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Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 654662" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Ha!</p><p></p><p>YES!</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is good to love.</p><p></p><p>Let knowing that you loved her heal and strengthen you, now.</p><p></p><p>It took courage to go back there.</p><p></p><p>Good job.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p></p><p>I am only able to know the places I have already been and come through safely, Copa. </p><p></p><p>My mother was physically abusive, as well as verbally and emotionally abusive. She still is, viciously so. To see and understand this true thing while she was still alive was a gift to me.</p><p></p><p>I have evidence; I have proof that what I remembered happened. And is still happening. </p><p></p><p>You do not have that blessing of time, Copa. But you are here, and you are working through it. Soon, you will be able to love both your mother and yourself. When that happens, you will forgive yourself, and love all that you are. And you will come to admire your own courage.</p><p></p><p>It happened to me.</p><p></p><p>That is how I know this is true.</p><p></p><p>Well okay. So, I don't love myself very much, yet. But I like myself now pretty well. I still slip into the old contempt mindset sometimes, but I know now where I am when that happens.</p><p></p><p>Can you just sit with those feelings, Copa?</p><p></p><p>There is nothing you need to do.</p><p></p><p>Just hear them, and let them be what they are. No one here is perfect; we have chosen human, instead.</p><p></p><p>Human is a really nice thing to be, and to become. </p><p></p><p>Here is imagery that helped me: Frankenstien, a monster pieced together from the broken parts and brought to fraudulent and ugly life. Chased into a cave by the angry villagers, he freezes solid. No tears. No pain. </p><p></p><p>Quiet.</p><p></p><p>But one day, the sun reaches into the cave. </p><p></p><p>First there is a tear.</p><p></p><p>Then, the pain.</p><p></p><p>Life, to be truly alive and present in our own lives, Copa, is worth the pain.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>"Once, my fancy was soothed with dreams of virtue, of fame and of enjoyment. Once, I falsely hoped to meet with beings who, pardoning my outward form, would love me for the excellent qualities I was capable of unfolding."</p><p></p><p>Frankenstein's Monster speaks</p><p></p><p>The Jesus Incident</p><p>Herbert / Ransom</p><p></p><p></p><p>Always, the pain of the quest is worth the recovery.</p><p> </p><p>Had my mother died before I could know my own truth, I may never have recovered.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing easy about confronting old wounds, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Are you alright?</p><p></p><p>Perhaps you need to see someone, a pastor or a helping professional of some kind, to stand for you while you begin exploring?</p><p></p><p>I have seen many therapists.</p><p></p><p>Initially, I would not have been able to take myself into and back from my own childhood safely without them.</p><p></p><p>There is no shame in it, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Hospice will be familiar with these kinds of pain too, Copa. We are not alone in our pain over our mothers and ourselves and what we have had to do to survive and how that all fits together.</p><p></p><p>Whatever you decide, we are here.</p><p></p><p>Hospice will help. I was a Hospice volunteer, and have recently completed training to volunteer for Hospice again. That is how I know that.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Nostalgia is a strange thing. We remember the best things. The bad things, the things that hurt us ~ those we need to search for. They are buried, those things, with other traumatic events.</p><p></p><p>I hear the sincere regret of a woman who loved her mother deeply and hoped with all her heart to be loved, to be trusted and to be able to trust.</p><p> </p><p>Our mothers were who they were, Copa. We don't have to hate them to reclaim ourselves.</p><p></p><p>But we do have to defy them.</p><p></p><p>They were wrong.</p><p></p><p>It is time for us to reclaim ourselves.</p><p></p><p>It is a strangely true thing that abused children feel defiance and betrayal are the same thing. We were never, ever, supposed to voice what was real, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Not a hint; not a whisper.</p><p></p><p>That is why, at 63 years of age, I have to ride around my own posts in a motorcycle with a beautifully executed needlepoint in my saddlebag that says: "F you, mom"</p><p></p><p>I have to, to reclaim myself, and to see what happened for what it was so I can be stronger and more whole and loving and everything I was always meant to be that my abuser, in her power-over crazy, twisted and robbed and pillaged away from me for nothing that matters at all.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/Graemlins/9-07tears.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":9-07tears:" title="crying :9-07tears:" data-shortname=":9-07tears:" /></p><p></p><p>Oh wait.</p><p></p><p>I meant:</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/mcsmiley1.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":mcsmiley1:" title="mcsmiley1 :mcsmiley1:" data-shortname=":mcsmiley1:" /></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 10px">F you, mom</span></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>We are here on purpose, Copa. If there is suffering, then there is something worth suffering for that you need to know.</p><p></p><p>You are trying not to know it.</p><p></p><p>Can you name the core of the suffering, Copa?</p><p></p><p>I found that it was myself I was grieving for. There was so much Copa that was lost, so much that was ugly. It took me such a long time to come through it. I was able finally to acknowledge that mine is an ugly story.</p><p></p><p>It's an ugly, ugly story, Copa.</p><p></p><p>But once I could know that simple truth, I could claim both it and myself without shame.</p><p></p><p>For the first time in my life Copa, without shame.</p><p></p><p>It is what it is and oh, how I regret it. But I was just a little girl and I could not help her.