we still do the best we know.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>We need to find answers that comfort our own hearts, or the kids will destroy us with our love for them and our worry for them, and we will all go down the rabbit hole Albatross posts to us about.</p><p></p><p>It hurts my heart to hear those words your son spoke.</p><p></p><p>He knows you so well, Copa.</p><p></p><p>The worst thing about the terrible things that happen to our families when the kids are so troubled is the loneliness that happens between the parents. We tear ourselves apart, in our desperation to save the kids. Our mates are no longer the most important people in our lives. There is no laughter. There is no comfort.</p><p></p><p>Everything goes nightmare.</p><p></p><p>And then, we go to work the next day.</p><p></p><p>I don't know how we do it. We become very strong.</p><p></p><p>It is alot of pain to carry.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 677746, member: 17461"] Copa, the kids know the vulnerable places in us. They know the horror in it for us when they create for us the imagery that will move us to protect them or give them money or food or time or another chance. They do this intentionally. That is why it is so important that we journal about the incident, or post about it here, or do whatever it is that we need to do to keep the facts of what is happening clear in our minds, and to keep the reasons why we make the choices we make in response to them clear in our minds. To hear our child say words like "I had nobody." destroys something in us. It hurts me to read them. Those words your son used are the stuff of nightmares for a parent. In the night, those are the words that echo when we cannot sleep ~ and those are the words that will keep us hooked into enabling behaviors. What I learned over time was that the kids say many hurtful or frightening things. [I]The ones we remember, the ones that send us spinning into the FOG state, are the ones the kids will use again and again [U]because they work[/U]. [/I] The kids are trapped, too. It isn't that they are bad people. It is that they are in desperate situations. That is why they do it. For us to be able to stay with our behaviors we have decided are correct behaviors and decisions where the kids are concerned, we need to be able to face the most hurtful things the kids have said and find answers [I]to ourselves. [/I]We need to know, when we face ourselves in the mirror in the morning, what the stakes are, and why we are making the decisions we are making where our children are concerned. [I] [/I]We will not be able to stand our ground unless we know we are correct in the positions we take. This does not mean we cannot change our minds, take them in, give them whatever it was that they wanted. What it does mean is that we understand why we are doing whatever it is we have decided to do, and that we have weighed consequences, and that we are responding from our best, highest intentions for ourselves and our kids. We need to be proactive in our self management. Nothing about any of this is easy or right. Every decision has consequences, most of them immeasurably worse than we could ever have believed. Every choice. Even giving the kids what they want. We need to remember that we are not bad people. Our kids are not bad people. It is the situation that is bad. We are people who do our best to respond to impossibly hurtful situations. When we regret a decision, we think it through and learn from it and respond in that better way we have decided upon the next time. That is who we are. People who do our best that we know or can learn. Sometimes, we are broken shells of ourselves. But we still do the best we know. *** We need to find answers that comfort our own hearts, or the kids will destroy us with our love for them and our worry for them, and we will all go down the rabbit hole Albatross posts to us about. It hurts my heart to hear those words your son spoke. He knows you so well, Copa. The worst thing about the terrible things that happen to our families when the kids are so troubled is the loneliness that happens between the parents. We tear ourselves apart, in our desperation to save the kids. Our mates are no longer the most important people in our lives. There is no laughter. There is no comfort. Everything goes nightmare. And then, we go to work the next day. I don't know how we do it. We become very strong. It is alot of pain to carry. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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