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I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 654789" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>If we are real, vulnerable will be the blessing of our lives. When we feel vulnerable, we are totally present. Explore it. Nothing bad will happen. Very many good things begin with vulnerable. This is where we heal.</p><p></p><p>Vulnerable is the best thing. It is where we are real.</p><p></p><p>Shame is some abuser's gift, and can be safely discounted, or used to learn more about how we were hurt in the first place, Copa.</p><p></p><p>I read about the boss this morning. That was abusive. He was an abuser. That is why that happened. Because abusers abuse.</p><p></p><p>Every. Single. Time.</p><p></p><p>Shame is a key.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>When I feel vulnerable...I am real. No one knows how to do this right, Copa. Perfection is what we see when we only see the end result. I have a quote somewhere that I don't have time to find for you right now, that says something like: we need to stop comparing our insides with other people's outsides. Inside, we are all unsure. Inside, we are all taking our cues from one another. Real boats rock. Real life is an uncertain thing. If we can remain present, we will soon feel safe within ourselves. There is nothing we need to do. We are here on purpose.</p><p></p><p>Not everyone is going to like us.</p><p></p><p>We will betray, and we will be betrayed, and the only choice we get about any of it is whether to forgive it if we can. Whether to forgive <em>ourselves</em>, Copa. Forgiving the other guy is not even our business. We need to forgive ourselves for having been in that position, for allowing ourselves to have seen <em>ourselves</em> through unkind or condemnatory eyes, and for believing, for even one instant, that what anyone else thinks takes precedence over what we know.</p><p></p><p>People are playing games all the time.</p><p></p><p>We need to create safe harbor, a resting place, for ourselves, and we need to stand up unapologeticly when that is what is required.</p><p></p><p>That is what a boundary is. A place we erect where no one else can go. a resting place for ourselves where we declare the time, not someone else.</p><p></p><p>First, we need an internal locus of control.</p><p></p><p>When we feel vulnerable, we can choose ten thousand things. If we can sit quietly with the feeling, we will come to welcome those times of real, and even, to seek them.</p><p></p><p>Vulnerable is who we are.</p><p></p><p>Real. Alive.</p><p></p><p>Perfect is the myth.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>The only thing we strive to do is be present. Just walk outside. Smell the breeze, see the sun, hear the birds.</p><p></p><p>Here is something interesting. So, pick the tiniest weed from the side of the driveway. Do you see its complexity?</p><p></p><p>Yet, it is only a weed.</p><p></p><p>Turns out, the world is so different than we knew.</p><p></p><p>To savor. That is what you are choosing, now. Savor the wind, or the heat. Listen to the sounds of the smallest things.</p><p></p><p>The world is so different than we knew.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Who could say?</p><p></p><p>For right now, for this minute, you are choosing not to walk.</p><p></p><p>Maybe you are bored with walking. I don't know about that, but I do know we are forever growing, expanding, learning new ways to see. Good rest, time away, somewhere to learn a different perspective ~ all those things are part of self reclamation.</p><p></p><p>I do know that.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>They say we can do anything for fifteen minutes. Set a timer. After fifteen minutes, do something else. What will happen is that you will prioritize. Fifteen minutes a day, every day, will have you so organized you won't recognize yourself.</p><p></p><p>You can do anything for fifteen minutes. Even if all you do today is gather them all together. Put them in a basket.</p><p></p><p>Done.</p><p></p><p>For now.</p><p></p><p>Small steps are okay.</p><p></p><p>They add up.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yay! Add some music you love. Add a book. Add something beautiful to wear.</p><p></p><p>Begin to cherish yourself where you are.</p><p></p><p>Keep your gratitude journal beside the bed. Do that, list those five things today that you are grateful for.</p><p></p><p>Then, bless yourself and rest.</p><p></p><p>Maybe you have dreaming to do. Begin journaling your dreams.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p><p></p><p>No, only for this time of crisis.</p><p></p><p>You need rest, and kindness.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>What else are you telling yourself about anxiety and chores? You already know how to do this. Are you doing chores to distract yourself? What would happen if you journaled three pages, and then did chores?</p><p></p><p>If you made <em>yourself</em> your first priority?</p><p></p><p>Could that be what is happening, here? Like a butterfly emerging from her cocoon, your life, your vision, may have changed. Though it would be frightening for her to contemplate flight, there would be so little point for a butterfly to continue doing the things that saved her life while she was a caterpillar.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>That is a good thing, Copa.</p><p></p><p>You are generous in spirit. You see the strength in them and name it. You just aren't able to see your own strength. Someone taught you once, a long time ago, that you dare not use your strength. And yet, you are still here.</p><p></p><p>Now, you are having a look at all that strong.</p><p></p><p>I am excited for you.</p><p></p><p>It is real.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Perfection is not real. The strength and flexibility to leap and tumble and fly?</p><p></p><p>You had that all along.</p><p></p><p>You were taught to distrust it, to disbelieve.</p><p></p><p>Forgive yourself.</p><p></p><p>Know how I know that? Because that is what happened to me.</p><p></p><p>As they always are, my abuser was, sadly for her, incorrect. Once I am free of her, she will be alone. Here is a secret I know: For there to be an abuser, there must be a victim, someone groomed somewhere along the way for victimization. Without a victim (should the victim say, change his or her mind about the rightness of his or her victimization), without a victim, the abuser will have to face the demons on her own.</p><p></p><p>And that is the abuser's worse fear.</p><p></p><p>And that is what you have been protecting her from, all of your life.</p><p></p><p>But she is the one who picked to do the bad thing.</p><p></p><p>You can declare the abuse meaningless, pointless, stupid. And then, you can declare: Free.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/mcsmiley1.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":mcsmiley1:" title="mcsmiley1 :mcsmiley1:" data-shortname=":mcsmiley1:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>The triumph here is that you see it. </p><p></p><p>If you can just keep allowing yourself to see, and to savor, you will find things change.