</p><p></p><p>I could not save my mother, Copa.</p><p></p><p>That was the source of my suffering.</p><p></p><p>Not that I was too weak or lacked courage but that she would have it no other way.</p><p></p><p>I am mother hungry, too.</p><p></p><p>It is what it is.</p><p></p><p>But I am so happy that I lived.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I will be working tomorrow and the next day, Copa. I think I will not be able to post. Know I am thinking of you, know I am right there. Know I have been where you are and that it is worth every second of pain to have come through it and into myself <em>without shame or grief or apology</em>, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Well okay, so I am not all the way through it.</p><p></p><p>But I am determined to try.</p><p></p><p>And that is way good enough.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 654662, member: 17461"] Ha! YES! *** It is good to love. Let knowing that you loved her heal and strengthen you, now. It took courage to go back there. Good job. *** I am only able to know the places I have already been and come through safely, Copa. My mother was physically abusive, as well as verbally and emotionally abusive. She still is, viciously so. To see and understand this true thing while she was still alive was a gift to me. I have evidence; I have proof that what I remembered happened. And is still happening. You do not have that blessing of time, Copa. But you are here, and you are working through it. Soon, you will be able to love both your mother and yourself. When that happens, you will forgive yourself, and love all that you are. And you will come to admire your own courage. It happened to me. That is how I know this is true. Well okay. So, I don't love myself very much, yet. But I like myself now pretty well. I still slip into the old contempt mindset sometimes, but I know now where I am when that happens. Can you just sit with those feelings, Copa? There is nothing you need to do. Just hear them, and let them be what they are. No one here is perfect; we have chosen human, instead. Human is a really nice thing to be, and to become. Here is imagery that helped me: Frankenstien, a monster pieced together from the broken parts and brought to fraudulent and ugly life. Chased into a cave by the angry villagers, he freezes solid. No tears. No pain. Quiet. But one day, the sun reaches into the cave. First there is a tear. Then, the pain. Life, to be truly alive and present in our own lives, Copa, is worth the pain. *** "Once, my fancy was soothed with dreams of virtue, of fame and of enjoyment. Once, I falsely hoped to meet with beings who, pardoning my outward form, would love me for the excellent qualities I was capable of unfolding." Frankenstein's Monster speaks The Jesus Incident Herbert / Ransom Always, the pain of the quest is worth the recovery. Had my mother died before I could know my own truth, I may never have recovered. There is nothing easy about confronting old wounds, Copa. Are you alright? Perhaps you need to see someone, a pastor or a helping professional of some kind, to stand for you while you begin exploring? I have seen many therapists. Initially, I would not have been able to take myself into and back from my own childhood safely without them. There is no shame in it, Copa. Hospice will be familiar with these kinds of pain too, Copa. We are not alone in our pain over our mothers and ourselves and what we have had to do to survive and how that all fits together. Whatever you decide, we are here. Hospice will help. I was a Hospice volunteer, and have recently completed training to volunteer for Hospice again. That is how I know that. *** Nostalgia is a strange thing. We remember the best things. The bad things, the things that hurt us ~ those we need to search for. They are buried, those things, with other traumatic events. I hear the sincere regret of a woman who loved her mother deeply and hoped with all her heart to be loved, to be trusted and to be able to trust. Our mothers were who they were, Copa. We don't have to hate them to reclaim ourselves. But we do have to defy them. They were wrong. It is time for us to reclaim ourselves. It is a strangely true thing that abused children feel defiance and betrayal are the same thing. We were never, ever, supposed to voice what was real, Copa. Not a hint; not a whisper. That is why, at 63 years of age, I have to ride around my own posts in a motorcycle with a beautifully executed needlepoint in my saddlebag that says: "F you, mom" I have to, to reclaim myself, and to see what happened for what it was so I can be stronger and more whole and loving and everything I was always meant to be that my abuser, in her power-over crazy, twisted and robbed and pillaged away from me for nothing that matters at all. :9-07tears: Oh wait. I meant: :mcsmiley1: [SIZE=2]F you, mom[/SIZE] We are here on purpose, Copa. If there is suffering, then there is something worth suffering for that you need to know. You are trying not to know it. Can you name the core of the suffering, Copa? I found that it was myself I was grieving for. There was so much Copa that was lost, so much that was ugly. It took me such a long time to come through it. I was able finally to acknowledge that mine is an ugly story. It's an ugly, ugly story, Copa. But once I could know that simple truth, I could claim both it and myself without shame. For the first time in my life Copa, without shame. It is what it is and oh, how I regret it. But I was just a little girl and I could not help her. I could not save my mother, Copa. That was the source of my suffering. Not that I was too weak or lacked courage but that she would have it no other way. I am mother hungry, too. It is what it is. But I am so happy that I lived. *** I will be working tomorrow and the next day, Copa. I think I will not be able to post. Know I am thinking of you, know I am right there. Know I have been where you are and that it is worth every second of pain to have come through it and into myself [I]without shame or grief or apology[/I], Copa. Well okay, so I am not all the way through it. But I am determined to try. And that is way good enough. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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