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Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 654926" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I am watching my family identity ~ the who I am in the family, the role I took on ~ change as my mother and my sister each validate the other's reality. It is a strange thing to see, SWOT. </p><p></p><p>There was a time when the joke was not "What would Jesus do?" but "What would Cedar do?" (I have posted about this before.)</p><p></p><p>It was my mother who told me that is how they talked about me during the time she lives with my sister.</p><p></p><p>That was a nasty little thing to say, I think. Something to ridicule and diminish me. My sister is uber religious. There would be no way she would confuse me with her version of You Know Who.</p><p></p><p>They do not say that anymore, that I know of, because everything is different now.</p><p></p><p><em>Could it be that my sister continues to pursue me because she wants me to know that my position in the family has changed? Could that kind of competition matter at this late date? Could it be that she had been, or still is, measuring the quality of her life against mine, against that very persona of protector and blah, blah, blah? That could be true. But I never got it that she hated me. So perhaps it is not so much that she hates me, but that she is recovering a sense of her own self esteem through assuming the caretaker's role where our elderly (and still nasty as a snake) mother is concerned? And therefore perceives me as a threat?</em></p><p></p><p>But why would that mean she would need to exclude our brother. Well, it could be that the other sibs are still seen as threats. She sees the man who wanted to marry my mother after my father died as a threat....</p><p></p><p>That would explain my mother's comment about how she enjoyed the jealousy between my sister and myself over who could do the most for our mutual mother.</p><p></p><p>It would make sense that someone who enjoyed denigrating others would relish being the object of intense jealousy between her adult daughters. That would accomplish two things, right? It would service the abuser's grandiosity, and it (jealousy) would stoke further hatred and prevent the siblings ever coming together.</p><p></p><p>So maybe that is it.</p><p></p><p>Maybe that feeling I call global shame is really jealousy. Now that my sister is okay in her life, it could be that I no longer see her as someone who needs protection and so, I am free to be jealous.</p><p></p><p>I think jealous is a normal thing that happens. But then, we normally get happy about the other guy's good fortune and that negates the jealousy.</p><p></p><p>They say (in The Artist's Way at Work) that jealousy teaches us where we want to go, next. We want those things for ourselves. According to Julia Cameron (the writer), we should listen to our jealous feelings and devote that energy to attaining whatever it was we wanted for ourselves, instead of to hating or denigrating the other guy. </p><p></p><p>So, I think that is a good descriptor of, and solution to, jealousy.</p><p></p><p>I could definitely be jealous of my sister's relationship to my mother. But I think what I feel is betrayed. We had that pact of non-exclusion I have posted about before.</p><p></p><p>But she made a point of excluding our brother. And she kept doing it, even after I told her she needed to keep contact with him about our mother during the time our mother was staying with my sister. (My mother does not keep regular contact with me, and did not contact my brother at all. His wife went through cancer treatments, my mother and sister knew...and never even sent a card.)</p><p></p><p>Unbelievable, right?</p><p></p><p>Weird things like that happen in my FOO all the time. That is the norm.</p><p></p><p>I know my sister has changed for the stranger since my mother has been staying with her in the winter.</p><p></p><p>My mom lives with my sister during the winter months. The jealousy comment was one of the first things my mother said to me when I saw her again, one summer.</p><p></p><p>Even this business of my sister continuing to pursue me.</p><p></p><p>I mean, I could be wrong about everything. Nothing about any of this makes sense.</p><p></p><p>Again, an extraordinary thing to see, and to be part of.</p><p></p><p>Lonely, though.</p><p></p><p>SWOT, it could be that our FOO do not know (or care) what is "true". What is true is what they say it is ~ and that is whatever helps them feel they are more worthy than you, more "you" than you, whether through money or possessions or appearance. Somehow, it has to do with the mother's or the father's attention. It has to do with squeezing the other sibs out, with making them unreal.</p><p></p><p><em>Even after we are all adults.</em></p><p></p><p>Maybe that is true. </p><p></p><p>It has been an extraordinary thing, to be aware of what I am seeing, of what it seems like I am seeing, and to watch it unfold.