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Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 654637" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Was she working prior to the mother's death?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>How do you feel, elizabethanne?</p><p></p><p>Did she clarify what she meant by paying it forward? Does she want you to take her in?</p><p></p><p>Is she using street drugs, prescription drugs, or alcohol?</p><p></p><p>Something has changed with this woman. If she has developed an addiction, you will need to learn detachment theory, like we have had to with our addicted children.</p><p></p><p>If she is not addicted...I think there might be some kind of addiction working away under wraps here, elizabethanne.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That must have been a hard thing to witness...but you are not the person who chose for her how she would respond to what had happened. </p><p></p><p>That is the problem with our kids too, when they are self-destructing. Everything seems to serve the destruction. The more we help, the more we search our souls for where we went wrong, the more responsible we feel. We have learned here that we need to make our children stronger. That is the one way they seem able to marshal the strength to face, and face down, their demons. What we have had to learn to say to our self-destructing kids is that we love them too much to help them self-destruct.</p><p></p><p>If they persist in those terrible patterns that are destroying everything they touch, we had had to learn to say: I love you too much to watch you self-destruct. </p><p></p><p>And sometimes, we need to turn away for a time.</p><p></p><p>It is a very hard thing.</p><p></p><p>Loving a self-destructive friend is the same pain, elizabethanne. I think posting here will help you too, just is it helps us to be strong for one another when that is what we need.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is happening to you.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>And the period of help was a short one. We all find ourselves needing a hand up sometimes ~ we all do. But when helping someone we love begins to overtake and devour our lives, we need to figure out how we got where we are so we can stand up for ourselves without destroying our self concepts.</p><p></p><p>That's how I think I see it. I had a thing going with myself that if I helped, even if in just a small little way, I was doing my part to create a little spot of not-evil. It was like, after having seen so much that was hurtful when I was a little girl and could do nothing to help any of us, I was doing my part to push the darkness back, now.</p><p></p><p>There are people in the world who sense that about us.</p><p></p><p>We can be easily victimized through our mother wounds.</p><p></p><p>In a way elizabethanne, this situation, painful as it is, is a blessing. Working through it sincerely will find you coming through it stronger, more centered, whole again.</p><p></p><p>Just like we tell ourselves and one another here where our children are concerned, you have the right to claim time to think and to define where you are and how you intend to respond.</p><p></p><p>Just knowing that one fact, that there is nothing you need to do right now, will help you center and stabilize.</p><p></p><p>Then, you need a tool box. (That concept is from Child of Mine, and it is a good one. She has a thread in Parent Emeritus too, on suffering. "Highchair Tyrants." That might be helpful to you, too. At the top of the P.E. site is an article on detachment. That may be helpful to you. Reading about sociopathy turned out to be a help to me. Not that I am labeling anyone in my family of origin any particular thing...but it was surprising to learn that it is true that there are people in the world who understand the world and their places in it differently than I do. Reading those books and articles helped me understand that the goal I am working toward is not, like, universal. That sounds so foolish, I know. How does that old saying go? I have been a fool for lesser things.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>That's pretty much all I know about how to help ourselves figure it out, when someone accuses us of something we don't understand.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>What we have learned here is to affirm our children's strength, and to affirm our faith in their abilities to get through whatever is happeing without us. We even tell them we are changing our responses because helping hasn't worked, and has only made things worse, and that is why we have decided they are going to have to find their own ways.</p><p></p><p>We have had to learn that making their ways through the consequences of their choices does make the kids stronger. Helping and helping twists all of us, making an already ugly situation so much worse.</p><p></p><p>For her own sake, your friend must find her own way.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Good for you, elizabethanne.</p><p></p><p>That is a hard thing.</p><p></p><p>You are saving your friend through your refusing to help financially. If you see this in a different light, you are working very hard to remain loyal to the best in this person, to the things, the good things, you know are true about her, though she may have forgotten them, herself.</p><p></p><p>That is an honorable thing.</p><p></p><p>Good job.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>When I hear this, when I feel this need in myself, I recognize about a thousand things I don't like to see. I have been accused of things too that were not true. What I think I see happening there is that, for reasons I am not privy to <em>the other person needs to see me that way or face something about himself that he is not ready to see.</em></p><p></p><p>Or maybe it is me who needs to do that, and so, I cannot see the truth in what the other person is doing.</p><p></p><p>What I do know is that there is nothing more to be said or done or hoped for. The time has run its course. If I see a pattern of similar behaviors in the other person's past, that helps me not to condemn myself without evidence. (There is never evidence. Each party interprets the same facts differently. Neither is lying.)</p><p></p><p>Reality is as we perceive it to be.</p><p></p><p>Can you find a way to honor all that was good between you?</p><p></p><p>That may be the way this ends.</p><p></p><p>It is what it is.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, much as we would wish it different, we lose things and people and times that matter very much to us.</p><p></p><p>But...it is what it is.</p><p></p><p>I think it will help you right now to give yourself time, elizabethanne.</p><p></p><p>Learn what you can, love where you can, and go on.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes, the triumph in a thing is that we do not grow bitter.