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Family of Origin
I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 654927" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Cedar, although none of us can do anything but guess aoubt why t hey do what they do, I think you have some valid theories here.</p><p></p><p>My sister would cut me off all the time, for anything, I can't even remember why for most times. This last time it the ante was much worse. First of all, I threatened her with no contact if she ever went no contact again, which mean she could not come back at her convenience. That was telling her that I was taking my control back and she likes to be the one with the final "word"...and NC is it's own kind of word. Also, she was angered that I set a boundary and refused to, in my way of looking at things, enable her relationship with a man whom SHE admitted abuses her on many levels. Listening to her vent about him was a form of enabling and also drove me mad as I was sure he would hurt her, if not physically then emotionally until she finally had the guts to leave him. She never did leave him, but at least it wasn't because she had me to vent to to make her feel better.</p><p></p><p>I had always thought of her as the stable one in the family, but I started to see her as the least stable one and perhaps she knew it, although I never said that to her. It was pretty obvious. Stable people do not continue unhealthy patters regarding weight and working out, do not stay with men they KNOW are bad for them/destroying them/have nothing to offer them, and stable people do not have to run away every time there is a mild disagreement. Suddenly I have abused everyone in the family (I'd love for her to give some serious examples). As they see us getting stronger, they get intimidated, defensive and meaner.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I have always had a fascination for how many low-esteem, abused too people run to be the caretaker in their parent's later years in an attempt to finally be the mother's hero. Even then, it rarely works. I have heard a lot about this in my group therapy sessions which I've been in since my thirties. Kids who were treated like garbage run to mom's side when she gets sick and the other siblings are happy to let her do it. ANd still...and still...Mom does not change her thinking about them. I remember One poor younger woman crying because her mother abused her to the last as she changed her mother's diapers and as her siblings, whom her mother favored, did not ever come by to give her respite from the role she had taken on. Maybe your sister is doing this as a last ditch attempt to be mommy's little girl. Of course, some caregivers were close to their mothers and not the scapegoats, but this strange dynamic...let's just say I've been in group therapy a long time and hear this over and over over again.It's common. I Thank God I was far enough along by the time my mom got sick that I stayed put and did not lift a hand, as she would not have for me. I could have been one of the poor souls being drained by a mother who will always love the other ones more or who abused them.</p><p></p><p>Many of the deepseated, almost unjustified perceived dislike between siblings is just old crap from the FOO's earliest days. I read that it is more common between siblings of the same sex. I think my sister was constantly trying to make mommy and daddy love her. In the end, mommy did in no small part due to her children who she bonded with. Without them, she probably would not have treated her much different than she treated me. But again these are theories. With my father she has gigantically failed to be the favorite. He really has no favorites and lately we have been talking about stuff I never dreamed he'd even care about and our relationship is getting closer. So she is one for one. She made mother love her more than me (which was actually not too hard) but she has failed with my father. Again, theories...our own, their own, never knowing, sometimes they never even know. But you have some very valid guesses and I'll bet you are at least partly right.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 654927, member: 1550"] Cedar, although none of us can do anything but guess aoubt why t hey do what they do, I think you have some valid theories here. My sister would cut me off all the time, for anything, I can't even remember why for most times. This last time it the ante was much worse. First of all, I threatened her with no contact if she ever went no contact again, which mean she could not come back at her convenience. That was telling her that I was taking my control back and she likes to be the one with the final "word"...and NC is it's own kind of word. Also, she was angered that I set a boundary and refused to, in my way of looking at things, enable her relationship with a man whom SHE admitted abuses her on many levels. Listening to her vent about him was a form of enabling and also drove me mad as I was sure he would hurt her, if not physically then emotionally until she finally had the guts to leave him. She never did leave him, but at least it wasn't because she had me to vent to to make her feel better. I had always thought of her as the stable one in the family, but I started to see her as the least stable one and perhaps she knew it, although I never said that to her. It was pretty obvious. Stable people do not continue unhealthy patters regarding weight and working out, do not stay with men they KNOW are bad for them/destroying them/have nothing to offer them, and stable people do not have to run away every time there is a mild disagreement. Suddenly I have abused everyone in the family (I'd love for her to give some serious examples). As they see us getting stronger, they get intimidated, defensive and meaner. Cedar, I have always had a fascination for how many low-esteem, abused too people run to be the caretaker in their parent's later years in an attempt to finally be the mother's hero. Even then, it rarely works. I have heard a lot about this in my group therapy sessions which I've been in since my thirties. Kids who were treated like garbage run to mom's side when she gets sick and the other siblings are happy to let her do it. ANd still...and still...Mom does not change her thinking about them. I remember One poor younger woman crying because her mother abused her to the last as she changed her mother's diapers and as her siblings, whom her mother favored, did not ever come by to give her respite from the role she had taken on. Maybe your sister is doing this as a last ditch attempt to be mommy's little girl. Of course, some caregivers were close to their mothers and not the scapegoats, but this strange dynamic...let's just say I've been in group therapy a long time and hear this over and over over again.It's common. I Thank God I was far enough along by the time my mom got sick that I stayed put and did not lift a hand, as she would not have for me. I could have been one of the poor souls being drained by a mother who will always love the other ones more or who abused them. Many of the deepseated, almost unjustified perceived dislike between siblings is just old crap from the FOO's earliest days. I read that it is more common between siblings of the same sex. I think my sister was constantly trying to make mommy and daddy love her. In the end, mommy did in no small part due to her children who she bonded with. Without them, she probably would not have treated her much different than she treated me. But again these are theories. With my father she has gigantically failed to be the favorite. He really has no favorites and lately we have been talking about stuff I never dreamed he'd even care about and our relationship is getting closer. So she is one for one. She made mother love her more than me (which was actually not too hard) but she has failed with my father. Again, theories...our own, their own, never knowing, sometimes they never even know. But you have some very valid guesses and I'll bet you are at least partly right. [/QUOTE]
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I miss my sister...for the first time in say 55 years.
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