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Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 654920" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>As it is with every courageous survivor, we need to stop running. It is what it is. SWOT is exactly right. What happened to us did happen.</p><p></p><p>It is a mark of pride that you've survived it, not a mark of shame that it happened.</p><p></p><p>You didn't do this, Copa. Not any of it. The adults in your life set up or allowed a toxic environment which glorified the horribly off-kilter reality of mental illness and then, brought children into it. Pretending it didn't happen, doing our best to love our abusers (and continue to allow them to victimize us, which is exactly what they do continue to do) is exactly what the abuser wants, forever. <em>She does not see you as real. If the sister got the bad gene, you are not real to her, either.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>You are Cinderella.</p><p></p><p>They aren't.</p><p></p><p>And you know how they felt about Cinderella.</p><p><em></em></p><p><em>And we know how that worked out for the stepmother and the stepsisters, too. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p><span style="font-size: 22px">:O)</span></p><p></p><p><em> </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Until we can see how terribly wrong what happened to those sweet little girls we were really was, we are still seeing ourselves through our abuser's eyes.</p><p></p><p>We need to see our abuser through our own eyes, Copa. You not only have the right, but the responsibility, to judge your abuser. </p><p></p><p>What happened to you was wrong.</p><p></p><p>They like to hide behind terms like mother and wife and sister and grandmother. These are terms of honor. Abusers do not merit honor and would not recognize the difference between pretense and integrity if it jumped out and bit them.</p><p></p><p>Nothing is real in their worlds but them.</p><p></p><p>Everything in their worlds is about them.</p><p></p><p>No one else exists.</p><p></p><p>In normal families there is pride. In abusive families there is shame. In normal families there is support. In abusive families there is outrage and hatred that the abused would dare consider escaping from the weak, receptive little vessel the abuser has spent so much time softening up and battering into shape.</p><p></p><p>Growing up in an abusive family is like being marinated. It takes a long time for the abuser to get you where they want you. They poke and prod and test you too, just like a master chef prepares the meat, salivating the whole time.</p><p></p><p>Long knives.</p><p></p><p>We need to see that adult doing what he or she did to a child. To someone thirty to fifty pounds soaking wet. That is who our abusers were coward enough to take their sickness out on. That is how our abusers pretended they were who they wanted to be in their imaginations. When other adults put them in their places, they came home and beat us up, physically or verbally or emotionally. Our abusers are Walter Middys, Copa. <em>Or they would not be abusers. </em>They are cowards and bullies Copa <em>or they would not be abusers.</em></p><p></p><p><em>They took our their hurt at their shortcomings, or at the fact that other adults put them in their places, on their own children.</em></p><p></p><p>You were just a little guy. You needed protection and cherishing to grow strong and whole and complete. Now, you need remothering.</p><p></p><p>Like me and like SWOT and like every one of us who have come through an abusive family system Copa, you will have to be your own best mother.</p><p></p><p>You will need to find a way to cherish and celebrate the strength of that little girl who was you. Witness for her, be there for her, now.</p><p></p><p>No shame, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Rage.</p><p></p><p>Here is the thing that I know: Once you can see what happened to you ~ not just the physical things, but the shame of who you were made to believe you are ~ you will be free of it, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Your abuser lied.</p><p></p><p>That is what abusers do.</p><p></p><p>They lie. They bully. They betray. They are cowards, Copa.</p><p></p><p>We owe them nothing.</p><p></p><p>I know this.</p><p></p><p>It happened to me.</p><p></p><p>It was your abuser who set this pattern up for you. You were targeted, and you were enslaved. All that you might have been and known and seen and cherished was twisted to serve your abuser's dysfunction.</p><p></p><p>That is like, a sin.</p><p></p><p>You need to learn to say "F you, mom."</p><p></p><p>It feels so wrong and so great!</p><p></p><p>And when you do?</p><p></p><p>No more shame, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Rage.</p><p></p><p>Whether you ever forgive your abuser is immaterial.</p><p></p><p>Abusers abuse because they abuse. They destroyed you...but it was nothing personal to you. Just as the lives of millions of people were snuffed out, are snuffed out every day to service some whacko's idea of protest or whatever it is, you were caught up in something, caught up in something evil, that had nothing to do with you.