</p><p></p><p>I still can't believe it, except I do.</p><p></p><p>I don't get the win. Surely, the real person who is me is worth having, is worth knowing and cherishing and putting those uglinesses, those ugly old hurtful patterns, aside?</p><p></p><p>I don't know what fuels it at this stage in everyone's life.</p><p></p><p>But hatred seems to be rumbling away at will, alright.</p><p></p><p>Dysfunctional families operate out of a sense of scarcity. I think that is the lynchpin. There is not enough. Love is not limitless, it is a scarce commodity. What you get is taken from me.</p><p></p><p>All power funnels through the abuser.</p><p></p><p><em>And my sister must still see it that way.</em></p><p></p><p>Or maybe, just like we have been wondering about, my sister is just differently wired. She could be wired up like my mom.</p><p></p><p>That would explain everything. There are so many totally weird little pointless things....</p><p></p><p>Even, and maybe especially, the male my mother became involved with after my father's death is perceived as a threat to my mother's role and relationship to my sister <em>and she hates him with passionate intensity.</em></p><p></p><p>Probably I have been fortunate to be able to see it working away even now, even when we are all so darn old it isn't even funny.</p><p></p><p>It's unbelievable that it could be what it is but it is.</p><p></p><p>I remember feeling that way when I first went into therapy. I would question what kind of person would say or believe such things about her own mother. I feel that way a little bit, now. What kind of person believes the kinds of things I am believing about my own mother, who is elderly and whom I should be protecting and cherishing, and about my own sister, younger than me and so, also needing protection and assistance and care.</p><p></p><p>Maybe that is it.</p><p></p><p>Maybe they resent that I see myself as someone able to help them ~ you know, to see myself as superior to them in that way?</p><p></p><p>I don't know.</p><p></p><p>What does that make me, to think these really crummy things about all of us <em>and then tell someone else by posting it here.</em></p><p></p><p>It makes me someone alone in the world, I suppose.</p><p></p><p>If I had turned away from them, if I had somehow escaped when I learned to walk or when I was strong enough to just go, I would have been safer than I was where I was born and grew up.</p><p></p><p>So, alone now is a good thing.</p><p></p><p>It was always the right thing.</p><p></p><p>Soon, I will not feel interested enough about "why" for it to matter.</p><p></p><p>Then I will be free.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think this is true, but in my case at least, it wasn't about staying close. There was no "close". In my case, I saw myself through my abuser's eyes.</p><p></p><p>Period.</p><p></p><p>That is the shame of it.</p><p></p><p>We all saw ourselves (and continue to see ourselves?) through our abuser's eyes.</p><p></p><p>There was no "close".</p><p></p><p>There was, and there continues to be, betrayal after betrayal, but I just don't get the win. </p><p></p><p>That's the part I don't get. What are they winning, now? I see the self esteem win. I can see that. I could understand the jealousy between my sister and myself. I have a certain amount of stuff <em>but she was invited here and was welcomed and anticipated and planned for. </em></p><p></p><p>But though my mother came, my sister would not.</p><p></p><p>By the time she was ready to come here, I saw her differently. I imagine that was why she decided to come when she did. </p><p></p><p>Things had changed.</p><p></p><p>I just don't feel the same about her, or even, about my mother. But that doesn't feel like triumph. It feels like loss. And in my secret heart, I still wish I could have what I wanted. (Why do all my fantasies revolve around everyone sitting down to dinner?!? That throws me for a loop every time where my kids are concerned, too. WHAT IS IT WITH ME AND A DINNER TABLE?!? </p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I just don't get the win.</p><p></p><p>SWOT, you wonder whether your FOO will ever acknowledge what is real. I feel like mine not only acknowledges, but celebrates the twistedness of all of it. It's like there is still some evil engine, some whirling, ongoing hatred working away at the heart of things.</p><p></p><p>The win must be legitimized hatred. The win must be that the feelings...I don't know what the win is.</p><p></p><p>I would like to understand it though. I think I will not be safe from them until I know the why behind a game at this stage in all of our lives.</p><p></p><p>Or maybe I am seeing this wrong. It all seems unbelievable. How could it possibly be true? So, there is a little echo of "What kind of person...."</p><p></p><p>Vulnerable, still.