</p><p></p><p>Headlights Mom posted this to us, once. I have never forgotten it. I am paraphrasing:</p><p></p><p>Well, I can't even think how she began it. The gist of it was that there were some tiny good things her child had given her before the tragic loss of time together that was coming, unbeknownst to either of them, next. Headlights Mom posted that she kept the items out where she could see them, and feel gratitude for all she had had with her boy <em>lest she grow bitter.</em></p><p></p><p>I will try to find the quote for you.</p><p></p><p>It was beautifully written.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 654637, member: 17461"] Was she working prior to the mother's death? How do you feel, elizabethanne? Did she clarify what she meant by paying it forward? Does she want you to take her in? Is she using street drugs, prescription drugs, or alcohol? Something has changed with this woman. If she has developed an addiction, you will need to learn detachment theory, like we have had to with our addicted children. If she is not addicted...I think there might be some kind of addiction working away under wraps here, elizabethanne. That must have been a hard thing to witness...but you are not the person who chose for her how she would respond to what had happened. That is the problem with our kids too, when they are self-destructing. Everything seems to serve the destruction. The more we help, the more we search our souls for where we went wrong, the more responsible we feel. We have learned here that we need to make our children stronger. That is the one way they seem able to marshal the strength to face, and face down, their demons. What we have had to learn to say to our self-destructing kids is that we love them too much to help them self-destruct. If they persist in those terrible patterns that are destroying everything they touch, we had had to learn to say: I love you too much to watch you self-destruct. And sometimes, we need to turn away for a time. It is a very hard thing. Loving a self-destructive friend is the same pain, elizabethanne. I think posting here will help you too, just is it helps us to be strong for one another when that is what we need. I am sorry this is happening to you. And the period of help was a short one. We all find ourselves needing a hand up sometimes ~ we all do. But when helping someone we love begins to overtake and devour our lives, we need to figure out how we got where we are so we can stand up for ourselves without destroying our self concepts. That's how I think I see it. I had a thing going with myself that if I helped, even if in just a small little way, I was doing my part to create a little spot of not-evil. It was like, after having seen so much that was hurtful when I was a little girl and could do nothing to help any of us, I was doing my part to push the darkness back, now. There are people in the world who sense that about us. We can be easily victimized through our mother wounds. In a way elizabethanne, this situation, painful as it is, is a blessing. Working through it sincerely will find you coming through it stronger, more centered, whole again. Just like we tell ourselves and one another here where our children are concerned, you have the right to claim time to think and to define where you are and how you intend to respond. Just knowing that one fact, that there is nothing you need to do right now, will help you center and stabilize. Then, you need a tool box. (That concept is from Child of Mine, and it is a good one. She has a thread in Parent Emeritus too, on suffering. "Highchair Tyrants." That might be helpful to you, too. At the top of the P.E. site is an article on detachment. That may be helpful to you. Reading about sociopathy turned out to be a help to me. Not that I am labeling anyone in my family of origin any particular thing...but it was surprising to learn that it is true that there are people in the world who understand the world and their places in it differently than I do. Reading those books and articles helped me understand that the goal I am working toward is not, like, universal. That sounds so foolish, I know. How does that old saying go? I have been a fool for lesser things. :O) That's pretty much all I know about how to help ourselves figure it out, when someone accuses us of something we don't understand. What we have learned here is to affirm our children's strength, and to affirm our faith in their abilities to get through whatever is happeing without us. We even tell them we are changing our responses because helping hasn't worked, and has only made things worse, and that is why we have decided they are going to have to find their own ways. We have had to learn that making their ways through the consequences of their choices does make the kids stronger. Helping and helping twists all of us, making an already ugly situation so much worse. For her own sake, your friend must find her own way. Good for you, elizabethanne. That is a hard thing. You are saving your friend through your refusing to help financially. If you see this in a different light, you are working very hard to remain loyal to the best in this person, to the things, the good things, you know are true about her, though she may have forgotten them, herself. That is an honorable thing. Good job. When I hear this, when I feel this need in myself, I recognize about a thousand things I don't like to see. I have been accused of things too that were not true. What I think I see happening there is that, for reasons I am not privy to [I]the other person needs to see me that way or face something about himself that he is not ready to see.[/I] Or maybe it is me who needs to do that, and so, I cannot see the truth in what the other person is doing. What I do know is that there is nothing more to be said or done or hoped for. The time has run its course. If I see a pattern of similar behaviors in the other person's past, that helps me not to condemn myself without evidence. (There is never evidence. Each party interprets the same facts differently. Neither is lying.) Reality is as we perceive it to be. Can you find a way to honor all that was good between you? That may be the way this ends. It is what it is. Sometimes, much as we would wish it different, we lose things and people and times that matter very much to us. But...it is what it is. I think it will help you right now to give yourself time, elizabethanne. Learn what you can, love where you can, and go on. Sometimes, the triumph in a thing is that we do not grow bitter. Headlights Mom posted this to us, once. I have never forgotten it. I am paraphrasing: Well, I can't even think how she began it. The gist of it was that there were some tiny good things her child had given her before the tragic loss of time together that was coming, unbeknownst to either of them, next. Headlights Mom posted that she kept the items out where she could see them, and feel gratitude for all she had had with her boy [I]lest she grow bitter.[/I] I will try to find the quote for you. It was beautifully written. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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