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Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 654884" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>I understand how horrified you must have been, but we are magnets for bullies and for people who are highly sensitive or even dangerous. But I learned a lesson, Copa, and this was a long time ago. DO NOT BE ASHAMED! So what if this perceptive or possibly psychopathic man knew? Psychopaths are very good at finding vulnerable peple..maybe he was one. Not everyone saw what he saw. And you did not owe him an answer and you had nothing to feel shamed about. BEING ABUSED IS NOT YOUR SHAME.</p><p></p><p>It's sick how our abusers do make us feel shame as if we are bad people.</p><p></p><p>One of the questions you are asked if you are being interviewed to find out if you have suffered trauma or been abused is "Are you ashamed of your very existence?"</p><p></p><p>It's an important question. If YOU were the abuser your answer would be, "NO."</p><p></p><p>The abused answer "Yes."</p><p></p><p>These people make us feel inadequate, damaged, horrible, awful, evil, mean...everything that THEY are. Our abusers treat us the way they do (mean) on purpose, then blame us and because it is done early and in our FOO we tend to buy it. But we move on. We live with other peole. Not one other person I have EVER lived with, including my ex, thought I was mean at all...in fact, he thought I was TOO nice. My mother used to ALWAYS tell me "You're a TAKER, not a GIVER." I'm not sure what she meant by that. it was never true. I did get feisty with her because she was so mean to me, but I didn't TAKE anything from her. One of those things I'll never understand. But it's also something I have to let go and have let go. I'm actually a much better giver than a taker and do not require much to be happy...so I know who I am and who they think or thought I was doesn't matter. But, yes, it causes shame until we realize that the only people who think this way is our sick FOO and they have their own problems. If we were that horrible, the otehrs we have lived with would agree that we are abusive and awful. The only people who have ever said that to me are...you guessed it...FOO.</p><p></p><p>Ok, I cared or I never would have felt the shame. But I'm proud of myself today. I have come so far in spite of starting out with a horrible mother, no household rules, neurological differences and a childhood mood disorder. I am happy and content and that is enough for me. Shame on them for trying to shame us.</p><p></p><p>The abused person feels shame. The abuser does not because he does not feel any remorse for hurting us, which is their goal. They feel justified. I don't know if this is true in your family, but my family has many people in it who are challenged in the empathy department. People without empathy have no problem hurting others. Remember that. They should feel the shame, but they don't because they feel they are right. You feel the shame because you are sensitive and vulnerable and kind and you worry that maybe you hurt them and that hurts YOU. But, if you had, THEY would feel the shame that you feel. Know what I mean?? But they don't feel shame because you did not do anything to harm them and shame them. They did it to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 654884, member: 1550"] I understand how horrified you must have been, but we are magnets for bullies and for people who are highly sensitive or even dangerous. But I learned a lesson, Copa, and this was a long time ago. DO NOT BE ASHAMED! So what if this perceptive or possibly psychopathic man knew? Psychopaths are very good at finding vulnerable peple..maybe he was one. Not everyone saw what he saw. And you did not owe him an answer and you had nothing to feel shamed about. BEING ABUSED IS NOT YOUR SHAME. It's sick how our abusers do make us feel shame as if we are bad people. One of the questions you are asked if you are being interviewed to find out if you have suffered trauma or been abused is "Are you ashamed of your very existence?" It's an important question. If YOU were the abuser your answer would be, "NO." The abused answer "Yes." These people make us feel inadequate, damaged, horrible, awful, evil, mean...everything that THEY are. Our abusers treat us the way they do (mean) on purpose, then blame us and because it is done early and in our FOO we tend to buy it. But we move on. We live with other peole. Not one other person I have EVER lived with, including my ex, thought I was mean at all...in fact, he thought I was TOO nice. My mother used to ALWAYS tell me "You're a TAKER, not a GIVER." I'm not sure what she meant by that. it was never true. I did get feisty with her because she was so mean to me, but I didn't TAKE anything from her. One of those things I'll never understand. But it's also something I have to let go and have let go. I'm actually a much better giver than a taker and do not require much to be happy...so I know who I am and who they think or thought I was doesn't matter. But, yes, it causes shame until we realize that the only people who think this way is our sick FOO and they have their own problems. If we were that horrible, the otehrs we have lived with would agree that we are abusive and awful. The only people who have ever said that to me are...you guessed it...FOO. Ok, I cared or I never would have felt the shame. But I'm proud of myself today. I have come so far in spite of starting out with a horrible mother, no household rules, neurological differences and a childhood mood disorder. I am happy and content and that is enough for me. Shame on them for trying to shame us. The abused person feels shame. The abuser does not because he does not feel any remorse for hurting us, which is their goal. They feel justified. I don't know if this is true in your family, but my family has many people in it who are challenged in the empathy department. People without empathy have no problem hurting others. Remember that. They should feel the shame, but they don't because they feel they are right. You feel the shame because you are sensitive and vulnerable and kind and you worry that maybe you hurt them and that hurts YOU. But, if you had, THEY would feel the shame that you feel. Know what I mean?? But they don't feel shame because you did not do anything to harm them and shame them. They did it to you. [/QUOTE]
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I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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