</p><p> </p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Okay, but here is what I know about that: Alone is very good for me.</p><p></p><p>Alone is better than together, with them.</p><p></p><p>That is what I know.</p><p></p><p>Maybe I will have to do a ritual dinner. Beautiful china, white candles, fresh flowers...and all the empty places at my table.</p><p></p><p>Maybe I could grieve what is lost in that good way.</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/Graemlins/9-07tears.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":9-07tears:" title="crying :9-07tears:" data-shortname=":9-07tears:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 654926, member: 17461"] I am watching my family identity ~ the who I am in the family, the role I took on ~ change as my mother and my sister each validate the other's reality. It is a strange thing to see, SWOT. There was a time when the joke was not "What would Jesus do?" but "What would Cedar do?" (I have posted about this before.) It was my mother who told me that is how they talked about me during the time she lives with my sister. That was a nasty little thing to say, I think. Something to ridicule and diminish me. My sister is uber religious. There would be no way she would confuse me with her version of You Know Who. They do not say that anymore, that I know of, because everything is different now. [I]Could it be that my sister continues to pursue me because she wants me to know that my position in the family has changed? Could that kind of competition matter at this late date? Could it be that she had been, or still is, measuring the quality of her life against mine, against that very persona of protector and blah, blah, blah? That could be true. But I never got it that she hated me. So perhaps it is not so much that she hates me, but that she is recovering a sense of her own self esteem through assuming the caretaker's role where our elderly (and still nasty as a snake) mother is concerned? And therefore perceives me as a threat?[/I] But why would that mean she would need to exclude our brother. Well, it could be that the other sibs are still seen as threats. She sees the man who wanted to marry my mother after my father died as a threat.... That would explain my mother's comment about how she enjoyed the jealousy between my sister and myself over who could do the most for our mutual mother. It would make sense that someone who enjoyed denigrating others would relish being the object of intense jealousy between her adult daughters. That would accomplish two things, right? It would service the abuser's grandiosity, and it (jealousy) would stoke further hatred and prevent the siblings ever coming together. So maybe that is it. Maybe that feeling I call global shame is really jealousy. Now that my sister is okay in her life, it could be that I no longer see her as someone who needs protection and so, I am free to be jealous. I think jealous is a normal thing that happens. But then, we normally get happy about the other guy's good fortune and that negates the jealousy. They say (in The Artist's Way at Work) that jealousy teaches us where we want to go, next. We want those things for ourselves. According to Julia Cameron (the writer), we should listen to our jealous feelings and devote that energy to attaining whatever it was we wanted for ourselves, instead of to hating or denigrating the other guy. So, I think that is a good descriptor of, and solution to, jealousy. I could definitely be jealous of my sister's relationship to my mother. But I think what I feel is betrayed. We had that pact of non-exclusion I have posted about before. But she made a point of excluding our brother. And she kept doing it, even after I told her she needed to keep contact with him about our mother during the time our mother was staying with my sister. (My mother does not keep regular contact with me, and did not contact my brother at all. His wife went through cancer treatments, my mother and sister knew...and never even sent a card.) Unbelievable, right? Weird things like that happen in my FOO all the time. That is the norm. I know my sister has changed for the stranger since my mother has been staying with her in the winter. My mom lives with my sister during the winter months. The jealousy comment was one of the first things my mother said to me when I saw her again, one summer. Even this business of my sister continuing to pursue me. I mean, I could be wrong about everything. Nothing about any of this makes sense. Again, an extraordinary thing to see, and to be part of. Lonely, though. SWOT, it could be that our FOO do not know (or care) what is "true". What is true is what they say it is ~ and that is whatever helps them feel they are more worthy than you, more "you" than you, whether through money or possessions or appearance. Somehow, it has to do with the mother's or the father's attention. It has to do with squeezing the other sibs out, with making them unreal. [I]Even after we are all adults.