Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 654429" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>But, let me give you a couple of more recent examples from when our kids were young that I have held onto these past number of years (doesn't it hurt so much more when it involves your kid?)</p><p></p><p>#1After a decade of distance, she comes to a nearby city to visit us with her then husband and her 2 baby girls. We pick her up at her swanky hotel. My son is in his car seat in the passenger seat, my sister's family enters the back seat, with the one car seat they had with them. As if I am not present my sister says to my then 3 year old son (God Bless Him) "Can we borrow your car seat for xxx?" I, stunned, remain silent for 4 or 5 seconds that seem as if hours....my baby son (not more than a year from the orphanage) responds clear as a bell: "NO. IT'S MINE." Imagine my guilt all these years.</p><p></p><p><em><strong>What did you feel guilty about here? Think hard. Does guilt make any sense here? Why didn't your sister ask YOU the question? Was she snubbing you? He was a young child. Why should your sister be upset over this or you be mortified? Well, as a scapegoated and disliked family member myself I *know* why, but it doesn't make any logical sense. Your son did nothing wrong other than not want to share and he was a child. So? If I got mad at every friend whose child was snarky or hadn't shared with mine, they wouldn't have had any friends at all, ya know?</strong></em></p><p></p><p>#2 Her and her daughters and I with my son, are at an elderly family member's house, sitting around a picnic table in the yard. We were not close with any of them. My ADHD son, then about 6, audibly says when the elderly hostess is standing behind him: "you pinched me." I remained silent, not wanting to rebuke my son, as I did not see what precipitated his reaction. A few minutes later I walk in the house and find my sister dramatically apologizing to the hostess...."I am so sorry for what xxx did." A few minutes later she tried to apologize to me. I said nothing.</p><p></p><p><em><strong>Trying to make you and your child look bad. Very classless. This had nothing to do with her.</strong></em></p><p></p><p>Since my Mother died there is no contact at all. Nothing. She feels fury that my Mother changed legal documents to give me power of attorney over care and financial decisions in the year before she died. (There was no change in distribution of assets.) In the year before my Mother died, my sister refused to accept phone calls from either of us and refused to see my Mother (she knew nothing about the legal change my Mother made until after my Mother's death.)</p><p></p><p><em><strong>Child-like behavior. Babyish. Jealousy. I mean, I don't like my sibs, but my brother is in charge of my dad's assets. WHO CARES? She is not being reasonable.</strong></em></p><p></p><p>There were many, many more betrayals, that I perceived by my sister to my Mother and to I. Most over money...because that was very important to my Mother and sister. But I am certain that my sister feels betrayal by us, as well.</p><p></p><p><em><strong>Yep. I feel betrayed by my sister. My sister has ill feelings toward me. She will never change the way I feel about how things went down and Sister won't even validate that things that happened to me happened to me. Sometimes the fact t hat you were both in the same womb does not make you suitable to be close or even in contact at all. Would you pick her for a friend if she wasn't your sister? If my sister hadn't been mine, we would have never exchanged a word as we have different pholosophies of life and nothing in common. DNA is just that. Too bad that your mom and Sis felt money can make somebody happy. It can't.</strong></em></p><p></p><p>So, now that my Mother is dead there is a great yearning for both my lost family. I never before missed my sister. Now I do. Summary of the back story: I buried my love all my life for my Mother and Sister because I felt unsafe with them---until it was too late. I yielded the field to my sister. She had the relationship with Mother for 40 years without interference from me. (I understand, that when I stepped in to take care of my Mother in her last year....this broke the rules. She needed me completely out of the picture. My sister is an extremely controlling woman who insists upon the illusion of matriarchy. She has also always felt entitled to everything, and that anything is justified to gain what she wants. Anything.</p><p></p><p><em><strong>My own sister would disagree, and she is entitled to her view of the story, but I feel she sucked up to my mother because she wanted a mother to love her more than anything else, and threw me under the bus in the process by watching the abuse and not saying anything about it. Trust me, she didn't want me in the picture either and I wasn't. It made her very happy. She actually never saw my mother abusive to me as my mother hid it then obviously told one-sided stories about how horrible I was to my sister, who chose to believe her. It was in her favor to do so.</strong></em></p><p><em><strong></strong></em></p><p> <em><strong>What happened happened. Often losing a parent, brings on those old "family feelings" that people like you and I really never had with our families of origin. We long for what never was. I get it. I am going through this now. You wanted a kind, caring sister who would support you and whom you could support and love, but that is not who your sister is. So you miss that fantasy sister that you never had. Me too.</strong></em></p><p></p><p>The question: How do I understand whether this yearning for my sister....is something that I can act on...and how....I see her absolutely rejecting me and humiliating me and insisting I accept all of my faults and failures...and crimes...for what? Is there really love there? Is this longing for her....regret that must be borne, and sorrow that must be felt...without exposing myself to being gravely hurt. This may be especially so because of my vulnerability now dealing with my son, and my extreme vulnerability over my Mother. Oh, I forgot to mention it. She has made a competition with kids. She feels her girls to be near royal. I love my son, but he is not yet Prince William. Thank you for all.