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Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 654645" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>We believe with every fiber of our being that people are better than their behaviors. I know with my whole heart that this is true because I wish I were better than I am. I have all kinds of bad thoughts and hatreds and biatchiness in me every day.</p><p></p><p>I don't like that about myself.</p><p></p><p>The Vietnamese monk Nan Taht (?) describes struggles of this nature as our "practice". I liked that very much.</p><p></p><p>I am practicing being human and choosing kind.</p><p></p><p>That is my practice.</p><p></p><p>Now I am trying to practice seeing and simply accepting what life brings.</p><p></p><p>All I have to do is show up.</p><p></p><p>That is my practice.</p><p></p><p>Well okay. Show up and listen and not talk.</p><p></p><p>I want very much to be better than I know myself to be.</p><p></p><p>I believe everyone is like me.</p><p></p><p>Everyone is not like me.</p><p></p><p>When I admit they have done what they have done instead of automatically excusing or understanding or explaining away the hurt in what they have done, I feel I am letting myself down. I feel I am committing a kind of violence against them.</p><p></p><p>But willfully blinding myself to the things they have chosen for themselves, willfully blinding myself to the ugliness they picked instead of the brightness I see in them...that isn't the right way to do this, either.</p><p></p><p>Maybe there is no right way to do this.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, why doesn't matter.</p><p></p><p>It is what it is. They are separate from me. Maybe, I need to learn to keep my visions to myself.</p><p></p><p>Remember that old Stevie Nicks song?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Me, too! I am only just now letting that one just sort of sit there. Remaking our families of origin is such a beautiful dream, but the sickness is still there, when we go back.</p><p></p><p>When we are away from them, we are healthier. We don't see any reason why we can't see and be with these people we love, again.</p><p></p><p>And I do love them. They are witnesses to my life.</p><p></p><p>But the sickness is still there. It turns out the only times they want to witness were shaming to me, or hurtful to me.</p><p></p><p>Ouch.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>In the time of our absence, our families may have become even more toxic.</p><p></p><p>It may be that while we were there, we kept some of the worst of it tamped down a little.</p><p></p><p>Or maybe they were just headed for increasing toxicity and we were lucky to get out, at all.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 654645, member: 17461"] We believe with every fiber of our being that people are better than their behaviors. I know with my whole heart that this is true because I wish I were better than I am. I have all kinds of bad thoughts and hatreds and biatchiness in me every day. I don't like that about myself. The Vietnamese monk Nan Taht (?) describes struggles of this nature as our "practice". I liked that very much. I am practicing being human and choosing kind. That is my practice. Now I am trying to practice seeing and simply accepting what life brings. All I have to do is show up. That is my practice. Well okay. Show up and listen and not talk. I want very much to be better than I know myself to be. I believe everyone is like me. Everyone is not like me. When I admit they have done what they have done instead of automatically excusing or understanding or explaining away the hurt in what they have done, I feel I am letting myself down. I feel I am committing a kind of violence against them. But willfully blinding myself to the things they have chosen for themselves, willfully blinding myself to the ugliness they picked instead of the brightness I see in them...that isn't the right way to do this, either. Maybe there is no right way to do this. Maybe, why doesn't matter. It is what it is. They are separate from me. Maybe, I need to learn to keep my visions to myself. Remember that old Stevie Nicks song? Me, too! I am only just now letting that one just sort of sit there. Remaking our families of origin is such a beautiful dream, but the sickness is still there, when we go back. When we are away from them, we are healthier. We don't see any reason why we can't see and be with these people we love, again. And I do love them. They are witnesses to my life. But the sickness is still there. It turns out the only times they want to witness were shaming to me, or hurtful to me. Ouch. *** In the time of our absence, our families may have become even more toxic. It may be that while we were there, we kept some of the worst of it tamped down a little. Or maybe they were just headed for increasing toxicity and we were lucky to get out, at all. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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