</p><p></p><p>Don't let them win, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Reclaim yourself.</p><p></p><p>Do not be afraid of your own rage. Set it free, and bless yourself when you do it.</p><p></p><p>You are here on purpose.</p><p></p><p>They tried to destroy you, Copa. They tried to twist your life into some ugly refection of their ongoing pathology.</p><p></p><p>Abusive people are very strange little ducks, and they lie, and they laugh when they hurt you.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 654920, member: 17461"] As it is with every courageous survivor, we need to stop running. It is what it is. SWOT is exactly right. What happened to us did happen. It is a mark of pride that you've survived it, not a mark of shame that it happened. You didn't do this, Copa. Not any of it. The adults in your life set up or allowed a toxic environment which glorified the horribly off-kilter reality of mental illness and then, brought children into it. Pretending it didn't happen, doing our best to love our abusers (and continue to allow them to victimize us, which is exactly what they do continue to do) is exactly what the abuser wants, forever. [I]She does not see you as real. If the sister got the bad gene, you are not real to her, either. [/I] You are Cinderella. [I][/I] They aren't. [I][/I] And you know how they felt about Cinderella. [I] And we know how that worked out for the stepmother and the stepsisters, too. [/I] [SIZE=6]:O)[/SIZE] [I] [/I] Until we can see how terribly wrong what happened to those sweet little girls we were really was, we are still seeing ourselves through our abuser's eyes. We need to see our abuser through our own eyes, Copa. You not only have the right, but the responsibility, to judge your abuser. What happened to you was wrong. They like to hide behind terms like mother and wife and sister and grandmother. These are terms of honor. Abusers do not merit honor and would not recognize the difference between pretense and integrity if it jumped out and bit them. Nothing is real in their worlds but them. Everything in their worlds is about them. No one else exists. In normal families there is pride. In abusive families there is shame. In normal families there is support. In abusive families there is outrage and hatred that the abused would dare consider escaping from the weak, receptive little vessel the abuser has spent so much time softening up and battering into shape. Growing up in an abusive family is like being marinated. It takes a long time for the abuser to get you where they want you. They poke and prod and test you too, just like a master chef prepares the meat, salivating the whole time. Long knives. We need to see that adult doing what he or she did to a child. To someone thirty to fifty pounds soaking wet. That is who our abusers were coward enough to take their sickness out on. That is how our abusers pretended they were who they wanted to be in their imaginations. When other adults put them in their places, they came home and beat us up, physically or verbally or emotionally. Our abusers are Walter Middys, Copa. [I]Or they would not be abusers. [/I]They are cowards and bullies Copa [I]or they would not be abusers.[/I] [I]They took our their hurt at their shortcomings, or at the fact that other adults put them in their places, on their own children.[/I] You were just a little guy. You needed protection and cherishing to grow strong and whole and complete. Now, you need remothering. Like me and like SWOT and like every one of us who have come through an abusive family system Copa, you will have to be your own best mother. You will need to find a way to cherish and celebrate the strength of that little girl who was you. Witness for her, be there for her, now. No shame, Copa. Rage. Here is the thing that I know: Once you can see what happened to you ~ not just the physical things, but the shame of who you were made to believe you are ~ you will be free of it, Copa. Your abuser lied. That is what abusers do. They lie. They bully. They betray. They are cowards, Copa. We owe them nothing. I know this. It happened to me. It was your abuser who set this pattern up for you. You were targeted, and you were enslaved. All that you might have been and known and seen and cherished was twisted to serve your abuser's dysfunction. That is like, a sin. You need to learn to say "F you, mom." It feels so wrong and so great! And when you do? No more shame, Copa. Rage. Whether you ever forgive your abuser is immaterial. Abusers abuse because they abuse. They destroyed you...but it was nothing personal to you. Just as the lives of millions of people were snuffed out, are snuffed out every day to service some whacko's idea of protest or whatever it is, you were caught up in something, caught up in something evil, that had nothing to do with you. Don't let them win, Copa. Reclaim yourself. Do not be afraid of your own rage. Set it free, and bless yourself when you do it. You are here on purpose. They tried to destroy you, Copa. They tried to twist your life into some ugly refection of their ongoing pathology. Abusive people are very strange little ducks, and they lie, and they laugh when they hurt you. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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