[</p><p></p><p><em><strong>Sweetie, that is EXACTLY how I feel about my own siblings, both of them. Yes, I'm "blessed" with a brother who is better than her, but still rather clueless as he has been away for a long time and also listens to my sister and he was my mother's hands down favorite. So I am facing a father who I love dearly, although he wasn't perfect (nor am I)< and two siblings who are the only family of origin (except my one biologicala chld) whom I have left. So I sort of mourn that they have been reading my posts right here on this forum and probably still are and have been laughing at the abusive reality I lived because they did not live it. Golden Child was treated like a king and Sis learned how to weale her way into Mom's sort=of-a-heart with her children. My mother babysat for them so my sister and her got closer, but she never did win the golden goose. Although my mother did not call me once for about fifteen years (I called her to try to smooth things over), when I did talk to her, she WOULD talk. Usually it was in a monotone, but she did get very animated when talking about Golden Child. She also got animated talking about one of my sister's children, who must have been another golden child of hers. Usually she just acted cold and biotchy and my loving mother's day cards, birthday cards, and phone calls were a waste of time and I'm sorry I tried to make peace in this lifetime. It was not to be. In fact, I'd say "I love you" and I did love my mother then. After all, she was my mother and I desperately wanted her to love me back. But as I've been reading the scapegoat in the family is NEVER forgiven and stays the scapegoat long after no contact has been going on. Never once did she say, "I love you" back to me. She'd say, "I know you do." Reminds me of Han Solo in Return of the Empire when Han was going down to the abyss and Lea yelled out, Han, I love you!" and he said with a smile, "I know." (Well, THAT I thought was funny)</strong></em>.</p><p></p><p><strong>You can try if you like. Your sister is who she is. You know what she is like. You are the nice one with the heart. Sounds like you have a SO who can hold you in his arms. Maybe (it's up to you) it is better to find solace with those who care for you right now and are not going to hold any resentments. I'm sure you have true loved ones. It is unloving to stay out of contact for forty years. My sister kept cutting me off and I never called her back, but she always came back and it never worked and the last time was it. I told her if she did it again, bye. It is bye. I would hate for you to get to the point where you don't even want to know if your sister is still alive, but I am at that point. She and my mother have hurt me so much, as nobody and nothing else has. And they don't care because they don't have compassion. I don't think brother cares either. Yet I never did one horrible thing to either of them. Yes, some things they did not like. Horrible things? Well, sister has a boyfriend who has been abusing her for five years and she hasn't cut him off. It really doesn't make a ny sense and it is very personal because you are part of the DNA mess. </strong></p><p></p><p><strong>Many hugs.</strong></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 654429, member: 1550"] But, let me give you a couple of more recent examples from when our kids were young that I have held onto these past number of years (doesn't it hurt so much more when it involves your kid?) #1After a decade of distance, she comes to a nearby city to visit us with her then husband and her 2 baby girls. We pick her up at her swanky hotel. My son is in his car seat in the passenger seat, my sister's family enters the back seat, with the one car seat they had with them. As if I am not present my sister says to my then 3 year old son (God Bless Him) "Can we borrow your car seat for xxx?" I, stunned, remain silent for 4 or 5 seconds that seem as if hours....my baby son (not more than a year from the orphanage) responds clear as a bell: "NO. IT'S MINE." Imagine my guilt all these years. [I][B]What did you feel guilty about here? Think hard. Does guilt make any sense here? Why didn't your sister ask YOU the question? Was she snubbing you? He was a young child. Why should your sister be upset over this or you be mortified? Well, as a scapegoated and disliked family member myself I *know* why, but it doesn't make any logical sense. Your son did nothing wrong other than not want to share and he was a child. So? If I got mad at every friend whose child was snarky or hadn't shared with mine, they wouldn't have had any friends at all, ya know?[/B][/I] #2 Her and her daughters and I with my son, are at an elderly family member's house, sitting around a picnic table in the yard. We were not close with any of them. My ADHD son, then about 6, audibly says when the elderly hostess is standing behind him: "you pinched me." I remained silent, not wanting to rebuke my son, as I did not see what precipitated his reaction. A few minutes later I walk in the house and find my sister dramatically apologizing to the hostess...."I am so sorry for what xxx did." A few minutes later she tried to apologize to me. I said nothing. [I][B]Trying to make you and your child look bad. Very classless. This had nothing to do with her.[/B][/I] Since my Mother died there is no contact at all. Nothing. She feels fury that my Mother changed legal documents to give me power of attorney over care and financial decisions in the year before she died. (There was no change in distribution of assets.) In the year before my Mother died, my sister refused to accept phone calls from either of us and refused to see my Mother (she knew nothing about the legal change my Mother made until after my Mother's death.) [I][B]Child-like behavior. Babyish. Jealousy. I mean, I don't like my sibs, but my brother is in charge of my dad's assets. WHO CARES? She is not being reasonable.