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing you need to do.</p><p></p><p>Healing happens on its own. All we need to do is stop tearing off the scab.</p><p></p><p>We are meant to be whole, Copa. We were always meant to be whole.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>No. There is a great deal more happening. You are no longer masking your feelings. Feeling masking is what we do while we are caterpillars. Butterflys, on the other hand....</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>I imagine it is quite a leap of faith for the butterfly too, to believe she can fly.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 654789, member: 17461"] If we are real, vulnerable will be the blessing of our lives. When we feel vulnerable, we are totally present. Explore it. Nothing bad will happen. Very many good things begin with vulnerable. This is where we heal. Vulnerable is the best thing. It is where we are real. Shame is some abuser's gift, and can be safely discounted, or used to learn more about how we were hurt in the first place, Copa. I read about the boss this morning. That was abusive. He was an abuser. That is why that happened. Because abusers abuse. Every. Single. Time. Shame is a key. When I feel vulnerable...I am real. No one knows how to do this right, Copa. Perfection is what we see when we only see the end result. I have a quote somewhere that I don't have time to find for you right now, that says something like: we need to stop comparing our insides with other people's outsides. Inside, we are all unsure. Inside, we are all taking our cues from one another. Real boats rock. Real life is an uncertain thing. If we can remain present, we will soon feel safe within ourselves. There is nothing we need to do. We are here on purpose. Not everyone is going to like us. We will betray, and we will be betrayed, and the only choice we get about any of it is whether to forgive it if we can. Whether to forgive [I]ourselves[/I], Copa. Forgiving the other guy is not even our business. We need to forgive ourselves for having been in that position, for allowing ourselves to have seen [I]ourselves[/I] through unkind or condemnatory eyes, and for believing, for even one instant, that what anyone else thinks takes precedence over what we know. People are playing games all the time. We need to create safe harbor, a resting place, for ourselves, and we need to stand up unapologeticly when that is what is required. That is what a boundary is. A place we erect where no one else can go. a resting place for ourselves where we declare the time, not someone else. First, we need an internal locus of control. When we feel vulnerable, we can choose ten thousand things. If we can sit quietly with the feeling, we will come to welcome those times of real, and even, to seek them. Vulnerable is who we are. Real. Alive. Perfect is the myth. :O) The only thing we strive to do is be present. Just walk outside. Smell the breeze, see the sun, hear the birds. Here is something interesting. So, pick the tiniest weed from the side of the driveway. Do you see its complexity? Yet, it is only a weed. Turns out, the world is so different than we knew. To savor. That is what you are choosing, now. Savor the wind, or the heat. Listen to the sounds of the smallest things. The world is so different than we knew. Who could say? For right now, for this minute, you are choosing not to walk. Maybe you are bored with walking. I don't know about that, but I do know we are forever growing, expanding, learning new ways to see. Good rest, time away, somewhere to learn a different perspective ~ all those things are part of self reclamation. I do know that. They say we can do anything for fifteen minutes. Set a timer. After fifteen minutes, do something else. What will happen is that you will prioritize. Fifteen minutes a day, every day, will have you so organized you won't recognize yourself. You can do anything for fifteen minutes. Even if all you do today is gather them all together. Put them in a basket. Done. For now. Small steps are okay. They add up. Yay! Add some music you love. Add a book. Add something beautiful to wear. Begin to cherish yourself where you are. Keep your gratitude journal beside the bed. Do that, list those five things today that you are grateful for. Then, bless yourself and rest. Maybe you have dreaming to do. Begin journaling your dreams. :hugs: No, only for this time of crisis. You need rest, and kindness. What else are you telling yourself about anxiety and chores? You already know how to do this. Are you doing chores to distract yourself? What would happen if you journaled three pages, and then did chores? If you made [I]yourself[/I] your first priority? Could that be what is happening, here? Like a butterfly emerging from her cocoon, your life, your vision, may have changed. Though it would be frightening for her to contemplate flight, there would be so little point for a butterfly to continue doing the things that saved her life while she was a caterpillar. That is a good thing, Copa. You are generous in spirit. You see the strength in them and name it. You just aren't able to see your own strength. Someone taught you once, a long time ago, that you dare not use your strength. And yet, you are still here. Now, you are having a look at all that strong. I am excited for you. It is real. :O) Perfection is not real. The strength and flexibility to leap and tumble and fly? You had that all along. You were taught to distrust it, to disbelieve. Forgive yourself. Know how I know that? Because that is what happened to me. As they always are, my abuser was, sadly for her, incorrect. Once I am free of her, she will be alone. Here is a secret I know: For there to be an abuser, there must be a victim, someone groomed somewhere along the way for victimization. Without a victim (should the victim say, change his or her mind about the rightness of his or her victimization), without a victim, the abuser will have to face the demons on her own. And that is the abuser's worse fear. And that is what you have been protecting her from, all of your life. But she is the one who picked to do the bad thing. You can declare the abuse meaningless, pointless, stupid. And then, you can declare: Free. :mcsmiley1: The triumph here is that you see it. If you can just keep allowing yourself to see, and to savor, you will find things change. There is nothing you need to do. Healing happens on its own. All we need to do is stop tearing off the scab. We are meant to be whole, Copa. We were always meant to be whole. No. There is a great deal more happening. You are no longer masking your feelings. Feeling masking is what we do while we are caterpillars. Butterflys, on the other hand.... :O) I imagine it is quite a leap of faith for the butterfly too, to believe she can fly. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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