[/I] Maybe that is true. It has been an extraordinary thing, to be aware of what I am seeing, of what it seems like I am seeing, and to watch it unfold. I still can't believe it, except I do. I don't get the win. Surely, the real person who is me is worth having, is worth knowing and cherishing and putting those uglinesses, those ugly old hurtful patterns, aside? I don't know what fuels it at this stage in everyone's life. But hatred seems to be rumbling away at will, alright. Dysfunctional families operate out of a sense of scarcity. I think that is the lynchpin. There is not enough. Love is not limitless, it is a scarce commodity. What you get is taken from me. All power funnels through the abuser. [I]And my sister must still see it that way.[/I] Or maybe, just like we have been wondering about, my sister is just differently wired. She could be wired up like my mom. That would explain everything. There are so many totally weird little pointless things.... Even, and maybe especially, the male my mother became involved with after my father's death is perceived as a threat to my mother's role and relationship to my sister [I]and she hates him with passionate intensity.[/I] Probably I have been fortunate to be able to see it working away even now, even when we are all so darn old it isn't even funny. It's unbelievable that it could be what it is but it is. I remember feeling that way when I first went into therapy. I would question what kind of person would say or believe such things about her own mother. I feel that way a little bit, now. What kind of person believes the kinds of things I am believing about my own mother, who is elderly and whom I should be protecting and cherishing, and about my own sister, younger than me and so, also needing protection and assistance and care. Maybe that is it. Maybe they resent that I see myself as someone able to help them ~ you know, to see myself as superior to them in that way? I don't know. What does that make me, to think these really crummy things about all of us [I]and then tell someone else by posting it here.[/I] It makes me someone alone in the world, I suppose. If I had turned away from them, if I had somehow escaped when I learned to walk or when I was strong enough to just go, I would have been safer than I was where I was born and grew up. So, alone now is a good thing. It was always the right thing. Soon, I will not feel interested enough about "why" for it to matter. Then I will be free. I think this is true, but in my case at least, it wasn't about staying close. There was no "close". In my case, I saw myself through my abuser's eyes. Period. That is the shame of it. We all saw ourselves (and continue to see ourselves?) through our abuser's eyes. There was no "close". There was, and there continues to be, betrayal after betrayal, but I just don't get the win. That's the part I don't get. What are they winning, now? I see the self esteem win. I can see that. I could understand the jealousy between my sister and myself. I have a certain amount of stuff [I]but she was invited here and was welcomed and anticipated and planned for. [/I] But though my mother came, my sister would not. By the time she was ready to come here, I saw her differently. I imagine that was why she decided to come when she did. Things had changed. I just don't feel the same about her, or even, about my mother. But that doesn't feel like triumph. It feels like loss. And in my secret heart, I still wish I could have what I wanted. (Why do all my fantasies revolve around everyone sitting down to dinner?!? That throws me for a loop every time where my kids are concerned, too. WHAT IS IT WITH ME AND A DINNER TABLE?!? *** I just don't get the win. SWOT, you wonder whether your FOO will ever acknowledge what is real. I feel like mine not only acknowledges, but celebrates the twistedness of all of it. It's like there is still some evil engine, some whirling, ongoing hatred working away at the heart of things. The win must be legitimized hatred. The win must be that the feelings...I don't know what the win is. I would like to understand it though. I think I will not be safe from them until I know the why behind a game at this stage in all of our lives. Or maybe I am seeing this wrong. It all seems unbelievable. How could it possibly be true? So, there is a little echo of "What kind of person...." Vulnerable, still. Cedar Okay, but here is what I know about that: Alone is very good for me. Alone is better than together, with them. That is what I know. Maybe I will have to do a ritual dinner. Beautiful china, white candles, fresh flowers...and all the empty places at my table. Maybe I could grieve what is lost in that good way. :9-07tears: [/QUOTE]
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I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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