[/B][/I] There were many, many more betrayals, that I perceived by my sister to my Mother and to I. Most over money...because that was very important to my Mother and sister. But I am certain that my sister feels betrayal by us, as well. [I][B]Yep. I feel betrayed by my sister. My sister has ill feelings toward me. She will never change the way I feel about how things went down and Sister won't even validate that things that happened to me happened to me. Sometimes the fact t hat you were both in the same womb does not make you suitable to be close or even in contact at all. Would you pick her for a friend if she wasn't your sister? If my sister hadn't been mine, we would have never exchanged a word as we have different pholosophies of life and nothing in common. DNA is just that. Too bad that your mom and Sis felt money can make somebody happy. It can't.[/B][/I] So, now that my Mother is dead there is a great yearning for both my lost family. I never before missed my sister. Now I do. Summary of the back story: I buried my love all my life for my Mother and Sister because I felt unsafe with them---until it was too late. I yielded the field to my sister. She had the relationship with Mother for 40 years without interference from me. (I understand, that when I stepped in to take care of my Mother in her last year....this broke the rules. She needed me completely out of the picture. My sister is an extremely controlling woman who insists upon the illusion of matriarchy. She has also always felt entitled to everything, and that anything is justified to gain what she wants. Anything. [I][B]My own sister would disagree, and she is entitled to her view of the story, but I feel she sucked up to my mother because she wanted a mother to love her more than anything else, and threw me under the bus in the process by watching the abuse and not saying anything about it. Trust me, she didn't want me in the picture either and I wasn't. It made her very happy. She actually never saw my mother abusive to me as my mother hid it then obviously told one-sided stories about how horrible I was to my sister, who chose to believe her. It was in her favor to do so. What happened happened. Often losing a parent, brings on those old "family feelings" that people like you and I really never had with our families of origin. We long for what never was. I get it. I am going through this now. You wanted a kind, caring sister who would support you and whom you could support and love, but that is not who your sister is. So you miss that fantasy sister that you never had. Me too.[/B][/I] The question: How do I understand whether this yearning for my sister....is something that I can act on...and how....I see her absolutely rejecting me and humiliating me and insisting I accept all of my faults and failures...and crimes...for what? Is there really love there? Is this longing for her....regret that must be borne, and sorrow that must be felt...without exposing myself to being gravely hurt. This may be especially so because of my vulnerability now dealing with my son, and my extreme vulnerability over my Mother. Oh, I forgot to mention it. She has made a competition with kids. She feels her girls to be near royal. I love my son, but he is not yet Prince William. Thank you for all.[ [I][B]Sweetie, that is EXACTLY how I feel about my own siblings, both of them. Yes, I'm "blessed" with a brother who is better than her, but still rather clueless as he has been away for a long time and also listens to my sister and he was my mother's hands down favorite. So I am facing a father who I love dearly, although he wasn't perfect (nor am I)< and two siblings who are the only family of origin (except my one biologicala chld) whom I have left. So I sort of mourn that they have been reading my posts right here on this forum and probably still are and have been laughing at the abusive reality I lived because they did not live it. Golden Child was treated like a king and Sis learned how to weale her way into Mom's sort=of-a-heart with her children. My mother babysat for them so my sister and her got closer, but she never did win the golden goose. Although my mother did not call me once for about fifteen years (I called her to try to smooth things over), when I did talk to her, she WOULD talk. Usually it was in a monotone, but she did get very animated when talking about Golden Child. She also got animated talking about one of my sister's children, who must have been another golden child of hers. Usually she just acted cold and biotchy and my loving mother's day cards, birthday cards, and phone calls were a waste of time and I'm sorry I tried to make peace in this lifetime. It was not to be. In fact, I'd say "I love you" and I did love my mother then. After all, she was my mother and I desperately wanted her to love me back. But as I've been reading the scapegoat in the family is NEVER forgiven and stays the scapegoat long after no contact has been going on. Never once did she say, "I love you" back to me. She'd say, "I know you do." Reminds me of Han Solo in Return of the Empire when Han was going down to the abyss and Lea yelled out, Han, I love you!" and he said with a smile, "I know." (Well, THAT I thought was funny)[/B][/I]. [B]You can try if you like. Your sister is who she is. You know what she is like. You are the nice one with the heart. Sounds like you have a SO who can hold you in his arms. Maybe (it's up to you) it is better to find solace with those who care for you right now and are not going to hold any resentments. I'm sure you have true loved ones. It is unloving to stay out of contact for forty years. My sister kept cutting me off and I never called her back, but she always came back and it never worked and the last time was it. I told her if she did it again, bye. It is bye. I would hate for you to get to the point where you don't even want to know if your sister is still alive, but I am at that point. She and my mother have hurt me so much, as nobody and nothing else has. And they don't care because they don't have compassion. I don't think brother cares either. Yet I never did one horrible thing to either of them. Yes, some things they did not like. Horrible things? Well, sister has a boyfriend who has been abusing her for five years and she hasn't cut him off. It really doesn't make a ny sense and it is very personal because you are part of the DNA mess. [/B] [B]Many hugs.[/B] [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
Top